Episode 251 : You Can't Fix Them

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Episode Transcript

Last year I told a caregiver that “you can’t make someone want to care for themselves” and it was the hardest thing to hear myself say to someone who was looking to me for help. 

Let’s talk about motivating your loved one to make lifestyle choices you think are necessary. 

I was at a cancer conference to facilitate a speaking session for caregivers as well as lead both a yoga and meditation class and while I was there I found there was one caregiver who asked the same question at each session they were at… how can I get my loved one to care for themselves? 

There were a lot of good answers each time. 

Some people in the audience suggested they invite their loved one to go out with them to do something they both would enjoy doing. Others asked if maybe therapy would help or if they thought their loved one was depressed. A lot of them shared how they too had the same problem with the person they care for. 

The person leading the group or presenting also shared some good solutions and each time I thought… wow that’s a lot of pressure to be asked a question like that in front of a group of people looking to you as the authority in that moment. 

I love when caregivers ask me to listen to their problem and help them work on solutions but it’s usually one on one. I’d already done it a lot at that conference over a cup of coffee or in the halls in between sessions. It was easier to have these conversations in a more intimate setting where I could ask a few more questions that I know I wouldn’t have asked in front of 50 strangers. 

In fact, each time I heard this person ask the same question I began to notice how badly they wanted to find the answer that felt like “the one”. Each time they got the same kind of feedback. Each time they left without a real solution even though  everyone was trying to help. 

As they stated their case and explained about the person they cared for and how cancer really changed them they looked at everyone trying to find a sympathetic person to engage with. When they talked about the line they felt they were toeing between showing concern and love vs doing too much and pushing them away they engaged with people with the slight hint of wanting someone to tell them they were right. 

There was a problem they wanted to solve out of love for their loved one but no one had the answer that seemed to hit the mark for them. 

My last session was early on the last day so I though since this person hadn’t come to any of my other one’s I was safe from being confronted with this question myself. I had seen them seeking validation and a way to find closure to a problem that had been bothering them for some time throughout the weekend. It took up space in my head that entire weekend as I tried to put into words the answer I would give if asked because I too wouldn’t have been happy with the advice given so far, even though it was given out of the good ness of the hearts of strangers.  

As I was working with the tech assistant for that session, getting the mic set up correctly and the camera angled correctly for the virtual portion of the presentation, I didn’t notice who was walking in. I was completely focussed on remembering the short introduction and 8 min speech I had spent months creating and memorizing because of course I can’t just start a speech with something like Hi I’m Charlotte a Cancer Caregiver and a Yoga teacher. Being different than the rest of the presenters I’d seen all weekend was, quite honestly, freaking me out!

SO interesting how freaking out can be easy for us to do, isn’t it? You’d think that at some point we’d get used to the fact that a lot of what happens in life is largely out of our control but It can be so difficult not to fall into familiar patterns when we are under stress. 

It’s also really difficult for me to see that someone needs something and not be able to get them to see it themselves. 

A few years back my husband had a cancer surgery that included a sternotomy. That was a hard one for me to watch him come back from. Let’s face it… the people we care for all may come to a point in their lives when they want a break from recovering, from feeling like crap, from treatments and scans. 

Being faced with your mortality every 3, 6, 12 months can wear you down. Feeling like no matter what you do what’s growing inside you is out of your control or how fast a disease progresses is on it’s own timeline can make you feel like you just want to give up. 

As the person dedicated to caring for them it can be one of the most soul crushing things to experience. You can see it in how they hold their bodies, in the lack of energy they have and in their eyes when they look at you… they just want a break. They want to not care. They want their old lives back and find freedom from the crap existence they feel they’re living. 

And you know that isn’t all true but at the same time you try to stay strong and help them feel better about things. Knowing that feeling down and being able to vent is something we all need and want to be able to do from time to time. 

But when our main focus in life is helping a person to live, it’s really hard to see them not want to live that life fully. It’s hard to stay positive about things when the person that is living with a disease or disability can’t find the sunshine in the stormy mind they live with. 

