Episode 21: The Connection

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Connecting

What do you do to connect with your loved one after you get them back home from surgery?

I know everyone is exhausted and sleep usually plays a big part of the first couple days we are back home. But what happens after that?

I know that it is really easy for me to try to get caught up on all the things that are waiting to be done. Grocery shopping, cleaning, washing clothes, updating people on how things are going. It is very easy to spend more time away from my husband than with him when I fall into this mode. Lately I’ve been able to catch myself.  

Sure he needs to rest after surgery but after having me by his side all day and night in the hospital it’s a big change to be apart from him the entire day once we get home. 

It isn’t over when you get them home. They still feel tired physically and mentally. Anesthesia takes a long time to wear off. When you’ve had any type of surgery the body needs time to recover. On the other hand, the caregiver has to care for that person and oftentimes feels like there is just too much to do to be able to relax and hang out with their loved one.

 Isn’t it interesting how you spend all this time trying to keep your loved one alive and after surgery you can find yourself too busy or too tired to do things with them? 

Why do we have to feel we need to be so busy? 

I find myself constantly researching and learning about my husbands’ cancer so that I can understand and advocate for him and sometimes fighting for better care. Once I get him home I step away? Sure all of that can be overwhelming and stressful. Being a caregiver is sometimes a heavy responsibility to carry. But why is it sometimes so easy to forget how much we enjoy the person we are caring for?

Maybe we don’t enjoy them so much when we first bring them back from the hospital?Depending on what kind of patient your loved one is they could make things a little difficult. 

But what is stopping us from just spending time with them? 

I think it’s just like in a pervious episode where I talk about having to remember they aren’t just someone you are taking care of but they are someone you love and we need to not lose sight of that.

When you come home after a big surgery a lot could have changed. I don’t think my husband had the energy to go out to do anything for months. Before this surgery we spent our weekends going to out. No matter what the weather was like we would do something outdoors. We’d go out to eat or to the movies. We’d go to friends houses or to the theater. Or museums.  After his first surgery, if we did try to do something like that he would pay for it for days after. His body just needed time to adapt. He had to adapt to not having a thyroid, adapt to going through radioactive iodine treatment and the stress of finding out that his cancer had spread. 

So if you can’t do the things that you used to do to connect and spend time together find things that can fill the void.

We liked going to the movies and by the time he had the energy to watch any there were some good ones to rent. So we would make some popcorn and turn down the lights to watch something at home.

We loved going to comedy clubs so instead we would find a comedy special to watch or find a favorite comedian on YouTube and watch them. 

My husband had his first surgery in February in Wisconsin so we would just take short walks around the house together. 

We laughed a lot. If you think of the absurdity of somethings that happen in life you can see that you can be upset by them or laugh at them. We mostly chose to laugh. We created a lot of inside jokes between us during his recovery. Things that when they would happen again at doctors’ visits we would only have to look at each other and then try not to laugh. 

Maybe you didn’t do a lot of things together with your loved one before you became their caregiver. That’s ok. You can see this as an opportunity being presented to you to make a connection with them. Sometimes just sitting next to someone to do something separately feels good. 

If you need help with some ideas here is a PDF that will help you think of new things to do with each other.

Just try to find ways to connect with the person you are caring for. Don’t make it just a job or another responsibility you have. Enjoy them. Allow yourself to have fun with them.  

You both deserve it.

Thank you for listening to and supporting the podcast. If you enjoyed today’s show, please share it with someone who might benefit from listening to it.

I would be extremely grateful if you would consider taking a minute to leave an honest review and rating for the show in iTunes. They’re helpful when it comes to reaching other caregivers and I read each and every one of them personally!