Episode 154: Beyond Just Getting By: Finding Joy as a Caregiver

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Show Transcript

Do you find yourself sitting back at the end of the day feeling good about everything you got done? You know those days when somehow you had enough energy to do all the things you wanted to plus extra? The days you got a great meal on the table and then had the time to actually marvel at how awesome of a caregiver you are?

No? 

Let’s talk about giving up on just making due and getting by. 

Over the past two weeks, I have been helping you figure out how to not only identify things you can actually ask someone to help you with but in the end help you begin to put together your own care team. 

The one thought that might keep coming back when you even consider making a change is … I’ve been doing everything on my own so far. I can just keep things the way they are. 

Or 

I’m getting by and making do with the way things are. 

I get it. Making changes in how you do things, asking people to help you with things you could really use help with, and being vulnerable to the fear of people judging you or letting you down is real. That alone can feel like trying to fix or change things is just not worth the extra effort, emotional consequence, or potential chaos it can cause. 

If we know what miserable feels like and somehow feel we can have a handle on that then it makes it hard to break free from the comfort of not having to think through how to create change in our lives. 

Let that sink in for a moment.

If you are dissatisfied with your caregiving life because you personally do not have the support you need you at least know what to expect and from that sense of control of your life you can decide it isn’t worth it to become uncomfortable and try to do things a different way. Even if it means you continue being miserable. 

I find that interesting. 

It is often said that caregivers don’t care for themselves because they think it’s selfish or it’s hard for them to do things for themselves because they don’t value their own care. 

Yet oftentimes I think you don’t choose yourself more because it’s uncomfortable. Feeling tired, overlooked, and lonely aren’t comfortable feelings, for sure, but at least you know exactly what to expect. 

To make more time for yourself or to spend time finding ways to find support from others means you’d have to spend less time doing the things that you do all the time. 

Meaning, it can feel more comfortable to be unhappy and miserable and it doesn’t outweigh the work you think it will take to make a change. 

If you’ve been working on your list of things you do all the time as a caregiver, as a person, with the people that live in your home with you and outside of the home if you care for them in that way I want you to take a look at it or think of what you put on that list. 

Or if you haven’t worked on one just take a quick second to let some of the things you do each day flash in your mind. 

What percentage of those things were for you?

Was it 0%?

Or maybe 2%

Most likely less than 20% of the things you wrote down or just thought of that you do each day were things you did for yourself. 

You spend almost 100% of your day doing things to help other people in your life live with ease or to make sure they are comfortable and have the things they need. You give all of yourself to make sure the person you care for gets the care they deserve. 

Yet in all of this, you don’t think you deserve more.

Or, if you do… you don’t feel like you have the power to do more for yourself. 

Possibly the thought of it is just too uncomfortable. 

Now if you have a long list of things you do, that you’re responsible for I want you to feel good about all that you do for your household, for the people you care for but I also want you to be able to look at that list and be happy about all you do for yourself and I think that is most likely lacking. 

You’re probably thinking… My list is too long for me to even have the time to do anything for myself. 

You’re right… you’re doing too much especially if you’re trying to do it on your own!

That’s why creating your own care team is important.

Why? Because you matter.

It’s as simple as that. 

Because you deserve to enjoy your life even though you’re a caregiver. 

Because doing more in the house doesn’t allow you to enjoy time with the person you care for. 

Simply because not enjoying life with the person you care for because you’re too busy caring for them is maddening. 

It makes no sense! 

Let’s also address a more important reason why you need to do more for yourself. 

Just getting by in life can mean many things to different people. However, it almost always includes unhealthy habits, not attending to your own health, and not prioritizing ways you can reduce stress in your life. 

All of that will lead to your own health failing you possibly causing you to not be able to care for your loved one let alone create a need for a caregiver for yourself. 

So this week what I’d like for you to do is spend some time writing down the things you can do for yourself throughout the day and week and things you’d like to be able to do in the future. Those are two different things. 

First is a list of things you know you can do and that makes you happy when you do them but you just don’t make time to fit them in. The other is a list of things you’d really like to do because you did them a long time ago, they might require you to have to leave the house or spend a little more time than you’d usually spend on yourself or it’s something new you’d always liked to try but haven’t.

Don’t feel you need to take action on this list right now. What I want you to do is think it through and try to write some things down. You don’t need anything special unless that’s what gets you motivated. 

Just work on writing things down for this list specifically and I’d like for you to try your hardest not to think of how you can actually do something new for yourself because what that will do is most likely start to cause you to turn down the opportunity to write this list. 

You aren’t working to figure out how to add something new for yourself in your day. You aren’t being asked to problem solve or figure out how to afford something you’d really like to do. 

Don’t make it complicated. I just want you to write a list of things you’d like to do for yourself. It can be fun things, something you think falls under self-care. It can be life development ideas you’ve had or adventures. Don’t make it make sense. Don’t only write things down that you think you might be able to do and leave out all the things you would like to but feel will never happen. 

It’s just a list. Don’t make it more than that right now if you can help it. 

It could be an emotional task to take on. You could find yourself feeling sad and upset about the things you are noticing you don’t do anymore or the difference between everything you do for everyone else but you and the things you do for yourself right now. 

It’s ok.

You might also become excited about the possibility of all the things you can do that you actually want to do.

I Love That

However, most of you will feel overwhelmed, anxious and angry that you even for a second thought about doing this and to those of you that feel like that I just want to say…

You deserve so much more happiness in your life than you have right now it is possible to find it again… you just need a little help. 

Trust me it’s worth the effort

Thanks for listening.