Episode 27: The Power of Tears

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Full confession time here… I cry when I write.

I just finished writing this podcast episode and I am now crying. So I thought I’d talk about my crying. 

There is so much I want to say but have no idea how to get it all out. 

Do you ever feel that way? Wanting to express yourself so people can hear? So people can see the things you are seeing in the world? So you can share in order to help someone else?

 I cry because writing, speaking, expressing myself requires me to be vulnerable and I hate that feeling. 

 To open up my insides and let you see … my thoughts? my soul? my heart?

 I don’t know you.

 So why do I do it? Because I know I’m not the only one. 

 When I create my podcasts I know I’m not the only one that feels overwhelmed, sad, lonely, angry, happy, anxious, scared, loved, neglected, strong and weak. But if I have the strength to write them and then say the words and send it out into the world where someone somewhere can listen to it and feel … heard … understood… listened to…

And not feel bad about feeling, thinking, dreaming about the things they do when they are taking care of another person, then I’ve done my job. 

Maybe I cry because I feel the collective hurt. Or maybe it’s years upon years of me stuffing that hurt deep down so that I can soldier through the things I’ve had to in order to keep life going for the people I love. 

Maybe I’m crying your tears for you. Do you cry when you listen?

Does the emotion I put into the air with these words soothe you or does it make the emotions in you want to come out and meet them? Do the words I write crying cause you to cry? Do these words see more than one person cry in its lifetime? 

When my voice cracks, when I take a longer pause in between to help bring myself back from the tears, when I just straight up cry when I record do you hold my space for me? Or do I hold space for you and make it safe to cry along with me?

Maybe I cry when I create these episodes because I have to take all the masks off to do it. I have to shed the armor I put on to: 

live my life...

fight for the care my husband needs...

show strength and stability for my daughter...

show I’ve got my shit together to the rest of my family and friends.  

It’s possible that writing is when I’m just me. Feeling all the feelings sometimes at once, it seems. Maybe it’s the one time I express myself when I don’t try to make things better for the person listening.

You’re a caregiver. You know how bad things can get and you know how disappointing life can be. But you keep moving forward a lot of times by putting your own feeling aside. Maybe I cry because I know how lonely it makes us feel to keep all of these things inside. I feel sad because I get the chance to say things out loud that most caregivers will never say and I know that makes you feel alone.  

What would happen if you didn’t hold back the tears when someone asks you if you’re ok? You know a lot of times you aren’t but you don’t want to share. It takes too much energy. Crying takes too much energy especially if it would make the other person uncomfortable. Maybe that person needs to see you cry to know that it’s also ok for them to show emotion. Maybe the world needs to see you cry to understand a small bit of what you are feeling inside? 

Possibly allowing yourself to cry in front of another person will give you strength to… ask for help…soften your heart…be yourself.

Crying means so many different things, doesn’t it? As a caregiver seeing my husband and daughter walk down the street hand in hand brings a tear to my eyes. To have him here for them to have that moment melts my heart. Seeing my husband endure the pain and discomfort of living with cancer makes me cry. When I feel lonely in my caregiving world crying means something different. When I listen to other caregivers stories I cry with them. 

It’s ok to let it out. 

Know that if the crying doesn’t stop, if it happens for no reason or it starts to affect your ability to function it’s time to see someone that can help. Talk to your doctor, therapist, counselor or someone in your community that can be there to help guide you through what you are experiencing. 

Full confession…

I’m a crier

Are you?

I’d love to hear. Let me know what makes you cry.

P.S.There are actually benefits of crying. 

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