Episode 114: Does a Smile Exist if a Caregiver Doesn't See it?

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Transcript

Do the seasons pass you by without you noticing them? Do you find yourself in the middle of summer or at the end of the year and not really know how you got there so quickly? 

This is the first in a series of episodes to talk about not being so busy keeping your loved one alive that you don’t actually really live.

When you’re a caregiver it’s really easy to become hyper focussed on caregiving. There’s just too much for us to do and keep on top of. It doesn’t matter if you feel overwhelmed by caregiving or not there’s always something you are trying to remember for the person you care for. It can be trying to remember when their next doctors appointment is or helping them stay on top of lab work they need to do. It can be trying to find someone to come to the house to help you because moving them from the bed to get the bathroom for a shower is just too much. 

No matter where you ever are in your role as a caregiver it always requires you to do more, remember more, stress out more than you would if you weren’t caring for anyone but yourself. 

What always gets pushed aside by these caregiving worries and tasks are the things that actually matter the most but for some reason aren’t valued by us when we become caregivers. We allow those coffee dates with our friends, the morning walks, the hobbies and crafts we loved to do all take a back seat so we can handle what caregiving throws at us. 

We give up laughing and being playful. Spontaneity feels uncomfortable and just having a regular conversation becomes difficult. Caregiving becomes everything. Everything we think about, everything we talk about, everything we fear and worry about, Everything we hate, Everything we dream about. Caregiving can push who we were away and take over and most times it happens before we even notice it.

So what do you do?

How do you notice your world? How do you get to take a moment to stop and really see the person you care for as the human being you are? How do you actually live and enjoy your life when life is so hard?

How do you allow yourself to be part of the tiny precious moments of your day and not walk right past them?

It’s hard. I’m not going to tell you that being present in every moment is even possible for any of us. I know I always have so many thing going through my mind at any time of the day that it can be difficult for me to be present when it matters. But it isn’t impossible. 

It isn’t impossible to notice that your spouse actually smiled a little when you walked into the room or their face lit up when you suggested you go out for ice cream. 

It isn’t impossible to enjoy the story your mother tells you over and over again because each time you can hear it as if it were the first and can find a different part of it you love more than the last. 

It isn’t impossible for you to notice the tension in your loved ones face on a day that feels hard for both of you. 

These moments don’t have to be missed as often as they are now. But if it’s finally summer or the end of the year and you have no idea how you got there then you’re most likely missing all of those moments. 

It’s not impossible to notice those moments! But you might need a little help to get started. 

Why should you care about this? Everything seems to be going fine. Your loved one is alive. You’re doing everything you can. 

Why should you care about stopping and smelling the roses? 

Here’s the thing… you don’t have to.

You have a handle on the chaos or are at least surviving it. Ok good but I think you might be listening to this episode because you’re at least a little curious about other possibilities. Or maybe you’re looking for hope for something better. To feel better as a caregiver. To enjoy your life with the person you gave up so much to care for. 

And there is… There’s always something more for us. Actually there’s always more for anyone who want’s more in life, caregiver or not. 

However, you might have to be a little more focussed on finding it. You have so much purpose driving you right now. Your why for caregiving is to help the person you care for continue to live with a certain quality of life. 

That should be your why as well. So you can also attain a certain quality of life that you might not feel you are living right now. 

So often do we look for an easier solution to joy and happiness. We buy things, we take things we pretend things are better.  But there are things we can be doing right now, without needing anything extra, to bring a little happiness into our lives. 

Sometimes we just need a reminder and a little help. 

Here are five ways you can learn to notice the little things 

Connect with the outside world.

When my husband comes back home after a surgery I am full on in caregiving mode. I do only what is most important and get as much rest as I can at any time of the day. On the day I step out into the world because I’m taking him to a follow up appointment or I am just getting out of the house for myself it always amazes me how quickly it pulls me out of the fog I had been in.

It’s so easy to fall into tunnel vision when caregiving becomes difficult. It’s very hard to notice when you’re in the middle of it. But for me, when I leave the house it’s like a slap in the face that wakes me up!

When I know life is or is about to become difficult I make sure that I take time at least a couple of times a day checking in with what is happening outside of my house. I actually have some things that I do purposefully set up in front of or near windows. 

You would not believe how many times I’ve been able to come down from being upset about something or find a solution I’d been looking for by simply stopping everything and just looking outside. 

That’s all it is. Stopping and looking outside. Not for just a split second. Don’t just acknowledge that you actually have windows. 

Just get in front of a window or door and look out of it. Notice the building that’s right in front of you or what’s happening in nature around you. Are there leaves on the trees and if so what color are they? Are things growing or are they dying? Are there clouds? What do they look like?

Do this for at least a minute. Aim to try to do this once a day. Maybe you have a window you can look out while drinking coffee in the morning or there’s one right in front of the kitchen sink. 

