Episode 13: Self What?

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I think anyone who has taken care of a person long-term has had many instances where someone has told them that they need to take care of themselves. It depends on where you are on your journey as a caregiver that determines how you actually react to that statement. Sometimes you can see it as a reminder. Caregiving is a long-term deal and you need to be able to make it to the very end and not become someone who needs to be taken care of as well. However, these “reminders” often times create frustration and irritation. Being reminded that you look tired or  you look like crap doesn’t solve anything. Maybe you are a person who takes everything on and really doesn’t take time for yourself and the person reminding you knows that. It still doesn’t feel any better to hear.  

The message is real… right?  Caregivers end up, many times, being the ones who need to be cared for. Yes, many of us suffer from stress related illnesses and diseases. However, the intention of the message and the way we hear and receive it might not be the same. Often times we get that advice when we’re stressed and have been anxious for days, hours, months, years and it's already taken a toll on us.  Sometimes we feel like we are in it on our own trying to take care of somebody. We’re trying to do everything that we need to do to keep it together and then have someone come and tell us that we need to take care of ourselves?!?

Often times, especially if you don't have a plan and don't have any self care experience, you have no idea what it means when someone tells you to take care of yourself.

Then the reaction usually is …

What do you mean take care of myself?

I don’t have time for anything other than taking care of this person here at home. 

How am I supposed to find time for myself in all of this?

It makes you angry, right? It makes you angry that someone has the time to tell you that you have to take care of yourself.  Then you’re usually left with no solution. No tips given on how you’re actually supposed take care of yourself.

No one who will answer… 

What am I supposed to do? 

How am I supposed to figure this out?

I definitely didn’t have the energy to figure it out! Overtime I realized what I was doing wasn't working, especially in the beginning. The way my body reacts to stress and the amount of worry and anxiety that I was experiencing when my husband was first diagnosed continued for a couple of years. It was really painful. I was in this fog just trying to see through it. Focused on the hope that it was going to lift a little. I wasn’t noticing everything that was going on in front of me. I was looking too far forward.

We are all focussed on the future. Wanting to know:

What will the diagnosis be in six months?  

How will it be after the surgery?  

How long will the symptoms last?  

Always looking for a little bit of hope to hold on to. So we let everything for us slide and we begin to feel it when it’s gone on for too long. I think that's why sometimes we got angry and frustrated with someone when they tell us that we need to take care of ourselves. We know that we need to. We just don't understand how and we don't have the energy to figure it out. 

What I learned is that we have a tool that we can use that is always under our control. We never have to stop to use it. It’s with us all the time. It doesn't cost anything - our breath. My breath has to be changed in order to bring me down from whatever I'm going through. So if I find myself really stressed out, really anxious or I'm worrying, I know that I need to step away for a moment. I need to step away and breathe. We breathe all the time without actively breathing. It’s an involuntary response. It’s what we need to do in order to stay alive. 

You can take a moment and just think about what you're doing when you're breathing. I focus on the sound of my breath and how it feels coming in and out through my nose. I could be standing in line at the grocery store. I can be waiting in a doctor’s office. If I can just focus my attention just on my breath and make it a little bit bigger than usual it really helps regulate my mood.

Just a quick moment for myself. That’s what self care looks like for me some days. It doesn’t cost anything. Doesn’t require me to go somewhere and take extra time out of my day (although it could). I feel so much better in the end.

Self care for me means slowing down for a second. It isn’t anything fancy. It’s just giving myself a break the best way I can for that day.

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