Episode 219: Self-care and Systems: A compassionate guide to balancing caregiving, business, and personal well-being

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Show Transcript:

Charlotte Bayala: Today I have a special guest for you, Melissa Miller. Melissa became a caregiver three years ago after her husband's unexpected diagnosis of epilepsy and having to leave her career as a nurse to care for her husband. Melissa decided to help other caregiver entrepreneurs find a healthy balance between caring for their loved one In building the business of their dreams. Melissa, thank you 

Melissa Miller: for being here today. Thank you so much for having me, Charlotte. It's a treat to you. 

Charlotte Bayala: Thanks. Well, , tell us a little bit more about your 

Melissa Miller: caregiving. I. , my journey started back in December of 2019.

My husband, that's when my husband first had his first seizure. It didn't look like a seizure. It was more of him just passing out unexpectedly. And, , he was changing our daughter's diaper. She was one at the time and. He didn't remember anything and I thought, okay, being in his early fifties and working 40 plus hours a week, probably just a chemical imbalance, you know, just being tired and exhausted.

Mm-hmm. , but when he had another episode in January and March of 2020, I started to notice that something could be wrong and we were already starting to get him checked out. 'cause per the first incident, like, yep, we're gonna see the primary doctor anyway. Mm-hmm. , April and May is when things started to shift though.

That was, those were the first two months that he had 10 to 20 plus seizures. Episodes. Wow. And we blew through the first medication. The general neurologist we were working with at the time could do nothing else. Mm-hmm. So we started working with a specialist. And so in May when we started working with our specialist, I went on medical leave thinking I'll just go to work, but I'll go back and work in like a month and, and just take care of my help, take care of , our daughter, and, um, you know, just helped stabilize my husband.

Mm-hmm. His health only got worse, , throughout that summer. And by July though, we finally got a diagnosis of epilepsy. , and that's when I, I'd been extending my medical leave since May at that point. So I officially gave my notice and the little blog I had started back in May because I just had a gut feeling and maybe I wasn't gonna be able to go back to work.

Mm-hmm. I started going around with it. , and I didn't really get a, a feel for what I wanted to do with my business of targeting caregivers. , initially until, I'd say October to December of 2020 when I started working with business coach. From there, it has evolved to where I now, , I'm now a business and caregiver coach, helping caregiver entrepreneur find a healthy balance between caregiving for a sick parent, child or spouse while going after their business of their dreams.

Now, 

Charlotte Bayala: what. In that timeframe between going on medical leave and then deciding to take on building a business at the, at the same time that you're caregiving? Mm-hmm. What was the most difficult part of that period of your life? 

Melissa Miller: Well, just really coming to the conclusion that that's what I was gonna have to do in May when I went on my medical leave and I started having that gut feeling that maybe I was not gonna be able to go back to work.

Mm-hmm. I was stuck with the idea. Then of course, of what do I do? I only have a 15 year background as a long-term care certified nursing assistant. And I don't have a ba, I don't have a bachelor's. I don't have X amount of years in any other industry. Mm-hmm. And even looking at telemarketing jobs, I was running into the problem with.

Having to hit quotas. So there was no, there was no, , flexibility, if you will, to just drop everything if I need to take care of my husband or my little girl. Right? So those were the big things of what pointed to this article I found by, , Alex and Lauren from Creating Go. They're big time bloggers for those of you who aren't aware where in the business industry, and I initially toy around with a, with a blog.

, but. I quickly found out though, with that, that that is not my jam. I really love. Mm-hmm. Uh, I really thrive on actually interacting with people and having intentional conversation. Um, but yeah, those are, but the main thing was there is that, um, I just, I didn't have any other experience in any other industry and I needed flexibility to do something on my own time when I could, how I wanted, , around the needs of my family.

Charlotte Bayala: Yeah. Well, and you having had that. That role, that job for 15 years, was it complicated or difficult for you to realize and understand that you're stepping away from something you had done for so long? Or was it an easy process for you? 

Melissa Miller: , it was a no brainer instance that my family needs me.

Mm-hmm. We had not planned, obviously, for me to be a stay at home mother. You know, we're just a working class family. We're both working 40 plus hours a week, you know, on opposite shifts. So we could take care of. You know, avoid childcare too because we're, we live, it's expensive. Hello. But yeah, it was a no-brainer about doing the right thing for my husband.

That was, that in our family. That was a no-brainer, but it was definitely overwhelming with going, okay, how do I pay the bills now? How do I, you know, build a life and provide for my family? 'cause as a wife and a mother, that's your number one priority. And so there, that was a struggle. , I did love my career, but I.

