Episode 240: Stepping into Ourselves: Redefining Identity Through Caregiving

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Podcast Transcript

The picture I have on the lock screen on my phone is one of me and my husband after an anniversary dinner in March of 2020. Almost four years later and I haven’t changed it. Why? Because it’s the last picture we took before our lives changed.

Let’s talk about the people we used to be. 

March 2020 my husband and I went out to dinner for our anniversary and on the way out we realized we didn’t capture the night with a picture so we took a selfie of ourselves in front of the restaurant. Both of us smiling into the camera. As happy as a cancer caregiver and her loved one can be. In the moment our bellies were full. We had a good time at the beautiful restaurant and we were getting ready to walk back to our hotel. The next morning I scrolled through my camera roll and loved the picture so much I made it the lock screen on my phone. The one that shows up anytime I touch my phone and wake it up. 

This picture was taken the weekend before the world shut down for the pandemic. 

This picture is the last picture before our lives changed. Before trying to figure out how to have cancer testing and surgeries done in a changed world. Before the outside world became a real threat to my husband’s life.

It was the last picture of the people we used to be. The only proof and reminder that life used to be different. A picture that can be used as a marker for before and after. 

I just wish I had that for my before and after of caregiving. 

A snapshot that I can look at that reminds me of what life before used to be like. The picture that can remind me of the last happy moment before the phone call came to tell my husband he has cancer. The last carefree hug I gave my daughter. The last laugh that came out of me that was untethered to fear and anxiety. 

We take our days for granted when they aren’t threatened. Before caregiving I thought my problems were big. Not finding the right milk at the grocery store was a big deal. Having something lost in the mail was a big deal. Not wanting to make dinner because I was worn out from my normal life day was a big deal. 

Looking back at those days I realize loving was easier. Laughter was effortless. Walking by moments that should have been enjoyed was easy because they would always be there. 

Life was taken for granted back then.

Of course, it isn’t fair to want to say I wish I was that person again because that was 11 years ago. A decade of living changes you. Just the past decade has been hard. Caregiving has opened my eyes to see things that non-caregivers miss. 

Things like the beauty in being able to enjoy the sunrise with my husband sleeping in bed next to me. How hard you can really laugh because the joy you’re feeling in the moment is tied to so much more than just the laughter. 

I just can’t help but wonder how our lives would be different now if cancer wasn’t in the house. 

Who would I be if I never became a caregiver? If I never experienced what some years is a constant fear of loosing my husband. If I never felt the unimaginable power stress has over my body. I I never had to learn about cancer in the way I know it now or navigate life with it alongside my husband, who would I be?

The question that’s hard for me to ask is… has caregiving given me the gift of seeing the world in a more compassionate empathetic way? Through the pain of it have I been given the gift of being able to notice the small moments that I probably would have always missed in my life before?

Do I love harder, laugh faster and hug longer because of it?

Or is that just who I would have always become?

Who were you before you became a caregiver? Were you just a young adult trying to figure out who you were in the world? Did you have a career you had to leave behind because it was impossible to do both? 

Do you remember who that YOU was right before you became a caregiver?

I think we look at the before caregiving years with rose colored glasses but is that a fair thing to do? If we hold on to wanting to go back to the way things were we’re never working on the way things are right now. 

We’ve all experienced a loss. We’ve lost the lives we had before caregiving, whatever it is you wish you had in your life that could be gone now for years. The problem is most of us haven’t given ourselves permission to grieve the loss of that old life, of the old you. So we continue to stay attached to a person we can no longer be. That keeps us from stepping fully into who we are. 

I know I’m not the person I was before I became a caregiver. Caregiving and time have changed me. However, there are parts of the old me that are still the same. The things I’m personally interested in. The activities that bring me joy. The quirkiness of my personality have always been in me. You have some parts of you that have stayed with you.

We didn’t completely change into different human beings when we became caregivers. We just neglected the parts of us that create joy in our lives. We’ve starved those pieces of us and told them to be small. And I have found over the years that if you start to pay attention to those parts of you, you begin to realize you’re more than a caregiver. 

Do any of us want to be a caregiver? No. I would like for my husband to be healthy and not have cancer. I’m sure you’d like for your loved one to not need you to care for them. 

We can’t change that. 

But caregiving has changed us. 

I guess it’s up to us to decide if that change is going to have a positive side to it or not. 

I guess it’s up to us to have it all make sense somehow. 

The alternative is bleak. Living in misery shouldn’t be an option we allow ourselves to have. 

It takes work but I think if we give a little light to the things we used to like to do. Explore the interest we used to have. Sing that favorite song dance to the music we used to love we will make an opening that will allow us to see who we really are. 

Let’s begin to step into ourselves again. 

Thanks for listening. 

If you’d like to find yourself a moment at a time and begin to prioritize your needs in small doses find the course REVIVE in 5 at the website loveyourcaregivinglife.com