Episode 138: Why Caregivers Have Problems With Gratitude and Why You Shouldn't Feel Forced to be Grateful

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Transcript

Sometimes people come to you to talk about the practice of gratitude with the energy of a pyramid scheme salesman. Full of the energy and promise they believe it has and the drive to save you from your caregiving unhappiness. As they try to explain to you why you need to be grateful and not read the facial cues you're giving them, as you try not to punch them in the throat or at least turnaround and walk away as they’re in mid-sentence, you find yourself increasingly angry. All you can think of is - where were you when I actually needed you? I have nothing to be grateful for right now because you aren’t helping me find a way to actually take a break! Why not use this energy to do something that will actually HELP me right now? 

Let’s talk about the problem with thankfulness and gratitude for caregivers.

Usually, the topic of gratitude pops up when life is already too difficult for you to handle as a caregiver.  Usually, around the holidays the gratitude message becomes really strong and you can feel like you’re surrounded by it. You’ll see it in holiday commercials, on social media, and in almost any conversation you find yourself in. Or worse yet… the awkward gratitude circle your family always forms right before you’re allowed to eat. 

Now feeling like you’re being forced to find something to be happy about undoes any good that gratitude can bring you.

Next week I’ll talk about why gratitude and thankfulness could be a great way to find more positivity in your life but today I want to tell you… it’s ok if you feel you have nothing to be thankful for or if the thought of gratitude makes you feel angry… or frankly lonely and misunderstood. 

Most times people will talk to a caregiver about gratitude because they really think they are giving them advice that will help them. Or maybe they just read something about gratitude and it made them think of you because they too are surrounded by the message that they should be thankful. 

However, if things have been really difficult for you, a conversation about gratitude might not be the best way for you to spend your time right now. 

Caregiving is almost always misunderstood by anyone who has never been a caregiver. We know this. The people in our lives might think they get what we do, but we know they don’t. So it isn’t surprising if someone you know tells you about gratitude and doesn’t understand why you aren’t interested in hearing about it. They might even get upset that you didn’t thank them profusely for helping you see the way towards caregiver happiness as if they expected the light in your eyes to come back and see all the moments of stress and anxiety that you’ve been carrying just fall from you. Ok… that might be a bit of an exaggeration but we all know THAT person, don’t we?

We’ll get into the topic of gratitude next week but for today when I speak of gratitude or thankfulness I am speaking about the act of thinking of something you feel thankful for in a way that will slowly bring more positivity into your life. Actively being thankful or grateful for something shows you that not everything is bad. 

Not wanting to participate in a moment like that is understandable and you can have many reasons to not want to. Maybe you’re currently angry with the world because everyone wants you to be happy when you don’t feel they give a crap about how you feel or what you need. The conversations they want to have with you about being grateful misses the mark because they otherwise don’t seem to care about how you're feeling or how they can help you be happier in general.  

I personally hate being told I should be doing something. It’s just my nature. And when it comes from something or someone that doesn’t really know me it drives me crazy. So I get it… if an app on my phone tells me I need to take a mindfulness break at the wrong moment I’m ready to throw it out the window even though taking a mindfulness break is something I do all the time. Your resistance to being grateful can come from the way you’re talked to about it, the timing of that conversation, and the emotional state you’re in at the time. 

If you’re finding yourself irritated with hearing about being thankful because you can’t remember the last time you had the opportunity to do something for yourself but wonder if that makes you a bad person… stop. It doesn’t. 

Not finding a thing to be thankful for is not a reflection of who you are but simply a sign of what you are going through. The last thing you need is another thing to be upset about. I get it… when you hear about gratitude the messaging almost seems to have an underlying message that says you should be ashamed if you can’t find a way to be grateful for something. 

So what does that do? It makes you hide the fact that the existence of the gratitude message makes you feel like crap and it becomes a bigger issue because you can’t tell someone how you feel about gratitude right now because you worry you’ll be misunderstood. 

