Episode 157: Breaking the Chains of Caregiving: Why Knowing Isn't Enough and How to Create Your Own Care Team for a Life You Love

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Show Transcript

This is the last in a series of podcast episodes designed to help you figure out how to create your own care team. I have to admit… there are more episodes devoted to this than I had planned. However, as I wrote each one I realized there is so much I could share to try to help you find ways to offload some of the things that cause you stress. There are more angles that I think you should consider but for now, I think there is a lot in these six episodes for you to work through and consider. 

Today let’s consider hiring help.

Last year there was a sudden loss of an extended family member. There was no opportunity to prepare for this mentally or emotionally. No hospice or being able to follow a slow decline. Just one day this person wasn’t on this earth. 

So I along with other family members jumped on planes or in our cars and by the end of the day were all together figuring out what the next steps were. We prioritized what needed to be done and began to plan. Never having had the need to know how to organize a funeral we began to figure out together what needed to be done. 

We reached out to people we knew in the area for their resource lists and set out to get things set up all so this person's immediate family members could focus on grieving and notifying people of the loss. 

Other than funeral arrangements there were things we wanted to do in their home to help support them while they grieved. Acknowledging that well after we were gone they would still have to process and come to terms with their new world. So we worked at helping clean up the home and set things up to be easy for them in their daily life once we were gone.

There is nothing that has ever made what matters in life clearer than losing someone and as we worked to fix and clean things in this home while organizing the funeral we all quickly realized there were some things that needed to be done and we just didn’t need to do.

We had more important things to focus on. 

So again we researched, called on people we knew in that city for their resource lists and recommendations and we hired out some of the things that needed to be done. There was no judgment or stigma in having someone else do these things. We were all very clear on the fact that if we did everything ourselves we would be quickly overwhelmed. It also wouldn’t allow us to grieve in our own way as well as support each other emotionally. 

There was no question, we had to hire out some of the work. There were just some things that other people were better equipped and more knowledgeable at doing and we had no issue with using them to get us closer to our goal of supporting not only the people we were there to help but also to support ourselves. To try to limit the overwhelm and to keep from burning out. 

Now you might be thinking, of course, you should have. This was a life event that no one is ever prepared for. Losing a loved one is an extremely emotional time and there should never be any judgment in how you make it possible to support each other. It’s what anyone would do. 

Losing a loved one and becoming a caregiver are big life events. They both involve loss, although the loss caused by death is different than the loss experienced in not only becoming a caregiver but also the continual losses you incur over time that you don’t take the time to grieve. 

Losing a person makes it ok to grieve and it makes it ok to accept help. A death in the family can activate an immediate support group and makes it imperative that you not only accept that support but you allow yourself to seek out paid help to do some things you just can’t or won’t focus on at the time because something bigger is happening. There are things that are more important. There are people who are better equipped to do some things for you. This big loss helps you put things into perspective. 

Anyone who says how come you didn’t cook all the food for the wake on your own, or  Why didn’t you go pick those flowers and arrange them yourself is a jackass. 

While I was helping to organize some of the things we needed to outsource I realized many caregivers will only find the support they need, they will only allow themselves to create their own support team when the person they care for is gone.

The thought of that made me so sad. To think of a person making time to cry and process after their loved one is gone. To only call on people to help and hire people who have more expertise than they do to do things they need to be done when they need extra time to spend on someone who’s already gone. 

One of the things I was in charge of was finding a way to get all the clothes washing done. There was a washer and dryer in the house but there were just too many other things that needed to be done that were more important. So I researched local dry cleaners that did wash and fold and companies that would possibly pick up and deliver it when done. 

I knew, from my own personal experience, that clothes washing is a necessity that can be hard to get done when life becomes difficult. I understood it was something we really needed to help with and it would have a lasting effect even after we all returned home. What I hadn’t anticipated was how liberating it would feel.

I decided on a company that would come pick up the wash from your house and then return it within 24 hours. None of us had ever used a service like this so we were skeptical. We all wondered how well the clothes would be washed or if all of them would come back. However, we never worried about any judgment or criticism because we simply didn’t have enough emotional energy to care. 

It was new for us. So, of course, it felt a little different and it caused a little concern but within 24 hours we all were pleasantly surprised. Everything came back washed and folded and for a moment we were all relieved. It was such a gift of time. 

Many of us don’t have the gift of time. So often I hear caregivers talk about how they have lost themselves because they don’t have the time for their own care. Or how they wished, looking back, that they could have spent more time enjoying their loved ones before their condition worsened or they forgot who they were. 

I realize that I can have you write lists and ask you to imagine how your life would be if you created your own support system. I can give you the words and the skills to find people to help you with things you really don’t need to be doing. I can tell you that you can’t wait for time to show up but instead need to find it, create it, and demand it so you can not only break out of the clouds of caregiving that are blocking your sun but can share and enjoy that sun with the person you care for. 

But unless you really want change it will never happen. My words mean nothing. This feeling you have right now whether it be hope for a brighter future or a sliver of inspiration will mean nothing if you don’t act. 

Knowing that you are unhappy with being a caregiver is not enough. 

You have to want more. You have to believe you deserve more. Being able to enjoy time with your loved one while they are still here has to mean more. 

I can’t make that happen. You can’t find it in a book or in a class because the switch that needs to be flipped is only inside of you. The potential is already there.

You just have to turn it on. 

Thanks for listening.