Episode 128: Boundary Setting Sucks! How to Set Boundaries Again Now That You're a Caregiver

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Do you find it hard to separate your interest, needs and feelings from the person you care for? Do you feel like you’re lost and don’t know who you really are anymore?

Let’s talk about boundaries.

Boundaries are Limits - emotional or physical - that we set to protect our emotional and physical wellbeing as well as our time and energy.

We know what physical boundaries look like, A fence, a locked door, a gate. It’s easy to understand the message and expectations attached to them. 

Emotional boundaries are less visible and can be much harder to understand.

By setting boundaries you are telling people in your life how you want to be treated.  You are showing compassion for yourself by setting boundaries and in doing so learning how to make yourself a priority. By setting boundaries you begin to establish yourself as your own person and are better able to say yes and no to things and communicate what you would like to do and need. 

Setting boundaries will allow you to be a caregiver and also have your own personal interests and needs met. It will help you manage the stress and emotional hardships that come with caregiving while allowing you opportunities that will allow you to be a healthy person, emotionally and physically. 

We loose ourselves in caregiving so easily but boundaries are the way to find ourselves again, figure out what we actually want and how to actually achieve the personal goals we set for ourselves.

Now Emotional Boundaries…

Help you separate your interests, feelings and needs from others.

How do you know you need boundaries? 

You feel like you are lost and that other people make decisions for you. You feel like you are always giving without receiving in return. You feel over extended and overwhelmed. You don’t regularly take time out of the day to do something you enjoy doing alone. 

It’s so easy for us to just give everything up when we become caregivers. Maybe you didn’t have strong boundaries set in the first place because it wasn’t a struggle to take time out for yourself. Or maybe you did have a good practice of doing things that interested you and regularly spent time with friends. For all of us there came a time when we found ourselves deep in the middle of the messiness of caregiving and spend little to no time doing the things we enjoyed doing. We stopped prioritizing our needs and fell into doing things that made things the easiest in a difficult situation. 

When our priorities changed some of us also gave up the things that made us… us. Not only did you give up those morning walks or meeting up with a friend but you gave up what wasn’t acceptable in the past. The way you allowed people to speak to you, the level of stress and lack of sleep you were willing to endure, the ability to say no to things. We do this to try to get through especially in the beginning and then once what we used to do for ourselves is gone it’s hard for us to bring them back.

Oftentimes we aren’t clear about our boundaries because, in less stressful times it’s easy for us to instinctually decide on what feels right or not. Especially when one of our main focusses is us. It’s when they’re gone that we noticed we had them in the first place because we feel the absence of boundaries on our lives. 

Boundary setting is essential for your own self-care and if you don’t have the ability to set boundaries self care will be difficult because you won’t set that container for the time you need for yourself. You’ll make excuses like “I’ll send more time on myself when things get easier” or “They need me all the time I don’t know how to find 15 minutes for myself everyday.” We get caught in the trap of feeling worthy based on our busyness and pride ourselves in how selfless we are because we neglect ourselves. Or we worry that if we set boundaries we will upset people and be judged for being selfish. 

You know what not having set boundaries feels like. You just might not have realized that not having any set for yourself is part of the reason why you…

Feel resentful and burtnout

Do things to please people even if it isn’t right for you

Take responsibility for other peoples problems

Lose you sense of self

Focus on what other people need at the cost of caring for yourself. 

It sounds like work to set boundaries for yourself… and it is. Being a caregiver is a lot off work and I don’t think you’ve decided not to be one anymore because it’s too hard. So if that’s the case then setting boundaries for yourself is worth the effort because when you care for yourself you are a happier and healthier person. That directly affects the people you live with and care for. 

<< Setting boundaries can feel like a lot of work. That’s why the October issue of Caregiving Confessions focusses on boundary setting. In this issue you’ll not only find a more in depth article about boundaries but you’ll also find exercise to help you figure out what boundaries you need to set, meditations and breathing exercises to help you work through the anxiety boundary setting can cause and some fun things like a music playlist to pump you up and other content that will not only entertain but empower you to start setting boundaries so you can love your life as a caregiver. Find more information about Caregiving Confessions at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions

>>

So how do you start to set boundaries for yourself when life feels hard as it is?

