Episode 159: Resentment is a Bad Word and other Lies Caregivers are Told

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Show Transcript

As soon as you realize what you’re thinking you feel bad about it. You feel sad and then lonely. All it took was one off comment from someone checking in on your loved one. Or maybe they made you feel invisible. 

Let’s talk about resentment. 

I had a long-standing relationship with resentment when I first became a caregiver. It wasn’t sudden but as the adrenaline began to wear off from finding out my husband had cancer I began to notice things.

One of those was noticing people were primarily only concerned about him. 

Did you feel it with that sentence? So much unsaid that a caregiver can understand the sentence, my husband has cancer and no one asked about me. 

Did some people ask about me? Of course. Did I have close friends and family that asked how I was and didn’t expect me to say, I’m ok or hanging in there? Yes. They knew I was going through a lot because they were able to empathize with me because they really knew me. 

But the many other people who checked in always wanted to know about the cancer patient and didn’t check in with the person trying to keep everything together. 

And it hurt.

I’ll be honest. It hurt and it made me resent all of the concern he got when hardly any of it was directed toward me. 

And I told no one. 

Because.. I knew I’d look like a jerk if I did.

This was one of the first things that made me feel alone. Before feeling resentment I felt the things that felt normal for me to feel. I felt fear and anger and worry. I was exhausted all the time because of the stress that was dumped on me all at once.

All of that felt like normal reactions to what was happening in my home. 

Resentment, however, was a different level of emotion that I did not expect, and when it showed up it complicated things. 

It started small. At first, when people began to learn about my husband’s diagnosis I was so happy they cared. To have him know he was supported by his family, friends, and coworkers was so helpful in filling his days with positivity. 

Yet, the more people checked in the clearer it became to me that no one checked in with me. I didn’t notice it at first because I was too concerned about what was going on with his health and also because I hadn’t spent that much time as a caregiver. But as the weeks went on and I became more tired, scared and overwhelmed it became very clear that I was the one working hard to keep things going so he could focus on healing. 

That’s when resentment really started to show up more… and I hid it. 

Anytime I talk about resentment with a caregiver, write about it or speak about it publicly I want to do the same thing. Because to talk about resentment as a caregiver means you have to talk about something that makes you feel very vulnerable, brings up the way it made you feel at the time, and causes you to try to put into words the feelings that are hard to describe.

To say, when my husband was diagnosed with cancer a lot of people checked in on him regularly and it made me feel like shit because they didn’t ask about me, is difficult. 

To think that right now my husband or could be listening to this episode or friend and it will make them feel bad or sorry for me or angry I would even think of myself at a time like that makes me want to not tell the story.

However, my purpose is to let you know you aren’t alone, I understand.

What is resentment?

According to Wikipedia Resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resentment

Resentment can result from a variety of situations involving perceived wrongdoing from an individual, which are often sparked by expressions of injustice or humiliation. Common sources of resentment include publicly humiliating incidents such as accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest; feeling like an object of regular discrimination or prejudice; envy/jealousy; feeling used or taken advantage of by others; and having achievements go unrecognized, while others succeed without working as hard. Resentment can also be generated by dyadic interactions, such as emotional rejection or denial by another person, deliberate embarrassment or belittling by another person, or ignorance, putting down, or scorn by another person.

Resentment is a real emotion that a lot of caregivers feel. So why don’t we talk about it more? Why was it so easy for me to identify and so hard for me to discuss with someone?

Because when I felt resentment I immediately felt shame. I thought what I felt others would think, How can you resent the attention your husband is getting when you don’t have cancer?

I can tell you with 100% certainty it had nothing to do with attention. 

I was in pain and scared and every time a person failed to check in with me it made me feel unseen which caused me to feel wronged which caused me to be resentful which created shame and made me feel lonelier and more scared. 

You and other people might say it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t but how many times as a caregiver have you tried to minimize what you felt or the effect caregiving has had on you because on paper it just didn’t make sense?

How many times have you hidden how you felt because you didn’t think anyone would understand?

How many times have you denied yourself the emotions you are carrying because you feel it only makes sense to you and you don’t have the energy to defend those emotions if someone were to judge you for them?

I didn’t have the energy to justify my resentment to someone so I could talk it out with them. 

Resentment is one of the top reasons why you’re listening to me right now. Because when I began to get a handle on caregiving. When I was finally able to make myself a priority again. When I was strong enough to talk about the things I didn’t have the strength to say when I first became a caregiver I realized the things we hide are the things that make us feel isolated and lonely and only when we start to have these conversations can we begin to connect. 

There are over 53 million caregivers in the united states alone. You pass by them on the street, in the supermarket at your doctor’s office. All silent and hiding parts of you are caused by caregiving. 

I found something very important for you to know about the things you hide. 

Hiding something gives it more power than it deserves. 

Hiding my resentment made it feel bigger than it should have. It gave more power to shame and it took energy that I needed for more important things. 

The resentment I felt was for a reason. The resentment you might feel right now is for a really good reason. For caregivers, it often shows up when we feel we are misunderstood, which can be a lot of the time. 

What I’m telling you is I was freed from the shame attached to my resentment when I started talking about it. When I look back at that period of my early caregiving years I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t wish I could take back the resentment I felt because that resentment was a valid emotion. I needed people to check in on me and genuinely ask me how I was. 

Even if I lied and told them I was ok, hanging in there I would have felt better because for just a minute I would have felt seen. I would have known that they had a little bit of an idea of what I was going through or feeling. 

Sometimes acknowledgment is all we need. Sure it doesn’t fix anything but just a nod that says I see you and all you’re doing can make a big difference. No one has to be a caregiver to have at least a sliver of understanding of how difficult it is. The argument that maybe they just didn’t know doesn’t fly and quiet frankly it doesn’t matter. So when you feel resentment and then try to make yourself feel bad about it because maybe they didn’t understand how they were making you feel is crap. 

If you feel something don’t judge yourself for it. Find out where it’s coming from. Talk to someone about it, write it down, and try to figure it out. Don’t try to explain it away as silly or trivial. Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve to feel what you’re feeling. And that’s not just for negative emotions either. 

How often have you found yourself happy or laughing for even just a split second but then quickly pull yourself out of it because now isn’t the time to feel happiness?

How many times have you been embarrassed by your thoughts of just going to check into a hotel for a night and not telling anyone where you are because that is how badly you need a break?

How many times have you punished yourself for wishing you were sick so someone else would have to take care of you because you don’t think you can be a caregiver anymore?

How many times have you hated yourself for fantasizing about running away?

These all are signs that there is something bigger that needs to be addressed in your life. Many times all we need to do is talk about the things we are trying to hide or feel we can’t share with anyone because they won’t understand.

When you don’t and keep it hidden you feel lonely and misunderstood and you hold yourself hostage. 

Believe me, once you start letting those things out they lose their power. You don’t have to tell the whole world in a podcast about your resentment. You can tell a friend or close family member. Or better yet you can talk to a therapist. 

Seriously, it makes a difference and there is so much more you should be using that energy on. 

Take care of yourself

Thanks for listening.