It was interesting though that the Lord was opening a, a chance for a new career and a new pathway, which I, three years ago, if you'd have, if you had told me that's, that I would be where I'm doing at today, doing what I'm doing now, I would be like, you're crazy. , you know, , but things happen for a reason.

And even though the hard things happen, things happen for a 

Charlotte Bayala: reason. Well, and was there one moment that you can remember that solidified you wanting to help caregivers? Or was it just a, a gradual process of you in the process of you trying to figure out what you wanted to do next to support your family?

I. 

Melissa Miller: I would say it's a little bit of both. , I niched down quite a bit that first year I worked with my coach. I was in and out of calls doing so many things, but it was good. I mean, I love what my coach says. She says clarity creates action and doing things and trying things and flopping it, not working out.

And even this year, I've been on a massive rebrand since May, , with pivoting my niche again after a year and a half of marketing towards family caregivers. And they're not always. With the ability to pay, but putting myself in a position where I have the experience of building a business, even though it still has a long ways to go, to get it to where I want to be, it's still been a process and an evolution for me.

And I know that can help somebody else who's now either on the, either end of the scale of being a successful entrepreneur, but having no medical background and totally clueless about how. To take the next steps or what steps they need to take on the back end to take care of their spouse, their child.

Mm-hmm. Their aging parent or grandparent. , and then also two fold too. Maybe it's more you are a caregiver or just starting out as a caregiver, but you're like in a situation where I am, where you have to quit your career mm-hmm. To be able to be home full time with your family and you're going. What in the name of my do I do right now?

Obviously you may not be talking about caregiving like I do. Mm-hmm. But you have something else that you're passionate about. And I'm very good with systems. Systems is how I live my life. So piece of the puzzle that I can bring and everyone's different. And I really hate the industry with all the one size fits all approach.

'cause let's face it, we all have a unique brain and that does not work. Uh, one size fits all approach. So, I'm really passionate about trying to create the change in the industry about how you can do both. It doesn't have to be a choice. You can prioritize your loved ones needs. Mm-hmm. And honor their wishes, whatever that looks like for you of what you're aligned with and what your loved ones aligned with, and actually still work and go after your career, even if it's a total new, totally 360 degree pivot from your industry that you were in before.

And. It's still, and it also is therapeutic, I think. 'cause it's something for you, right? You're doing something for you. , I love the fact that I have a podcast now because I've been able to have these intentional conversations with people like Charlotte. Mm-hmm. And just get to meet all these different types of people.

Mm-hmm. I would not have done that if I had not started my podcast, and I certainly would not be doing the things that I'm doing and gained all these new skills with systems if I hadn't started my coaching practice. So, right. There's so much I have gained from this experience, even though I may, I'm a baby entrepreneur and I haven't had, I haven't hit consistent R o I yet, but I will.

Mm-hmm. And that's okay. I think it's okay to just. Be brutally honest and go, okay, might take years, might take years. You know, it's, it's not something that happens overnight. And I know from my healthcare career, I would say it wasn't until I was in year six to seven that I really finally felt like I got my footing.

Hmm. Because I finally got some good training. I had got, I had worked a couple different shifts, , different types of shifts. I had worked in different types of facilities and I got to the position where, I was in a position where I actually got to start training new recruits at facilities I worked for.

So companies trust me enough, like when we had new, whether it was just partnering with local colleges to train new CNAs or, , we had new employees, they stuck, they put them with me because I had a good work, work ethic and they trust me. So that says a lot too. So I'm thankful for the hardship because I could give somebody a better experience after.

What I had gone through, right. In that, in the healthcare industry. And same thing with being a caregiver and business coach. I wanna do the same thing. Yeah. Not everyone has a medical background, so I'm very much aware of that. Whether you're, again, a six figure business owner or you're a baby business owner just starting out.

Either way, caregiving can touch you either way. Yeah. 

Charlotte Bayala: Are you able to incorporate, , skills and knowledge from your background as being a nurse with the people that you work 

Melissa Miller: with? Yeah. And to clarify, I was a certified nursing assistant, so I wasn't actually a nurse. Um, but as a CNA you have to know quite a bit.

Mm-hmm. Because you're the eyes and ears of your nurse. I mean, obviously I, I never wrote orders or, , administered medications, but. , you learn how the body works. Mm-hmm. So you can tell the telltale signs of like, okay, something's wrong, or something could be off here. And it's my job to then report to the nurse above me Right.

And say, Hey, Mr. Jones is not feeling well, or, I saw this, I, I'm seeing this change in his, ability to perform basic activities of daily living or ADLs mm-hmm. In the medical world, you know, whether it's bathing, dressing, or. Just mobility. 'cause that's what sets in motion getting the rest of the team, be it in a nursing facility or home health or hospice.