Start by asking yourself what you need. Sometimes I like to have people do a dump on paper. Set a timer for 5 minutes and write out what you need. Don’t make it neat. Just scribble it all out and try not to censor yourself. Then look at it and see if there is something that pops out at you.

Make a list of things you would like to say no to. Maybe someone calls late at night and you’d like for them to stop. One of the first boundaries I set when I became a caregiver was that people couldn’t visit or call if they couldn’t be positive with my husband because creating fear and negativity at that vulnerable time was unwanted. 

Make a list of things you’d like to say Yes to. Do you want to take a walk in the morning? Do you want a half hour to yourself in the afternoon? 

Pick one of those things and decide how you can set a boundary for this. Pick something that feels the easiest to do. As you continue to set boundaries you might find some resistance from the people around you. When I asked people who I knew were negative when talking on the phone with my husband to not cry and act like he was dying every time they spoke to them I got some angry responses. 

Figure out why you need this boundary. Does someone call you late at night and does that make you wake up tired the next day? That would be a reason to tell a person you can’t take phone calls after a certain time. 

That leads me to the next point. Once you decide on the boundary and you have to communicate it to someone don’t spend a lot of energy explaining. They don’t have to understand anything but the simple answer you give them. If you’re saying no to something it’s as simple as that. Don’t waste time explaining how you’re setting boundaries and go into why this no will help you care for yourself. (Unless you really want to share). Simply saying no I can’t do that today is fine. Have a response ready if they ask why but just a straightforward sentence that focusses on you. Like - I need to get a good night’s sleep to be able to function during the day so I can’t take late night phone calls. 

Start with a strong boundary that will allow you some wiggle room. Our lives are usually not the same day in and day out. So if your boundary is set for that cup of coffee in the afternoon but there’s a dr app schedule at that time you’ll need to ditch the coffee time for the app. It’s easier to set a strong boundary and make exceptions than it is to have a weak boundary set and try to make is stronger. So set your expectations high and be open to break your own rules once in a while. If it doesn’t feel right ask yourself why? Maybe the boundary isn’t really addressing the need. 

When people who have been clearly told of your boundary ignore it you need to speak to them about it. If the person you care for knows that you plan on taking a 15 min coffee break at 3pm but then tell you they need to eat a snack and it happens to be 3pm tell them it’s your time and they can wait 15 min. If they get upset about it hold on to that boundary and move your coffee time to a different part of the house or outdoors so you make sure you give yourself the time you set out to have. 

When communicating your boundaries and protecting them when people don't want to observe them don't make it personal. If your loved one wants to make your coffee time their snack time try hard to not break out into a rant about how much you do for them. You do a lot for them and it isn’t fair that you can’t have 15 min of time for you but that argument isn’t going to help you protect the boundary you set. Keep the responses simple. I am taking 15 minutes for myself so I can recharge to be able to enjoy the rest of the day with you. 

Find a boundary buddy. Talk about the boundary your setting with a friend or in your support group. You might feel like you’re making it bigger than it should and back away from doing it so having someone on your side that can support you will make all the difference. 

Be ok with the feelings

If this is your first time setting boundaries then it can feel difficult. There will be times when you think it’s not worth the trouble or that you really aren’t the person to be focussing so much on yourself. Know that is doesn’t magically happen. Making yourself a priority and setting boundaries is something that takes practice.

Just like I’ve suggested in the self-care series… start with just one thing. Once you get comfortable with that boundary you can move on to the next. 

Here’s the thing… if you’re ready to change the way you do things and want to start taking better care of yourself you’re going to need to know how to make yourself a priority and the way you do that is by setting boundaries.

Thing is.. you are a caregiver no matter if you are tired or not. You make time for the things your loved one needs from you. So I know you have the ability and strength to do hard things. You just have to matter more to yourself so that saying yes to the things you need is just as easy as saying yes to the things your loved one needs. 

Thank you for listening.