You keep it to yourself. Start wondering what’s wrong with you and the more you try to hide it the more you notice the gratitude messaging as if it’s the world's mission to beat it into you. 

So now not only do you feel angry and worried… you also feel misunderstood and lonely. 

All you want is to be able to tell someone why you aren’t grateful so they can actually see, at least, a partial picture of the life you’re living. 

It just keeps growing into something you have no time or energy for. 

Don’t let not being grateful make you feel worse than you already do.  You have a right to what you are feeling. 

You might find yourself looking for ways to make how you’re feeling… smaller.  You might start to minimize the gravity of the things you’re going through at the moment. Maybe you just had a conversation about how hospice is in the near future for your loved one. Or you simply don’t think you can help your parent on your own anymore. Possibly you feel this has been the worst year of your life and you don’t need someone with a cheesy smile asking you what you’re grateful for. 

Aren’t they a big reason why the topic of gratitude upsets you? 

Let’s face it… if Aunt Mary hasn’t reached out to you to EVER to see if there is a way she can help you take care of your mom but she finds it’s acceptable to come to you at family dinner and ask you what you're grateful for… or worse yet wants to teach you how to be grateful or at least share with you the importance of gratitude, it can be infuriating. 

It isn’t a genuine conversation so it might not even be the topic but the simple fact that you just want to point out that if they were so concerned about your happiness they should be showing up to help do the real work.

Can feel like everything you are currently going through or the things you’ve had to endure the entire year are being minimized when someone tells you you should be grateful. 

In this case, the problem isn’t gratitude… it’s the fact that you can’t stand people acting like they are looking out for you when they really aren’t.

Gratitude can’t be forced. It has to be genuine. If you aren’t really grateful for something you can’t force it. You might find yourself saying you're thankful for something because you feel forced to do it but you realize it just makes you feel more misunderstood or angry when you do. That isn’t how being grateful is supposed to feel so don’t take that as an indication of what you would expect if you were to try it as an ongoing thing. Just like saying “I Love You” when you don’t mean it or “Of course, that dress looks good on you” when it doesn’t, don’t cause any warm and fuzzy feelings neither will telling someone you're grateful for something just to get them to leave you alone or to avoid criticism.

There is another reason why the topic of gratitude can rub you the wrong way. It can really point out how tired of feeling unhappy you really are. You realize that you can’t find something to be grateful for because you are really unhappy and don’t know how to change that but really wish you could. Feeling this way can be scary and if this is the case I really want you to know it is worth it to talk to someone about it… especially if you have been feeling this way for a while or you are really worried about yourself. Find someone to talk to. 

Look, caregiving is hard and a lot of us put the things we need on the back burner. We’ve all found reasons not to go to our own doctor’s appointments or tell ourselves we’ll have those tests done when we find the time to. I know you know that isn’t a healthy thing to do. 

Being unhappy is not a requirement of caregiving and we all deserve to enjoy our lives. That doesn’t mean caregiving gets easier it just means we refuse to live our lives waiting for the right time or for permission to enjoy parts of our day. 

If your unhappiness is beginning to worry you then it’s time to speak to someone about it. A friend or family member who you trust will be able to listen and help. A person in your community you trust like a religious leader or your doctor. Or maybe you join a caregiver support group or reach out to a mentor. Maybe you need more support than that and you finally make that appointment with that therapist you googled last month. 

If the thought of finding something to be grateful for makes you feel sadder then it’s time to let someone know how you’re feeling. 

In the end… your reaction to the idea of gratitude or thankfulness can be a positive thing. If it points out something you really need in your life right now… like more support from others or highlighting the need to reach out and speak to someone about how you’re feeling then you can begin to advocate for the caregiving support you need. 

Just remember… not wanting to be grateful for anything doesn’t make you a bad person. It just tells you there is something you need more right now. 

Does gratitude work? Yes. But only if you’re ready. 

If you are interested in what gratitude can do for you listen in next week as I’ll talk about how gratitude can have a positive effect on your life and what it even means to be grateful. 

Please take care of yourselves this week. 

Thanks for listening