It, it's what sets them the team in motion of going, okay, let's problem solve, what do we need to address? Right? What, what kind of can of worms is opening that we need to shut, like right now, how do we shut it down? And it opens communication so, I think that's important to know that, your experiences definitely play into your other experiences and so mm-hmm.

Where the, where I'd say the medical training comes from me is just like, You know, talking about, just basic symptoms, you know, just tracking basics, symptoms. What's the baseline for your loved one? What is the normal symptoms they have every day with their illness? Mm-hmm. What are the flareups or triggers, if you will, or if you wanna use a big word, provocations.

That's what the, EMTs will ask you. If they come to your house and they're triaging your loved one. What are the provocations, you know, or has this happened before? The more you can doc, learn to document. On that side, the better off you'll be. 'cause then when you can rattle off, or even just have a doc ready to go, or an organizer ready to go with, basic informations of dates, for your loved one of allergies, medications, specialists and doctors, dates of diagnosis triggers.

what makes you know, you know, triggers, and what helps. Calm the illness down. Is there anything that does help calm it down or is there really, is it just, so is it really just out of whack all the time? There's really nothing you can do and you're just trying to keep the scale in balance, but Right.

It's a struggle. And having all those details. Really expedites the care that your loved one gets, whether it's in a hospital setting, an urgent care setting, or in the home. Because when the team knows what's going on, they're quick on the money, and they know exactly what to avoid and what they need to do to stabilize your loved one.

Charlotte Bayala: And how do you suggest or how do you work with, your clients in, in keeping track of all of this? 

Melissa Miller: A big one I would suggest is I'm really starting to leverage, digital resources or even just having, or if you wanna go the paper route, just having a binder and writing everything down, dates, times, what you saw, what was their, if something's new, what were they doing before, were they in a stressful situation?

Did they try something new to eat or did, did they just try an increase in their medication? Maybe that's too much. Are they complaining about something new that they've never had before? Like, you know, like maybe they've never typically had pain, but they're saying, oh, my arm or my shoulder hurts, or, right.

 Yesterday they could walk to the bathroom, but today they can't. You need to put them in their wheelchair for safety to get them to and from the toilet. Mm-hmm. All those little details. Because you're the, because again, you're the eyes and ears of your loved ones team, and the more you can document and really have detailed information about what's going on, that helps because, Again, too, as the caregiver, you have so much information you're trying to process.

You're not gonna remember it all. I guarantee you. That's why I write everything down. and that becomes your best friend for follow up visits with your loved one's medical team, following a hospitalization or just even updating over the phone or a telehealth appointment. when something happens, it also helps, the whole team cohesively.

Like, I have a log for my dad, so obviously the team's coming in now. Mm-hmm. With caring for him to, , for the hospice team to be able to, look and see what's been happening day to day. Or even just for me to just reference. When they come in and they're asking me questions, I go, okay, yeah, on this day I gave dad this medication, or this day dad struggled more with this, but this day he was better.

Just, it just, it becomes your best friend. It becomes your leg up, and that log can go with you, be it either digital or paper. So if you go to a medical appointment, Take it with you, you can reference it and then add in more information for the team. If you have in-home visits, like with home health or hospice, same thing.

Write it in when they're taught, when the, whether it's the social worker, the nurse, anybody, just write it all down. Yeah. 

Charlotte Bayala: And I think that when you have a, a system, even if you, 'cause in the beginning, I know anytime we try to do something new mm-hmm. We ultimately forget. And it takes a while for us to be on board.

But even just knowing that you have. Something waiting for you to document things that are happening. I, I feel that it helps you really pay attention to the things that are happening, because I know when I bring my husband home from a cancer surgery, that's usually the most. High alert caregiving. I do.

Mm-hmm. , and I'm writing everything down usually on an, app in my phone of symptoms or things that are happening with wounds , and the medicine that he's taking and how he feels. But when we get over that hump, even though he has other things that are. Caused by his cancer that are happening in regards to his health.

You know, I don't always pay full attention to them, or there are things that are chronic that I don't always take stock or write down how many times they happen because I, kind of just feel like, all right, I could take a break, but at the same time, If someone's in a place where their break, so to speak, is not really a break at all, it's just not as high functioning as a caregiver.

Like you have a little bit more time to not always be in crisis, but there is still health issues that you really need to stay aware of. Knowing how to do that, knowing how to document it and having that support, whether it's on a piece of paper or using an app or something electronic, it not only helps you keep track and start to see patterns that you might not have otherwise seen.

 I always have a, a journal. And it's all about my husband. It's every note from every doctor's visit with centimeters and millimeters of how big tumors and lymph nodes are and documenting what medication you. And so it's always the same book and I've just been carrying it around for years.

