Episode 108: Why it's Important to Share Self-Care with a Loved One and How to do it
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Transcript
You miss the connection you had with the person you care for. You’d really like to laugh and smile a little more while you’re with them. You just don’t know how to do that again.
Let’s talk about sharing a self care activity with the person you care for.
Now I hear you… you hardly find time to do something for yourself and now you have to share it with someone else!?! I get it. Really if you feel like this then I’d say no don’t share self-care time with them because you aren’t ready. You actually need to spend a little more time on your self first. In fact I would suggest you listen to the beginning of the self care series that starts with episode 82 Finding your caregiving self care style . Or if you’re done trying to figure things out on your own and want someone to help you go to loveyourcaregivinglife.com/lycl and you’ll learn how to work with me to learn how to start loving the life you're living right now.
However, if you are guardedly interested and really miss having quality time with the person you care for keep listening.
We share so much of ourselves to care for the person we love. Maybe you are living with them or come in each day to spend time with them. You could be caring for a parent, a child or a spouse. No matter who it is you probably find yourself wishing you could enjoy time with them again. Sure you are with them often or all the time but not ever really just enjoying time with them.
First you have to start with where you’re at. If you have one or two things you do for yourself and you take time out of your day to engage in a self-care activity I want you to give yourself a mental high five. Or physically, there’s no shame in that. If you know you need to start doing things for yourself to reduce stress, anxiety and overwhelm but just haven’t found the time or figured out how to do it yet I want you to give yourself a hug. No not a mental one like that high five. Like actually wrap your arms around yourself and hug, unless you’re driving a care right now… both hands on the wheel! Hug yourself because that is the self love you need in order to take the next step towards taking your self-care from a wish to a reality.
Involving the person you care for in a self-care activity can be delicate. Let’s just acknowledge that if you are just trying to figure out how to incorporate self care into your day this can feel like it’s hijacking that effort. Like I said before if you feel any resistance then maybe just listen and consider it but make learning how to develop your own self-care practice before sharing time with someone else. However, if you don’t feel a resistance to doing this with your loved one it can reinforce your desire to care for yourself and including someone you love in your curiosity to find what works for you can be comforting.
Let’s not forget that this really checks a lot of boxes. If you start to do something daily or weekly together that reduces your stress and anxiety as well as theirs and creates a connection while allowing you to have moments together you’ll be able to look back at and remember then you’re meeting so many needs with just one thing.
You do have to consider what they are able to do and meet them where they are. If your loved one is bed bound then you’d need to pick something you can do together seated. If they have dementia you’d have to pick something that won’t agitate or confuse them. You would need to try something that won’t stress both of you out. You also have to remember that you are now ahead of them in having this as an idea you’re thinking of. So even though you might be excited about it after thinking of it for a few days, when you talk to them about it it’ll be the first time for them and will possibly need some time to think it through as well.
Just as I always say, don’t take it personal if it doesn’t work on the first try. I find that when I’m springing something on a family member I have to be gentle and strategic in how I approach introducing something that I think might be fun to do. You can’t be passive. You can’t wait for them to ask you to do something with them. You really have to take charge and be all in. Even then you need to be ok with them saying no. People that are under large amounts of stress or pain find it difficult to think some things through so when they are asked to try something new it can be distressing making their easiest answer a no. Rejection hurts. It’s already hard to be vulnerable and if this is something out of your comfort zone you’ll really feel vulnerable inviting them to participate. So make the ask very small. Find different ways to ask or different things to offer to do with them until you find something that works. Maybe sometimes you don’t even have to ask.
For example… part of my evening self-care routine is massaging cream on my hands. I could sit next to my husband to do that and then turn to him and say - give me your hand let me put some cream on them. He most likely would say yes, unless he didn’t like the scent and then I’d try a different cream that suits him.
Or maybe your mom likes period English dramas and you think watching a new series on Netflix would be fun for both of you. You could always get some scones and make some tea and invite her to come sit with you and watch an episode and have a snack.
You just have to find something that will be fun for both of you. If you listened to episode Episode 106 : Top Five Reasons Caregivers Need Fun in Their Lives you know that there are health benefits to enjoying your time especially with another person.
Finding a way to do something for yourself is important. It can be difficult to prioritize your own needs but once you do you really begin to realize how good it feels to take time for yourself. If you’ve already been able to make your own self-care a priority then you know that feeling of not only reducing some stress but also in being able to successfully do something for yourself.
If you have yet to be able to experience that then this is the perfect way to try it with another person. Sometimes we just want someone else to be our buddy in doing something new. It can also make it easier to prioritize because you are incorporating their needs along with yours. What you do need to consider is if you are able to find something for both of you to do together that will allow you to relax a little and enjoy some time but that also is a way for you to both care for yourselves you are giving them a gift.
You’re also giving them the gift of connection. Connection is something we all crave to some degree and it’s very easy to not connect with the person you care for because you spend all of your time doing things for them instead of doing things with them.
So now that we’ve touched how and why this could be an important component of your caregiving to add on let’s think of what you can consider doing.
We already covered watching a new Netflix series or including them in a quick hand massage. Here are a couple more you can think of or maybe they’ll bring up a memory of something you used to do together that you can try to bring back into your lives.
You can start off with something small. Maybe invite them to have coffee or tea with you in the morning or afternoon. Possibly not in front of a TV. Just the two of you enjoying a little moment to just fully experience a hot drink and a snack. Maybe an easy conversation between the two of you.
Or maybe you’d both like to listen to an audio book especially if it’s something new for both of you. You could work on a puzzle or just sit in bed together, lay back and allow yourselves to be transported to a different place and time. If you both enjoy the book it’ll be something you’ll both want to keep doing together until you get to the end.
Maybe the person you care for is willing to try a meditation. Or it could be possible it was recommended by one of their doctors. Find a short meditation and try it out together. There’s an audio meditation file link in the free issue of Caregiving Confessions. That would be a perfect first meditation for anyone. You can download it at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions
Maybe your loved one is mobile and you can go on walks together. Moving helps you process thoughts differently. Once you get walking it’s a possibility that you could have a great conversation. Or possibly a ride in the car would be better. Getting out of the house (other than for doctors visits) is a fun way to do something together. Turn on the radio and go on a little adventure together.
No matter what you choose to do you have to remember that you are both trying out something new. You have to be ok with it not working the first time or two. Both of your interests have changed since becoming and needing a caregiver. So as you try to figure out what is actually fun for both of you now you’ll also start to learn who you are now. Caregiving and becoming sick or disabled changes your life and you don’t get much of a warning before it happens. So naturally it takes some time to figure out who you are, what your interests are now that your life has changed. They could be the same interests but have to be approached differently.
The important thing in the end is this - you are creating an opportunity to connect with the person you care for on a personal level. You’re making space in your day to make memories with them. You’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to laugh and play along side them. Taking time out to enjoy life with someone you love gives you the opportunity to bring joy to their lives as well. Seeing them laugh and smile, especially if has been a while since they’ve done that, is such a gift for the two of you.
Remember, all the things you do won’t be what you’ll look back on. Things you do with them that allowed you to connect are what you’ll hold in your heart. Don’t deny yourself that gift.
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