There is always so much happening outside of where we live and pausing to notice it, even if it's just for a minute, can do you some good. It can interrupt the thought spiral you might be in. It can give you another perspective on something you’ve been stuck in figuring out. 

Just taking a break to simply look outside can be powerful and it’s always available for you. 

In fact if you’re in front of a window right now just pause this and actually look outside. 

Make it a habit to check in with each person in a room when you’re in it.

When I’m approaching burnout I can become distant. Meaning, if I’m walking through a part of my house someone is in, there is potential for me to walk right past them without looking at them or acknowledging them. It’s really easy to get into my head and when there’s a lot going on in there it’s easy for me to not notice what’s going on around me. 

So when I normally would at least look and smile at the person in the room as I walk through or come into the room. I don’t, and it doesn’t feel good. 

When you don’t take the time to check in, even if it’s just visually, there’s a lot you miss. It doesn’t mean you have to follow up with anything if you don’t want to. Just notice them when you walk by then. Maybe you’ll catch each others gaze and share a smile. Or maybe you’ll realize they’re going through something you weren’t aware of. 

We hold so much in that is hard to share. Needing a caregiver and being a caregiver are both difficult and can feel very lonely. So just making that connection with people you are around by simply looking at them is worth it. 

Look at yourself in the mirror

This might be difficult but the next suggestion is to look at your self in the mirror. You might say, I do that every morning when I brush my teeth or before I leave the house. 

That’s not what I’m talking about. 

Stand in front of a mirror and really look at yourself. The first 10-30 seconds will feel like no big deal. But then if you are able to stick around for a whole minute it can get a little difficult to do. Almost everyone I do this exercise with starts to get emotional after 30 secs. You start to really see yourself and sometimes what you see can be shocking to you. Sometime people are able to look at themselves and feel empathy and love for the person they see in the mirror. 

The more you do this the better dialed in you’ll be with what is happening inside. It helps you feel more connected to yourself and over time it will help you be more accepting of yourself which could lead to you really sticking up for the things you need. 

Take one minute to stop and do nothing

Simply stop. Doing nothing can be harder to do than you think. I’m not telling you to sit and breathe. There would be a focus there on breathing. I’m not telling you to sit down and meditate because that’s active too. This also doesn’t mean to sit down and watch tv, or lie down and read a book. 

Stop and do nothing. 

I like to do nothing in a place I don’t usually do nothing in. So I would do nothing in my bed or on the sofa or a place I’d go to rest or watch tv. I would maybe pick sitting in the middle of a stairway at home. Or lying down on the floor in the hall. 

Just stop and do nothing.

Try to do it for a minute at first if you can. 

You’re going to want to do something and I urge you to not do anything.

Don’t …

• Write those lists in your head.
• Replay a conversation in your head.
• Sing a song or tap a rhythm with your fingers.

Don’t put anything on to listen to or watch. 
Just be… See how it works for you. Give it a chance. Things can get loud in your head at first but if you give it just a minute or two it might quiet down and in the end you could feel so much more calmer than when you started. 

Just like anything else I suggest remember not everything is going to be your thing but you won’t know until you try it a few times. So give it a chance.

Make Yourself Accountable

You can do any and all of the things I just described but the most important part of this process is to hold yourself accountable. 

Trying to do something new can be difficult to do. Not because the actual activity is difficult but because it’s easy to forget to do something you planned on doing. And I get it. You forget to do something tomorrow and say you’ll do it the next day but you don’t. Then you keep saying tomorrow until you realize it’s just not working and leaving it for tomorrow is actual using more energy than it’s worth so you give up altogether. 

I find the easiest way to hold myself accountable is to set an alert on my phone. You can just set up an alarm that says stop and look outside at a specific time of the day. You can also put a post it note on a mirror or a window as a reminder. Do anything that will help you remember. There can be some resistance in the beginning. You can find yourself making up reasons to not do any of these things that sound great to you now but maybe feel useless later. 

Sure it’s just looking out a window, at a mirror, paying attention to a loved one for a few seconds or doing absolutely nothing. But if they are so easy and seem trivial why not try them? 

If looking out a window for a couple of minutes doesn’t sound like it will do anything then fine… do it. You won’t be losing anything if you do. 

We place a lot of value on the things that cost something or seem difficult or complicated to do. 

You’re living a life of difficult and complicated. Why not try something easy for a change and give yourself the opportunity to stop and take notice of the world you’re living in? 

Why not give yourself these few moments in a day to just be. To slow down. To give yourself to check in with yourself and the people around you. 

We spend so much time in a hurry to move forward. Always so focussed on what’s going to happen tomorrow, that we are constantly missing the present. 

Finding a way to pull yourself out of caregiving and interacting with your surroundings as just you is what we all need to do. Let’s not miss anymore smiles.

Thanks for listening

Don't forget to download your free issue of Caregiving Confessions here!