, but when you walk in like that, doctors, I feel. Are more APTT to listen to what you have to say because you're not trying to recall. You can simply sit down with the forms that you have or the app that you have, and when you can be concise and very direct, this happened and this is what happened before it.

This is what happened at the end. , this is what helped, that helps them instead of kind of hemming and hawing while you're trying to. Explain what you feel is happening, but you don't have any supporting information to give them. 

Melissa Miller: Absolutely. Yeah. And again, whether it's telehealth, whether it is an in-person.

Have your medical log with you. That's what I do. I have my, I just keep writing and adding to it. So there's dates for medical appointments, there's dates for, I just keep going through the notebook and I just keep adding. Yeah, I keep adding and do it. And then, and then, because then you're, when you have it in front of you.

'cause I know for us, with my. Husband's neurologist when we've had appointments. he'll ask for like, what is new? So I'll like have notes jotted down about kind of some highlights I wanna kind of cover. Mm-hmm. But then he'll be asking two specific details about past seizures. Like, how many has he had in the last week, or how many has he had in the last month?

I can go through real quick and count or, If he has a specific question about maybe one, 'cause I have to call in every time he has a seizure too. Okay. To come to ate too. So, sometimes they'll want more information than what I can give over the phone. They'll be like mm-hmm. On that. When he had that seizure back two weeks ago on the fifth, when you said that X, Y and z.

Was this new or was there more pain or you know, just little asking for more clues. Yeah. Because again, you're the invest, you know, you have to think like a scientist. I love the way my mother used to say this. Think like a scientist. Put on your goggles and get to work and figure out how you can make this better and how you can get more information to your team.

The, again, knowledge is power. Yeah. So the more information you can give your loved ones medical team, the better off you are. And again, the more, and it's preparing for the unexpected. Like I teach 'em my prompt method, the more you can do ahead of time. Mm-hmm. The less stress you're gonna have when an unexpected medical emergency happens, or just a decline, right?

You're moving through a different season, you're prepared, you're ready to go. You already have your systems in place and you're ready to rock and roll, and it's a lot easier to tweak if the care plan's changing, if they're needing more care, so you're bringing in more caregivers or whatnot, whatever the situation might be.

Yeah, but it just makes it run and flow so much more seamlessly than if you're just, if you haven't been doing anything and you're running by the seat of your pants 'cause you're scrambling. 

Charlotte Bayala: Right. I can confess, there are times where I should have written things down and I didn't.

Because I was trying, just trying to keep up with everything. Yes. And so many of us do that, or we are generally inherently organized people, but once enough things start to fall apart, it's kind of, it, it just gets overwhelming because we don't have that order that we, we live with and crave. And that order that creates that, that.

Space for us to be able to breathe, um mm-hmm. You know, having. Things in disarray for a lot of people, uh, is not good for the caregiver, even emotionally or for their mental health. No. And so now then you have someone who really craves structure and organization, but then caregiving is messy and disorganized and then you're trying to.

Figure that out while at the, the same time, especially with the people that you work with, trying to hold onto a career or create a business. So how do you help people find that 

Melissa Miller: balance? Well, the biggest part I do is I. Have systems for both. Mm-hmm. It just really comes down to systems. If you can do one system for the caregiving side, you can rinse and repeat and put it on the business side.

So for the business side, on the backend is having a digital resource for business, I would definitely, it's more digital on the, because it just, it just works. There's no way you can do it. It just doesn't work. But think about it, saving yourself time and stress whenever you do something. Saving, rinsing and repeating.

So say,, so in notion, I love notion linking all my products, linking all my graphics, linking and saving all emails. Mm-hmm. Rinsing and repeating from one, one launch, I can use it again and again and again and just tweak. Right., saving all my login and username passwords. Yeah. So I can find it. And because how many, how many, many of us have written it somewhere on a scratch of paper, but then we can never find it. , automating emails with a lot of welcome, with funnels. Saving all your links in one spot. , descriptions, there's so much. I mean, you know, bundled summits having a, a section for that alone, because again, that becomes, or, or for me, like since I run a podcast, I do, , my podcast and Airtable, but it's still a system.

So, I mean, I'm not saying you have to use Notion or one or the other because I use multiple platforms too. I, I use primarily two or three. I use Google Calendar. Share table and notion. Mm-hmm. And just having those systems on the back end to where I can just, I'm ready to go and I'm, I can run. Mm-hmm. That makes all the difference 'cause I have it in place.

