Episode 151: Learn How to Worry About the Important Caregiving Things

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Show Transcript

I’ve made the mistake of being a do it all caregiver. 

Early in my caregiving years I did everything myself. Before surgeries I would clean the house from top to bottom, make meals and put them in the freezer, make sure we were well stocked in drinks and snacks, I even made sure all the sheets were clean before stepping out of the house to surgery. 

I controlled what I could at a time of high anxiety and stress. 

There were too many moving parts and if I didn’t map out their trajectory from the very start I was worried there would be a cataclysmic crash that would result in me …

feeling like a failure!

As time went on I got better at it. I learned I could pack my car specifically for the ride home from surgery complete with large ziplock bags slipped into the side pockets of the doors, I’d pick up a soda and had blankets and pillows to make that post nausea ride home doable. 

As overwhelmed as I became over the years of trying to do it all I valued my ability to be a successful caregiver by how much I could actually do. Thriving on what was tearing me down. 

The problem was… I didn’t know there was another way. 

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There is another way. Figuring out how to ask for help can feel complicated but in the March issue of caregiving confessions we’ll be working on not only how to ask for help but how to decide what you need help with and how to get over the roadblocks you come across every time you consider asking for it. Caregiving confessions is a monthly digital magazine made specifically for caregivers. Find more information and subscribe at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions

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We didn’t live anywhere near family even though we had friends and my husband had a great support network at work but unless it was requesting playdates or sleep overs for my daughter so I could keep up with caregiving I didn’t ask for anything. 

There were moments that people gave but people reaching out and helping didn’t clue me in on the possibility that I didn’t have to do it all. 

I had my blinders on. I circled the wagons I set my sights on the one goal I thought I could control… keeping my family together, safe and maintaining our status quo.

It didn’t take long before I began to feel the effects of doing it all. My outlet became crying but I’d do it when no one could see. I’m not talking about in the darkness of a closet or the middle of the night. I became adept at crying on my way to the car after teaching a yoga class, as I walked down the stairs and anytime I entered through the door of a room I knew was empty.

I was crying because it was the only way my body could release the stress. Like a pressure cooker but instead of steam it was tears. I didn’t know that at the time. I had never been under that much stress before in my life so I didn’t realize that crying throughout the day was a sign that I was not ok. 

There was no time…

There was too much to do. 

I was trying to hold on, keep everything under control while my whole world seemed to be unraveling. I thought if I could hold on tighter I could do it. So anything that wasn’t critical to my mission was eliminated. Things like actually sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, getting on the phone to talk to a friend, grabbing a book or magazine to read for just a few minutes. I’d stopped, smiling, laughing, allowing myself to have fun. And of course… I tried to ignore the crying. 

Until I couldn’t ignore the crying anymore. 

I finally realized I had to ask for help. So I met with my doctor and I cried as I told her about my crying. After we spoke for a few moments she told me she felt I was crying because of unproductive worry. 

I thought unproductive worry… isn’t that some shit. 

All this time I’ve been awesomely productive at being a caregiver and now I’m being told I’m unproductive at something? 

So I instantly wanted to know how to get better at it!

How could I get better at worrying? Where was I going wrong? How do I fix it? What book should I read to be able to be more productive at my worrying? 

Being in the trenches of the first year of caregiving I didn’t even consider that there was a healthier way to worry. I didn’t even think of the possibility of living with less worry. I had subconsciously assumed that worry was part of my life. Caregiving equalled worry. I thought that was how I knew I was killing it at my role. I was aware of all things that could possibly happen and then I was proactive at making sure it wouldn’t happen.

Worrying about someone throwing up in my car and doing something to prevent it was just being proactive………. Wasn’t it? 

She told me I was crying all the time because I was worrying about things I couldn’t control and everything stopped. My thoughts, my breath, my tears. I didn’t know if I was going to break down or explode. 

Cancer is uncontrollable. There are no definites and even when the doctors think something will work they aren’t 100% sure. At this point of my life we were still talking about 5 year life expectancies. Five years was a goal for the doctors and it made me angry and scared anytime they mentioned it. 

So living my life caring for a person with cancer meant I was living in a world of uncertainties. I went from believing I had everything under control before my husband was diagnosed to feeling like I never knew what would happen next.

Before his diagnosis I knew what I liked doing for fun. I took for granted that I’d wake up get people off to work and school, go teach yoga, come back home, spend time with my family, go to bed and repeat the next day. I lived comfortably in the security (as false as it could have been) that everything was going the way I wanted it to. Then cancer joined us and all of a sudden everything was out of my control. How could it be possible for me not to worry about things I had no control over when that was now my life?

I asked my doctor to explain because I really needed it to be complicated. There’s no way I could be bad at something that was easy. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, you’re worrying about things you can’t control.

I still couldn’t understand. 

There had to be more. I asked for an example and she told me…

“Worrying about hitting your finger while hammering is valid. Putting a hammer and nail away because you worry you’ll hit your finger… not productive.” 

I went home with that analogy and as I started to analyze my life I realized it was too big of an undertaking. Had I taken the time and had the energy to really do a deep dive I probably wouldn’t have made it through caregiving because I was left with too much and too little information. Looking back now,  I know that I would have quickly realized one important piece of information that is very helpful for me now but would have broken me then…

I have very little real control over my life……………………….

That would have scared the crap out of me at the time. I would have had to face the fact that I had no control over if cancer took my husband from me and I had already dug in to keep him with us so strongly I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I wanted to. 

Unproductive worry isn’t a diagnoses you set up a CaringBridge site for. You don’t create Go fund me pages for someone with unproductive worry. I don’t even think I told more than a couple of people. There were no support groups or PSA’s running on TV and since there really isn’t a pill for it I never saw it advertised in magazines. I felt like I had failed at something stupidly simple and it was embarrassing. 

In true fashion I took on the challenge at being more productive at my worry because, as you now know, I’m comfortable when I feel I have things under control. 

There’s just not enough time to unpack that sentence today but let me just say it again. 

I was trying to get more efficient at worrying. 

I didn’t hear the message from my doctor and go home to figure out how to worry less… I wanted to figure out how to worry better. 

It took some time for me to course correct on that one. ……

In my effort to be more a more effective worrier I found myself asking… can I control this? and that was enough. It actually lifted a little bit of the overwhelm I had been feeling. Anytime I found myself worrying about something I’d ask.. can I control this.

Can I control when my husbands surgery is scheduled for the next day. 

Can I control the weather on the day of surgery?

Can I control how medical professionals receive my proactive advocating for my husband? 

No…

It wasn’t easy and sometimes I have to go back to this even today, over a decade later. 

Overtime I did realize that I cried less. Putting everything I worried about through the test of control helped me become a better caregiver because it made me realize that the things I can control and the decisions I make have an impact not only on myself but also my family and the world I lived in. 

That conversation I had with my doctor when I was just a new caregiver changed the trajectory of that role for me. The changes didn’t happen instantly and sometimes I do still find myself worrying about things I can’t control, however, learning how to catch myself when I’m doing it makes all the difference. Being able to decide what is worth worrying about is one way I am able to love my caregiving life.

Thanks for listening.