Episode 18: Scanxiety Pt. 1

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My husband has his 6 month checkup this week. It’s July 2020. 

Not only do we have to deal with the same issues, anxieties and fears that lead up to this day and then the amplified state of those emotions while at the hospital. We have two other stressors we have to contend with. A new Doctor and spending an entire day in a major medical facility during a Covid -19 pandemic! 

My husband doesn’t talk much about his cancer except for maybe the week he has to go in for screening and Drs visits. I think about his caner a lot. I think about it when he has a weird pain in his chest. When he has a headache he can’t explain. When he coughs. When he is really tired. When he suddenly looks pale for no apparent reason. I’ve worried about it a lot. I’ve gotten better about it over the years and as I learn to take care of myself more and let go of the things I can’t control it has gotten a lot better. But I still worry.

However, the days leading up to his next appointment are very emotional for me. 

There is so much anticipation and anxiety. We know he has tumors and the plan is to keep them from growing but not knowing what has been happening inside him during this half a year is frustrating. 

What do I do? I plan. I collect all the notes from the previous two appointments and I download his lab results so I know what his levels were and what direction they were trending. I know the sizes of the tumors and where they were last time. I collect all the information that I didn’t need to consult for half a year and I prepare. 

I prepare for our day there. It’s amazing how unhealthy the food is at hospital cafeteria. Inside joke for us is it’s what keeps them in business. So if I think there is enough time to walk to a restaurant outside of the hospital I’ll plan for that. If not, then I will usually bring a lunch for us to eat quickly. We drive to Mayo Clinic in MN from the twin cities which is about a 2 hour drive for us. Lab work is always first and he has to fast before that. So I pack something he can eat quickly after the lab appointment because we usually are rushing from labs to ultrasound and by the time he’s done with labs he is hungry and a little sick to his stomach. After ultrasound, which can last about an hour for him, he usually goes straight over to CT and after that he is usually nauseous. So I carry a soda around with me. It took me way too many times running down to the gift shop to grab one for him before I got smart enough to bring one with us. 

After that there is usually some time. There is a vast world of tunnels and shops underneath Mayo so we usually walk around them and go as far as we have time to to get lunch. Things close to the hospital are usually really busy and we really like to go somewhere quiet and be able to sit down after running around the campus all morning. 

Then we go back up to the waiting area for his oncologist and wait. His oncologist is really good at listening to you and answering all of your questions. That also means he is always late to his appointments, sometimes by an hour. But we appreciate not being rushed when we are with him so we don’t complain much while we wait. The problem we usually have is having to run to the bathroom but not wanting to miss being called. As if some magical window will close if the nurse has to wait an extra minute to take you back when you’ve already been waiting an extra hour for your appointment. It feels like having to leave in the middle of a movie and wanting to rush back so you don’t miss anything. 

Once we are with the oncologist we go through the CT scans, which I love. I enjoy being able to see inside his body from the outside. I’ve studied anatomy and I am always amazed at how the body is put together but most of all I like being able to see the cancer. The measurements are proof that it is still there and assurance it hasn’t grown or alarms us if it has. There isn’t any deciphering. It’s right there in front of us and most times we will have both the current scan and the scan from last time side by side to see the differences. 

Of course there is that possibility of your life changing in just one second. That one second holds so much weight in a persons’ life when they are at an appointment like this. That one sentence the Doctor can say that either tells you things are still ok or that something has to be done. 

There’s no way to prepare for that one minute. It’s like being on a rollercoaster as it is pulled up that first hill to get it going and you sit at the top for just that one second. That moment when you change your mind and want to go back, or jump out and it doesn’t matter if you close your eyes because you are still flung forward. That is what it feels like while sitting in that room with the doctor going through all the information. Some days I just want to yell “What is the bottom line? Does he need surgery or not? Has the cancer grown?” I understand needing to set up the information so in the end we can understand the diagnosis but it always feels like it takes too long to get there. 

Then we get to leave. Mayo Clinic is pretty empty by 5 o’clock and we are usually walking through it around that time or later depending on how long the wait and time spent with the doctor goes.  

We walk to the car and drive the two hours back home. We get back exhausted and hungry and just want to collapse into bed.  

On our drive there and back we usually listen to someone talking. Most times a comedian. Something we can both enjoy together and that can keep our minds from going off into the day before we even get there. The drive is mostly flat farmland the whole way there so there isn’t a lot to look at. After our first drive there years ago we decided we needed something to listen to. 

Now we have to do this but with a new doctor and during a pandemic. 

I’ll let you know how that goes. 

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