Episode 129: Being Able to Say No so You Can Enjoy Your Caregiving Life
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Transcript
Does it make you cringe when you say no to someone? If you know the right thing is to say no do you try to find ways to not even have that conversation because it’s stressing you out? Do you say yes because saying no feels too hard even though you know it’s the right thing?
You give up so much of your life to care for your loved one and as you know from last week’s episode on boundaries Episode 128 it’s difficult to stand up for the things that you actually need.
In fact the one skill that is needed to set boundaries is the ability to say no.
Why is that so hard for us to do?
Some of us care too much about what others think of us.
We are people pleasers.
We don’t really know what we need or want because we haven’t taken the time to figure it out.
We feel a sense of accomplishment by how tired and overwhelmed we are because of all the things we do.
We don’t want to deal with the guilt after saying no.
You think you can take on yet another thing and handle it when you really can’t
It just feels too hard to do.
Let’s face it… we hate to disappoint people and in a society where the more you do the better social status you have and the more accomplished you think you look. But not saying no really just makes you an overwhelmed person trying to figure out why you can’t do it all.
You’re not supposed to be able to do it all.
Let me say that again so you can really hear it.
You Are Not Supposed To Do It All!!!
I think we all need to hear that many times in our caregiving years.
You are not destined to be a bitter, resentful, rundown, overwhelmed, stressed out person because you’re a caregiver. You don’t get extra life points for living a crappy life that you hate.
AND
Only you can wake up and slowly find ways to enjoy your life. No one is going to do it for you.
No is a difficult word to say.
When we were kids it was a word that made us feel sad or angry because it meant we couldn’t do or have something we wanted. When we were teenagers and young adults it meant rejection.
So how can saying NO now be a good thing?
What you might not be seeing is that when you were told no as a child your parents could have been setting boundaries to keep you safe. Or setting boundaries for themselves because reading that book more than 5 times in one night is total torture.
Hearing no as a young adult was a person telling you that they had a good sense of identity and didn’t think you were a fit or because that person was really good at prioritizing themselves and what you were asking for would violate that boundary.
There are a million reasons whey someone hears the word no growing up and most often it doesn’t feel good.
That’s why it’s hard for you to say it now not in setting boundaries for other people but for ourselves.
It’s still easy to tell our diabetic loved one that they can’t eat a whole cake on their own. We know we need to say no when our parent asks for something they clearly can’t have or do. We have no problem telling our kids they can’t jump from the roof into a pool or run out into traffic.
There are non verbal ways we say no by locking our doors, shutting our gates and shaking our head.
No is not a foreign word to us but we think of it as a word used as a negative thing to say.
So one of the shortest words in our vocabulary becomes the most difficult to pronounce. Understanding why it’s difficult to say will help give you the ability to say it.
Saying no does not mean that you are being rude or mean especially when that no actually means you are making yourself a priority. It means you know your worth and you don’t have to make someone happy to be a valued person. No means you don’t need someone else’s approval in order to be happy. No means you have to protect your emotional energy because you have close to none left.
No is boundary setting. Saying no I can’t help you with that right now but I can in 15 minutes because I’m going to go for a very short walk is putting yourself first. Saying no I can’t host thanksgiving dinner at my house because my husband is bed bound and I’m hardly keeping it together is how you protect your emotional and physical well being. Saying no to that coffee date with a person you can’t stand is how you keep yourself from feeling drained that day.
Saying no is badass. So start doing it with easy things. Maybe next time you buy something at a store and the cashier asks if they can have your email or telephone number, say no. I did that the other day and it made the young person in front of me short circuit. They didn’t know what to do next and it felt like everyone around me was holding there breath. I said it politely and I didn’t explain why I just simply said no. You know what… it felt good and everyone was ok, I was able to successfully make my purchase and no ones’ feeling were hurt.
So find easy things to say no to at first. Can someone on the phone tell you about their car warranty program? No. Don’t just hang up on them but actually say No and then hang up. Is the table seating in the restaurant ok even though you prefer a booth? No Want to go to the movies to see a movie that doesn’t interest you at all and will probably make you anxious by the end and ruin the rest of your day? No.
The more you do it the easier they will come and believe me there are a lot of impactful No’s you probably have to say.
How about saying no to the PTA person who approaches you to help with the bake sale because your wife did last year but now that she has breast cancer you should do it instead?
How about saying no to never making time for yourself every day because something always HAS to get done.
Say No to giving up your early morning walk.
Say no to being yelled at or treated badly by the person you care for.
Ok some of those might hit a little too close to home but you deserve to be able to say no. Sure it feels easier to just say yes but yes all the time won’t help you stay healthy and allow you to enjoy your life.
Of course at some point someone will ask you why not. As you start working on the harder more important no’s someone will get upset and challenge you.
Here’s the thing… just like in my episode about boundaries you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You can say no in ways that feel more powerful and could answer the question why before they even ask it.
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Wish you could make yourself a priority and be able to say No to the things that aren’t right for you to do? Find more support in the next issue of Caregiving Confessions. Caregiving Confessions is a digital magazine made specifically for caregivers. Not only will you see yourself in the pages of each monthly issue but you’ll enjoy the caregiver specific self care topics, music playlists, quizzes and more. Most importantly each month you’ll say “I thought it was just me” as we bring awareness to caregiving topics we all try to hide. Download your free issue of caregiving confessions and find more about the subscription at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions.
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Here are a few ways to say no.
Start with direct and simple.
No
No, I can’t.
No, I don’t want to.
I’m going to need to pass on this.
I appreciate you asking but this isn’t going to work for me
Then there’s more calculated ways to say it if you think you’ll be challenged. Like
I can’t right now but I will be sure to tell you if and when I can in the future.
I just don’t have the time to give to be of any good help.
Maybe you’d like to help someone but not able to at that time tell them…
I’d really like to help you but I won’t be able to for a month”
Or
I can’t help with this bake sale but look forward to helping you with the next one.
But don’t lie. Don’t say you’ll be able to help in the future if you don’t want to or really can’t just to make it feel better to you for saying no now.
How do you know when to say no.
First clue is when you actually want to say no and that voice in your head is screaming and pounding on the inside of your skull trying to get your attention so you don’t say yes and your body tightens up and you force that fake smile because you’re trying to hold in that No that is trying to force it’s way out.
That’s when you say no.
If you want more than a gut reaction to inform your use of No think of these things…
How will this impact your emotional energy? Will it recharge you and make you feel better in the end than when you started or will you feel even more drained than you already do?
Are you saying Yes because YOU really want to or because you want to please the person asking you?
Will saying yes stop you from doing something you planned or need to do for yourself?
How much of a commitment will this be and if you want to participate but doing so in total is too much can there be a compromise?
Basically if saying yes will not be a positive experience for your mental and emotional help and will create more stress, then NO should be the response.
Saying no isn’t going to be easy if you don’t say it often now. So remember to take things small and slow. Consider saying no to a person asking you for information they don’t need in order for you to buy something like an email address or phone number. The next time you get that spam call say no instead of just hanging up on them. If someone asks if you want some tea and you really don’t, simply say no.
Learning how to say no means you’re learning how to say yes to yourself. Remember you don’t owe anyone a reason why you don’t want to or won’t do something. You don’t need apologize for saying no and it doesn’t need to be personal. By all means find the most polite way to say it but stay firm.
Yes the first few times it’ll be uncomfortable. But think of how good it will feel to say no to that one thing you’ve been dreading to have to do.
So take a moment to think of when you might try saying no next and follow through because you are worth it.
Thanks for listening.