Instead of trying to guess what am I gonna work on, what am I gonna do? How am I going to do it? Yeah. The more systems you can have of, of getting in the habit of sa every week going in and saving documents, or linking documents or as you're creating a new product as you go, okay, I got the landing page link that's gonna go in a, in a, in a tab.

And then here's the Google Docs with the graphics or the Canva link. Even just linking the canvas link docs. Yeah. Or, or link to the, to the graphics and saving the emails. , Whatever you can, or even just copying and paste them into notion if you wanna save, , Google Drive and Google growth space mm-hmm.

 Space because you're just starting out and you don't wanna have to upgrade or just, you know. Yeah. There's so many things. It's, it's a rabbit hole. That's a huge rabbit hole, but it's an important rabbit hole. The more you can do. On the back end, it's just gonna help you so much both as a caregiver and a business owner.

'cause when you have systems to fall back on mm-hmm. When things get, like you said, it's a mess. Yeah. Entrepreneurship can be a messy 'cause you're do learning a lot of new skills that are not within your industry that you were before. Caregiving is very messy, especially if you've never been a caregiver before.

, I know for me, with my husband, even though I was a healthcare worker for 15 years, I never once had a seizure or epi patient. So the first six months I was like, Cramming information into my head to try to, , educate myself. And how discouraging was it for me then to find out that it's incurable?

Mm-hmm. It's chronic and there's no streamlined treatment either because there's still, so it's dealing with the brain and unfortunately, even if you have a loved one, I guarantee you'll be on a different ion of meds, need a different device placement or different surgery pro potentially, or procedure.

It's unique brain. There might be some sim similarities, but it'll still be different. So yeah, that's, and that's tough. It's, and everyone's different. , so how can you just make it easier and how you cope through it. Mm-hmm. And again, like you were touching on, it is a form of self-care, physical mm-hmm.

Mental, emotional and spiritual. Right. 

Charlotte Bayala: Right. And I, and I think that it, us talking about these things helps people. Understand that there are alternative ways of caring for yourself and, and doing things to make caregiving manageable so that you have more time for yourself. And I know there, there could be someone out there listening and saying, I am not going to learn how to use any electronic anything.

 And those people, it's fine. Your system can be a, a different colored notebook for each different thing and a big Absolutely. There you go. A big paper calendar on your kitchen wall. Like there are ways to do systems without it being electronic. And I, 'cause I get the learning curve for some of them, but if you're creating a business or you have one, then those are tools that you probably are already using.

Um, how do you. How do you get entrepreneurs to navigate through trying to figure out how, how to balance being a business owner or a person who has a job? Because not all, you know, some caregivers can't work because of mm-hmm. The amount of caregiving they have to give. Yes. Mm-hmm. Um, so how do they, how do you help people or what is the one thing that you would tell someone who's listening right now who is.

In a business, has a business or is hoping to build one and is a caregiver, what is the one thing for them to keep in mind that you think is most important? 

Melissa Miller: Ooh, that's a good question. I would say just be open to and surrender the timeline. Mm-hmm. It's gonna be messy. I've been at this for three years and I am.

Obviously we have it perfectly envisioned in our head about how fast we think we're gonna get clientele and generate r o i and get the income that we want and have all these beautiful things. It doesn't go like that. Yeah. And 'cause the curve ball is the caregiving. Right. You know, when you're dealing with a chronic illness, you, it's different day to day.

You just have, there's, and there's, there's no rule book. So I think. The big thing I want you to understand, for those of you who are living, who are, who are listening, who are adjusting to be a care, being a caregiver simultaneously, but then you're trying to start an online career and, and pivoting 360 degrees from your other industry, is that you're gonna have to surrender the timeline.

Yeah. And you're just gonna have to be open to it being messy. Because you're gonna have to flop to figure things out about what works for you. That goes back to those systems again, of just figuring out what works for you, what makes sense to your brain, how can you decrease your overwhelm, is what it really boils down to, and it's gonna be messy.

Some days you're gonna get a lot done. Some days you're, I mean, I have set office hours. I mean, the timeframe that we're recording this in is during my office hours of when I'm mm-hmm. Visit, when I have, when I have my time, my family knows I'm working, I'm doing things, I'm trying to get stuff done, whether it be be Zoom meetings or.

Podcast. Mm-hmm. Or working on products or coaching with my clients. This is the time I do it. The four to five hour window that I have, that's my time. Mm-hmm. Is it, but does that mean that I totally get it uninterrupted because I'm a wife, I'm a mother. Right. I'm a caregiver. I'm a caregiver to two par to adults with varying different needs.

My aging father with multiple diagnoses of his own, and my husband who has epilepsy. Mm-hmm. No. So that means there's some days I'm not gonna get everything. I'm not gonna even get through my office hours. Does that mean I'm a bad business owner? No. It just means I might have to surrender and be okay with, okay, crap, I hit the fan today.