After I got myself set up in that conference room, and made a mental note of where to stand so the people in the audience could see me but I was also still in shot of the camera for the people attending virtually, I looked at the audience and saw the person I felt I now knew so well because of how much they shared in all the sessions we were both at the past couple of days. 

Worry crept up from behind me and I swiftly sent it on it’s way because I knew there was no way I could present and be present for the people in the room if I worried about a question that I KNEW was going to be asked in the end. 

It was a great session. There were some pretty vulnerable questions being asked and so many others in the room offering their support. I love when there is a coming together of caregivers who are strangers. It shows how we all have so many commonalities and the spirit of helping each other out. 

Every time someone raised their hand to ask a question I would look at the one person I was waiting to hear from to make sure I wasn’t trying to avoid them and each time I found them contentedly sitting on their chair following the conversations. 

Then finally toward the end of our time they decided to ask their question… how can I get my loved one to do things to care for themselves? They are home living with me now and I can’t get them to get out of bed or do things that they used to for fun. I worry about their health because they don’t eat well and sit around most of the day. But they get annoyed with me when I suggest they do out and do something and I don’t want to lose them by trying to do to much after I was just able to not lose them to cancer. 

Automatically people chimed in.

Why don’t you offer to go do things with them. Are they depressed maybe they need a therapist. Let me know when you find out because I’m also going through the same thing. The same things that had been said over and over again. I was ready to tell him what I thought he needed to hear but right at that moment I was told we were running out of time and there were some virtual questions that needed to be addressed. 

In the flurry of what your mind goes through when you’re trying to be on but also real and at the same time answer questions in a way that can bring value to the people seeking help I forgot about trying to make time to follow up with the person I had found interesting this whole weekend and I didn’t realize it until after I closed out the session and turned around to take off my microphone. 

Thankfully they came up to me as everyone was leaving and I smiled and said “I was hoping I’d have a chance to speak with you” I asked them questions about their loved one I didn’t feel comfortable asking about in front of a large group that I also realized they might not have answered out of fear of being judged. 

After talking for a while I paused and asked “Do you really want to know what I think?” To which they answered “yes Please”

I said… you can force someone to want to care for themselves. You can’t make them want it. You can’t shame them into doing it. You can’t be passive aggressive about what they could do to make you more comfortable about how they’re doing. 

What you can do is love them. Accept them. Be there to support them in any way possible. If all they do is sit in the living room watching TV then take some time to sit with them. If next to them is too much at first then just be in the room with them. Comment afterwards how it was nice to watch that show with them. Just spend time with them as the beautiful human they are. 

Reminisce with them about things you’ve done in the past or funny things that have happened to help them recall moments of their lives they enjoyed. 

Tell them how much you love them. Be upfront about how you see they may be struggling and let them know you’re there for them when they need someone to lean on or talk to. Let them know that you understand how they feel can be scary and that you are willing to help them find someone to talk to because getting those scary thoughts out of their head can leave more room for them to be able to heal. 

Hug them as much as you can if they’ll let you. 

Laugh with them as much as you can. 

Just show them the massive amount of love you have for them that I’m seeing come from you right now. 

Don’t try to fix them. 

You can’t force them to change or want better or more. 

You can show them how much they are accepted as they are and how deeply they are loved. 

Cancer degrades relationships. Rebuild yours and in time they may be open for change but in the meantime they will feel accepted as they are. 

I could tell there was some resistance in them as they listened to what I had to say. It was the opposite of everything they had been offered as advice the entire weekend and as they teared up a little they thanked me and walked away. 

Sometimes it isn’t our job to fix something for the people we care for. Sometimes we need to focus on seeing them as the individuals they are and show them how much they are loved and cared for in order for them to make the decisions for themselves we hope they would. 

We can become so hyper focussed on a person’s health that we can lose sight that they are people who have to make some of their own decisions. 

Sometimes letting them know they are loved unconditionally can be a difficult part of our caregiving journey…. But it’s worth the work.

Thanks for listening.