Episode 213: It's Not Just You Part 4: Finding Beauty in the Tears

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Show Transcript

You know you have the right to feel sad, don’t you?

Sad about the life you had to leave behind. Sad that you can’t connect with the person you’re caring for the way you would like. Sad that your future and life goals were set aside. Sad that no one brings you meals anymore even though you don’t have the energy to cook.

Sad that no one asks you how you are?

This month’s theme is all about things you’d like to say but never felt you could. Expressing your needs as a caregiver is difficult to say the least. Let me tell you, your emotions are valid. I’m here to tell you that you aren’t the only one that feels the way you do. The only reason you think you’re alone is because we don’t have the energy to be vulnerable and share our difficulties, thoughts and emotions.

So this month I’m re sharing reminders that it’s not just you!

Let’s talk about your right to feel sad.

There are a lot of things you can find to be sad about as a caregiver, aren’t there?

You're caring for someone who needs your help and emotional support which means there is a disease, illness or disability that makes life difficult for a loved one, and for you. That alone is enough. 

So it is really difficult to hear someone who doesn’t understand what you are living with to tell you to just be happy. Or worse yet - for them to say there isn’t anything for you to be sad about because your loved one is alive. Sure they don’t understand how it feels to live with someone who you can’t make feel better. How watching them in pain or struggle to enjoy life is agonizing. Or how it chips away at you to see them suffer through treatments and tests. 

The problem is that they don’t understand or truly see you and when that happens it makes me feel even worse. 

I try to keep in mind why it is hard for people to see my emotions especially when it is sadness. 

I know that people in our lives hate to see us sad. It makes them sad and sometimes very uncomfortable. Emotions are hard to see and they are hard to hide which makes for a difficult situation altogether because then we try to hide what we feel or we try not to see what is being felt. A loss on both sides. Someone who loves us might be the type that wants to fix things and know they can’t fix what is making you sad. Maybe they are sad about the same thing and don’t have the energy to help you feel better about things because they don’t realize how powerful a hug can be. We’ve also been condition to stop crying when it happens. Telling a child that fell to stop crying it’s all better now. Handing someone a tissue can give them a signal that you want them to stop. 

Emotions can make many of us uncomfortable especially when they aren’t our own.

So I don’t look for the perfect response to tears. I just want compassion and empathy. I just want someone to acknowledge that I’m sad or I’ve had a really crappy day, week, month, year.  I want someone to give me a hug or hold my hand. I don’t need for them to fix it. I don’t need for them to understand. I’d like for them to be open enough to accept my tears as I’m being vulnerable enough to let them flow. 

That’s what makes it difficult and painful isn’t it? You allow yourself to become vulnerable enough to cry or convey that you are sad in some way and that person tells you your sadness isn’t valid. How can you be sad? Your husband just lost a leg and you still have two! 

You find yourself weak, overwhelmed and tired and all you can do is cry and the person on the other side of the line tells you that you should be happy that your wife is still alive. 

I don’t want to hear what I should be. We aren’t asking to be fixed or to be shown the silver lining. Feeling like we deserve to feel these things is already a problem we have as caregivers. How many times did you find yourself laugh at something or find yourself happy and then feel guilty about enjoying the moment because of what your loved one is living with?  

We already do that to ourselves. So maybe that’s why it hurts so much for someone else to do it too. Sometimes it makes us stop sharing with people because you’d rather not be heard than to be heard and judged or misunderstood. Right? 

So you keep things bottle in and locked up. No one understands so maybe there’s something wrong with you. You don’t deserve to feel sad or depressed. Maybe you’re making too much of it. Maybe taking care of a husband that’s dying isn’t enough for you to feel you deserve to be sad. 

Would you say that to someone else?!?!?!?

Of course you deserve to feel any emotion that comes up. You should allow yourself to feel them. There is no reason for you not to feel pure happiness or pure sadness. You’re a human being who is dealing with more in life than many others around you are. 

I think we are sometimes misunderstood because we don’t have the energy to show who we really are or what our lives are actually like. 

I think everything is good in moderation when it comes to emotions. However, there can be a moment when the sadness becomes too dark and suffocating and you need someone to help you out. Don’t feel like you can’t see someone who is trained to help you through these things. Find someone who can help you if you feel depressed or so deeply overwhelmed that you just can’t function. It’s not hard to find yourself there as a caregiver. If you can coordinate all the support your loved one needs you have the strength to coordinate help for yourself. 

So allow yourself to feel sad. Allow yourself to feel happiness. Allow yourself to walk away from the person that asks you how you could possibly feel either one. You don’t need to justify your emotions to anyone.

How do you handle feeling sad? I’d love to hear if you have any coping skills that help bring you out of sadness even just a little bit. Maybe it’s a song playlist or looking at pictures. I'd love to hear about them.