I, I'm not gonna get as much done. Yeah. But my family comes first and that's the whole reason I chose this kind of career, because I can't do that. You know, my husband right now, if, if my husband had a seizure right now, I'd be dropping this call and not be running. Mm-hmm. Or if my dad chatted for me, I'd be dropping this call and running.

Mm-hmm. There has to be an element of surrender and being okay and comfortable with it, being messy, with it being unpredictable. Mm-hmm. And with it just taking as long as it's gonna take because of the, the, the, you know, the, , you know, the combinating Defactor denominator of the caregiving. Yeah. 'cause I know those of you who are listening, I have my loved ones that have varying health needs, two of 'em that have very different, , health needs at the end.

Each end of the spectrum, you guys that are listening are gonna be dealing with, I mean, Charleson has a whole different can of worms dealing with their husband and or cancer. So it's gonna look different for everybody. Right. But the common thing here is that I want you taking care of yourself. Mm-hmm.

And I want you making it as easy for yourself by having systems. Whether it's being intentional with how you get your 90 ounces of water and or however many ounces you need, or getting 15 minutes of movement in or creating a system. Be it, be it on paper like Charlotte was suggesting. She, she threw out some awesome, go back and listen.

She threw back. Awesome, awesome. Tips for doing a paper system. If you want digital. Your girl's got you for that. Mm-hmm. Whatever you can do to leverage systems to make it easier on yourself, please do it. 

Charlotte Bayala: Yeah, and I think, From what I was hearing was you have to figure out what's most important, right?

Absolutely. So for you, your business is important, but so is your family. But you have to figure out individually what is the, what is the value or the values that are most important for you to live by? And those really help you decide. What has to get done in a day? So, you know, I know we've all had moments where we are just set in that we have to get this one thing done, whether it's caregiving, whether it's personal, or whether it's business related.

And we kind of deny ourselves the ability to take a step back and not do it. Because the other thing that's calling for us is actually more important to us, and it doesn't help us feel good in the end, right? No. Maybe we feel like, okay, we could check this thing off of our list, but then at the same time, oh, we have it checked off, but what really what, what needle did that push in any part of our life?

And how much more important was it for us to. Really work with the person or give them the time, you know? 'cause sometimes it's not even anything that on paper is important. Maybe your child needs a really big hug and you are too busy to even notice that they needed it, you know? And so it's those moments that are.

Ethereal, right? Their, their feelings and their emotions and their, you know, giving to someone in a way that is not maybe even caregiving. It's just you being a human to another human. And oftentimes when we're too set in things that have to happen the timelines and not accepting that.

There is no need for a so-called hustle culture in your household. Mm-hmm. Um, that things will happen as they can and as they should, even if it's uncomfortable for us trying to learn how to accept that my life. Is not what I expected it to be and is not moving in. The trajectory I might have thought of would be 20 years ago is okay because I have, I have accepted that I actually have very little control.

You know, there is some things that we just don't have control over that as caregivers or as business owners, we. Feel like we're grasping at controlling everything. Controlling who's gonna like our posts, controlling how our our loved one's diagnosis is gonna change after we do all these things in between this appointment and the next one, when all you can really do is the best that you can.

Hopefully that's also trying to be the best human that you can to the people that are around you. Because in the end, if a business fails, if you are finding yourself at home with your family, if you have loving relationships that you can grow with and mm-hmm source your energy from, then you have everything that you need.

So I feel like a lot of times we get really. Uh, hyper-focused on what we should be doing and what should be happening, and we're losing sight of what is actually there for us and the happiness that we're just walking by because we're too much in the moment of I have to get this done, or I'm super stressed out about my father or my husband or my daughter, and, and 

we're missing the moments, right? So I feel like absolutely we have those systems. It gives us an opportunity to first of all know where we're at. There's always opportunity to have goals of where you would like to be. I mean, we do it all the time. When we go into doctor's appointments, there's always some kind of landmark we're striving for.

, there's nothing wrong with having. Kind of this idea of what we'd like our lives to be like in the future and working towards that. That's what building a business is, that's what's, learning how to be a caregiver because over time, even by the minute, it can change. Mm-hmm. , it's the same with parenthood.

You think you have figured out your child and then six months later everything just tur pivots and you're like, who is this person? But knowing what that. That thing is what your why is, , is what can help you enjoy the whole, whether it's a, a horror movie or it's a romance or it's a drama, enjoying whatever that movie of your life is in the moment because you are able to take some time to just step back and notice the people that are around you and enjoy them.

