Episode 233: Holiday Stress and Mindfulness: A Must-Listen for Caregivers

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Episode Transcript

I spend the beginning of each weekday morning smelling my husband's cologne. 

He’s gone by then. Off into the world while I sit with my computer and a cup of coffee writing. 

It transfers when he gives me a hug goodbye and I have to be honest. Some days I don’t change into my clothes until the last minute so I can have him with me a little longer.

It’s not that we don’t see each other for long periods of time. He works close to home and we spend our time in the evening together. 

I don’t hold on to the smell because there is a physical need to be near him. It’s because a little bit of him stays with me as he leaves. 

I don’t know how you feel about the permanence of the person you care for. You might feel like you are under a constant threat of losing your loved one at any time or you know that their illness or disability will not be what takes them away from you. I know that having cancer in the house with us has made me hyper-aware of the little moments. 

The hug you hold for an extra second. 

That kiss goodbye.

The meaning and emotion behind the words “I love you”

Today, the scent of his cologne caught me. It demanded my attention. It filled my nose to tell me… you’re neglecting me. 

It was right. Just like becoming immune to the smell of your house or the smell of your own perfume I had stopped noticing his cologne… because it’s always there. I was reminded that I had started taking things for granted. 

That’s ok… it happens to all of us. 

Life gets busy and the little things start to matter less because you are trying to keep it together with the bigger things in life. 

I’ve been there. I know what a hug feels like when your mind is trying to tell you there isn’t any time for it. I know what ignoring an opening to ask a child how they are really doing because you just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be there for the answer can do to you.

I’ve been there.

Of course, you are led to believe that being in the moment is easy and you should already know how to do it. 

It isn’t easy and it takes some practice once you learn what it is. However, as a caregiver, it can be one of the most important things for you to learn because of one simple fact…

The little moments, the in-between everything else in your day are the ones you really need. 

Catching your parent sit back, close their eyes, and smile because a song on the tv is one they loved when they were younger is important. Catching a smile from your child as you walk by them can be what gets you through the day. A hug that lasts past the usual length and lets your body slowly let go and melt into the person you’re in the hug with and feeling them do the same is one of the most powerful things you can experience. 

But these will all be lost if you aren’t there for them. If you don’t catch them they never will exist. 

We all have a sense of what being in the present in the now means. Sometimes it isn’t a concrete idea and it’s hard to figure out how to do that in your own world. 

Here’s an example. 

Here’s an analogy shared by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh on washing the dishes in his book A Miracle of Mindfulness. He writes…

“If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future—and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.”

Meaning, don’t try to remember all the Doctor’s appointments your husband needs to make it to next week, figure out what groceries you need, and go over that conversation with the nurse that got you angry while washing the dishes. 

Simply wash them. 

Simply is a loaded word because it isn’t simple. Being mindful isn’t easy. But it is the way to catch the tender moments in between the bigger ones. 

That might mean that when you walk from the living room to the kitchen and you pass by your child on the floor playing you simply focus on walking and what is around you so you can catch a glance from them when you walk by. 

It means when you are changing your mom's bedsheets because she had an accident overnight you just change the bedsheets and in turn don’t get upset about the future load of wash or the extra work it takes to do this multiple times a week. That way you don’t inadvertently shame your mom who’s sitting on the chair beside the bed waiting for you to finish. 

It means when your husband hugs you in the morning you stop everything your thinking about and spend those very few seconds with him allowing your pajamas to smell like him for a while after he leaves. 

Why do I share this now? 

If you are listening to this shortly after I released it then you are entering a holiday season. More things to do. More to be stressed about. Maybe even triggers that show up at the end of the year reminding you that your loved one might not be around a year later. 

Family traditions you can’t be a part of anymore but will overwhelm yourself in trying to still do. Dinners you will host even though you really can’t handle it this year. Gifts you can’t afford to buy and don’t want to wrap. 

All this at a time when you’re also told you should be happy and full of joy. 

Mindfulness is usually the first thing that is sacrificed during this time. You spend most of your time worried about what you have to still do and overwhelmed by what you’ve already done or gone through. 

So what if you don’t have the time to notice things?

You tell me. 

What will the business of your life take you away from? No matter what the time of the year… what will you miss? 

More importantly when you look back what memories do you want to be able to hold onto? 

Will it matter how busy you were? Will you care about how stressed out you were for a few months to do more to fill everyone else’s needs but fail to actually participate in life with them as a result? 

How about the pure magical wonderment a child can have when they see the glow of a holiday ornament? How big your aunt smile when she sees you come in the door for the first time in a year? The enthusiasm your dad has to hear about your life because you haven’t really had a chance to talk in a while. 

How about the tears your mom is holding back because she’s not sure you’re dad will be around next year but she wants to be strong for the family.  The hug your sister needs because this past year has been a shit show and she doesn’t know if she can do another year of it. Or noticing what your nephew really needs is a nice long hug and someone to play with him for once. 

All of that is lost if the stress, overwhelm and business of any time of the year but most importantly the end of the year robs you of your ability to be present and actually participate in the life you’re living.

You might be asking… who does this for me? Who notices me? Who gives me the long hug I need!?!? Who spends the extra time with me or helps make things easier for me because they take the time to notice how crappy my life has been? Who even thanks me for putting together this dinner even though I didn’t really have the energy to do it, or the money to buy all the food or the space to have it? Who takes a moment to notice all that I do and thank me for it?

I’m sorry… they don’t. You of all people should know you can’t MAKE someone live mindfully. You can’t MAKE people notice you and the things you need. You can tell them… yes. And that is a bigger conversation we should have later. But being present isn’t easy for any of us to do. It takes practice and a person has to have an understanding of what it is before they even know they aren’t doing it. 

The thing is… being mindful is not just you giving. Not just you giving a smile, a hug, and anear to listen. It’s you getting. Getting moments to hold on to. Small moments of joy to fill your heart. Actually living and being an active participant in your own life. 

Being mindful reduces the amount of time you feel stress, tells your body you are safe, allows you to smile and laugh and cry wholeheartedly. 

Being in the moment leaves you with the memories that will really matter in the end. It is what allows you to enjoy and love your life in spite of being a caregiver. 

This is a gift for you… all you have to do is accept it. 

If you’re thinking how do I actually do that. How can I figure out how to take some time in my day not worried or stressed out about things here’s a tip.

When your doing something… just do it. If you’re washing the dishes focus on washing the dishes. If you’re walking past your loved one get out of your head and really see them. If you’re driving focus on just driving and don’t find yourself home and not remember how you actually got there. 

When you notice where you are or what you’re doing… stay focussed on that a little longer… you’ll be amazed to see all the things you’ve been missing. 

Thanks for listening.

Links mentioned

Thich Nhat Hanh - A Miracle of Mindfulness