Because we're never guaranteed that the business will be there tomorrow, that the people in our lives will be there tomorrow. So really having that system in place so that you have less to use your mind space for. So I absolutely, I think that's why I'm so attracted to your, , your use of systems and how you tie that into caregiving because it's, For me, it's comforting to have things in order, so I'm sure 

Melissa Miller: I'm not the only one.

Yeah. I'm def I'm definitely a structural girl. I, I, I'm a planner. I like to know what's gonna happen when, and even if it's not there for like, thinking of end of life, you know, well, let's throw it into the caregiving side of, end of, of, end of life. You know? It's like, it's not, I'm trying, not trying to rush it there.

Right. But knowing that I'm gonna already be grieving and just having peace of mind like this is, these are the things I, I'm gonna need to have priority. Mm-hmm. And just making sure that everything's in place to be able to address them when I get there. That gives me peace of mind and that's self-care in advance.

Okay. Yeah. It's not about adding more stress, it's giving peace of mind for your future self. And you know, that's the thing I think. I think that's the biggest thing you need to be careful about if you're looking at being an entrepreneur or as you're segueing into being a caregiver for a family member.

Mm-hmm. Is just be prepared for, the grief because it's normal to grieve the life that you thought it's, it's, and it's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. Oh yeah. I actually had a big cry down yesterday 'cause it was such a rough day, you know, in the morning I was just emotional 'cause I had just been, you know, I, I.

Spoke too much on my plate with my business. I was trying to do two projects at once, and it just, It's not happening. So I'm pulling back on one and that's okay. because the project I'm working on right now that's due, that's gonna be for the next month, is more the priority and my program. Mm-hmm.

It's still working in progress. I've been working on it. It's, I was gonna launch it at the end of this month, but I'm gonna hold it off till the end of August and that's fine. Yeah. So there's, there's not, there's nothing wrong with realizing that you have too much and you need to pull back. Right. And it's okay to give yourself grace.

 in terms of what you need for that season, maybe it is, I know for me, focusing more on my spiritual self-care has been an ongoing process since July of last year since working with my life coaches, that has been the thing. But then also too, I'm very passionate about getting down to the nitty gritty and working on my business as well, and also being present as.

The wife, the mother, and the caregiver that God and the daughter that God has called me to be. But you know, it all comes down to, like you say, your priorities for the season you're in, you know? Colossians three 17 says, you know, whether in Word or do, whether in Word or deeded, do it all stress, the word all and the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and whether you're a Christian or not, that still applies, you know?

Mm-hmm. Like do it all. Mm-hmm. For, for the benefit of of, of the quality. Of your life, right? You know, whether it's for your family, whether it's just for you, for your clientele, because it really comes down how you show up and take care of yourself. First and foremost, is really how you're gonna be able to actually qual the quality with by which you're gonna show up for your family as a caregiver, right?

And those other roles as a wife, a mom, a daughter, caregiver, aunt and uncle, whatever hat you have, and more importantly, as a business owner, they want the essence of you in a good light. Right. They need that. They're, they're, the reason they pay for your services and come to you is because they know you.

They can help that. You can help them through a hard struggle. Exactly. But you're not gonna be any good to them if you don't take care of yourself and if you don't figure out how to get things organized to where you can show up, you, you have that. That's mental space and capacity to be intentional on a zoom like this, or a podcast or a coaching call or whatever, or putting your heart and soul into a course or whatever.

Mm-hmm. That might be that they need. Yeah. They want the essence of you. But it does not work at the house of cards if you don't have those systems in place to do so. Mm-hmm. And if you're not keeping your cup full cliche as it is, you have to keep your tank or cup full, however you wanna do it. Mm-hmm. You know, no one can run chronically on an empty tank for very long.

It's a disaster. Right. I learned that the hard way in 2020. That's how I went whole year. With being under Agnos for my i b s and I was sick and trying to build my business, take care of my daughter and my husband, it was a disaster, okay? Mm-hmm. And it's cost me money and time. I wanna help you save time.

I wanna help you save money by having systems in place, I wanna help you, um, save the stress of just going and of kicking yourself later on. Like, I should have woulda, coulda. Yeah. That doesn't serve anybody getting, you're stuck in that pit of woulda, coulda, shoulda have. It doesn't move the needle forward on your business.

It doesn't help you, get up to speed with getting meeting the needs of your family. It's just not going to work whatsoever. Yeah. 

Charlotte Bayala: Yeah. And you know what? Quite frankly, I am not the type of person anyone wants to be around when I, Running myself into overwhelm and burnout. So people around you just simply want you to be at least slightly pleasant enough to live with or for you to be able to care for someone with, that feeling of really wanting to care for them.

Not doing, you know, I don't know. There have been times where I've. In the middle of the night after being in the hospital with my husband, after you know him coming home after a big surgery and then needing to go downstairs for water because he needed to take medication and stomping down the stairs and then stomping right back up the stairs with the water and then seeing at least the.

How ridiculous it was before I stepped through the door and just checking myself and saying, hold on. You know, it's just water. Like there's so much of our emotion and kind of just a reactionary place that we put ourselves when we're overwhelmed and we're burnout from whatever it is. Business caregiving parenthood.

 If we allow ourselves to get there, we become people I feel that we don't really want to be. And so having that system in place, giving you at least a sense of, understanding of what is happening, where you wanna go. Then giving yourself time to take that step back to, to take that breath so that you're not throwing a glass of water to your husband at three o'clock in the morning.

You know, those, those are the things that we need that energy to be able to do. And if we're forever trying to remember everything in our heads or, forgetting or not even paying attention, and then, an issue becoming a bigger issue because we, we weren't, Able to see that it was happening, you know, that can really affect not only our lives, but everyone around us in, in different ways.

So I really love that you have this ability to help people learn how to bring some order into the chaos of the lives that they're, that they're living. So I appreciate that a lot. So someone wants to find you work with you. They're like, what is Notion? Who's Airtable? Who, how can they find you? How can they work with you in the future?

Melissa Miller: Your girl's everywhere. So, I, I am heavy. My big biggest social media presence is over on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. So, you can find me. At, similar 2011 on Instagram, Melissa Miller, 2020 on Facebook, on my Facebook business page. YouTube at mom, mentor, caregiver, coach. I all, that's where I, on my YouTube channel is where I repurposed episodes of my podcast, caregiving and Entrepreneurship reimagined.

And then if you want to just learn how to work with me, I, on a more paid scale, The best place to do that is to get on the wait list for my new coaching program, group coaching program caregiving and entrepreneurship reimagined. It was slated to open on the 26th of July, but I'm going to pull that back to Aug to the end of August of 2023, so I can do it to some, like we said, it's messy.

Some caregiving challenges, I'm going through right now personally with my father and also too, 'cause I'm working on another project right now that, I've, I'm just really passionate and I've committed to, 'cause I'm collaborating with other people on this one, so I do not want to let that fall by the wayside.

So, yeah., but yeah, if you're interested in going, getting on the wait list for, for caregiving and entrepreneurship reimagined, check out my website programs, Melissa Miller, 2000 eleven.com/caregiving and entrepreneurship reimagined, wait list. And you can get on the wait list and you'll be notified, via email when the doors are officially opened, and for other tidbits of incur.

Nice. 

Charlotte Bayala: I will have all of those different links on the podcast page for this episode. So if you are driving or didn't get all the links, they will all be there live for you to click on., Melissa, thank you so much for being on here with me today. I really appreciate it. I'm. I have so many ideas just brewing in the back of my head of how I can create a another system for my personal life that I'm just like, alright, I'm gonna learn better how to use these.

I. Apps and, and programs that I already have that don't really know how to use. Like if I can make them work better, it would be so much more beneficial for me. So now I feel like inspired to go 

Melissa Miller: in there. Yeah. Yeah. Just start. Yeah. I will leave you with, Just do, don't make it hard on yourself. I mean, if there's an app that you feel would probably be better for you digitally mm-hmm.

Do some research about it, but give yourself 90 days to really get a feel. Yeah. Give it a quarter. Just really see if it does work for you, or if you already, you know, really, I. Paul and, but on using one that, for the business side already, right. Leverage it. Just create another board and just go at it.

Another page again, leverage free templates. Yeah. All the platforms that I talked about, except for Google Founder, but Airtable and Notion do have tons. They do templates. So if you are unsure of how to go about creating a system, the cool thing about it with a template is you can duplicate it, make it your own, and then just run with it.

A lot of what I've written for my templates that I like to use with my clients, use for myself, I pretty much have, have spent from inspiration I've gotten from other people and, and also just personal templates from either Airtable or Notion, because again, it goes back to we don't like staring at a blank screen, and it just helps us problem solve by having.

An outline and then we can just go back and edit like, oh, I don't like that. That category's not even applicable to me. I'm gonna use this. So just give yourself some freedom and just know that that is an option. And Charlotte, if you need help with, with, digital resources, you know where to find me. 

Charlotte Bayala: I do.

Thank you so much. And I can't wait to hear if anyone, that's listened to this has. Joined your program. It'd be really exciting to see how caregivers use it. 

 

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Episode Links

Melissa's Website - https://programs.melissamiller2011.com

Melissa's YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/@MomMentor_CaregiverCoach