Episode 100: Why National Caregivers Day is Insulting

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Transcript

Last week was National Caregivers Day and it pissed me off. 

Let’s get right into it. 

Let’s talk about why perforative support doesn’t mean crap.

Alright, put on your seatbelts for this one because the ride is going to be a little bumpy and I can’t promise the language will be clean.

Friday February 18th was National Caregivers Day. The more I saw posts and email come through announcing it was National Caregivers Day I was increasingly annoyed and then at one point got completely pissed off. 

So I took a few moments with that emotion, stopped myself from lashing out on social media, and asked myself why? Why did it bother me so much?

Shouldn’t I be happy that there is a day to celebrate caregivers? Isn’t recognition and awareness important? Of course recognition and awareness is important and if one of those posts made a caregiver actually feel good about caregiving for a moment that’s awesome. However, that fact didn’t help me see the good in having a day of appreciation made for us.

It actually made me angrier. I mean, I never really pay attention to national days unless it’s something like national pizza day because then it gives me an excuse to buy a pizza for dinner. National donut day because they’re almost always on sale because of it. But I can’t be the only one that does that which made me wonder… how do these national days exist?

So I did a little research to make sure my anger and disappointment was based on fact. 

What I found didn’t help much. 

In 2015 an organization called the Providers Association for Home Health and Hospice Agencies (PAHHHA) founded National Caregivers Day and it was first celebrated in 2016. It falls on the third Friday of February. 

The official purpose of National Caregivers Day is to honor individuals who selflessly provide personal care, and physical - emotional support to those who need it most. If you are a caregiver that means you.

After figuring out how this day even exists I wanted to know - “How does a day become observed for something specific?” Here’s how… you file a request to Rowman and Littlefield an independent publisher that creates a catalogue called Chase’s Calendar of Events or you can submit a request to National Today a website created by a marketing agency that had begin as a fun side project turn into a large website. 

Let me tell you what else is celebrated on National Caregiver Day. It shares the day with…

  1. Pluto Day
  2. Thumb Appreciation Day
  3. National Battery Day
  4. National Drink Wine Day (which I think I’ll be doing after this)

And! National Crab Stuffed Flounder Day

To put things in perspective in two days, on February 20 it will officially be Hoodie Hoo Day.

National Hoodie Hoo Day… that makes me feel so special that there is a National Caregivers Day. 

Now I’m not hating on the existence of it. Someone 8 years ago thought it would be a really great idea to have a day to celebrate caregivers. They applied for and were granted a day. Along with other special observances like National Nothing Day and National Meow Like A Pirate Day. 

Then I looked back at all of the posts to see if maybe there was just something that I was missing or misinterpreting in the message that was flooding my social media accounts that day. Some organizations thanked caregivers for all that they do. They sent love out to all the caregivers. Told caregivers how awesome they are. Others suggested for people to reach out to the caregivers in their lives to check in on them. Some focussed on healthcare workers, other’s home health caregivers and others unpaid family caregivers. Which by the way we get a whole month in November. 

Only a couple accounts actually gave non caregivers actionable steps to help the caregivers in their lives. 

Everyone was quick to put up the thanks you’s and atta boys and you’re the unsung heros of our communities. 

How did that help you? How did National Caregiver Day help you? 

Here’s why this day angers me.

First of all… why the hell should we be happy to get a day?

Do you know what they do on National Talk Like A Pirate Day? They go to parties and make YouTube videos where they talk like pirates. Now if I weren’t so angry I’d laugh about it because it sounds like fun. 

But, caregiving day is lumped in there with days like this. So we shouldn’t feel appreciative that we have this one day to celebrate us. For people to notice us. It’s a load of crap. And I get it, I know why everyone is posting about it. It’s on their calendars and it speaks to who they want to help. What I’m saying is… that isn’t helping and a lot of it is disingenuous performative posting. 

It doesn’t help you that one day is National Caregiving Day. It doesn’t make your role any easier and it doesn’t make you any happier. 

Want to know part of why you aren’t happy as a caregiver? No one cares! The people around you, your government, the doctors, they don’t care about caregiving until they become a caregiver. No one understands what you do because they aren’t interested in learning about it. If the people in your life and in the societies you live in valued caregiving then I wouldn’t need to have a podcast about caregiving! There’d be no need for me to be a caregiver coach. I would be helping you in some other way but not in helping you love your life because you’d already be doing it!

If you had governmental support you would be getting paid to be a caregiver. You would be given tax breaks and there would be better options for elder care. In the health care setting doctors would make you part of your loved one’s team. You would be consulted at visits and what you have to say would hold more weight. 

If caregiving had better social status everyone would want to help because it would make them feel good about themselves. Family members would be proud to tell everyone that they have a caregiver in the family. The same feeling you know people feel when they find out someone it a doctor or a pastor or I don’t know a professional football player. I mean all of those hold some serious social value but only depending on the societies you live in and the belief systems of those societies. 

So let’s just imagine that in your world knowing a professional football player is a big deal. You hear that they need help. You are able to help them and you feel excited and honored to do it. You tell other people you were able to help ( I mean even if it’s a humble brag it’s still going to happen) and you are proud you were able to. Not only that but you let them know you could help them at any time and after leaving them start thinking up ways of showing up for them. 

That!!! That is what it should be like for caregivers everywhere. But it not. 

The real reason why people don’t help you as much as you’d like? There’s no social value. It doesn’t make them feel special to help you. They have to actually care to help or have social pressure to help and since they have neither that’s why they don’t show up to help shovel your driveway when it’s snowed 2 feet. There’s nothing in it for them.

But that’s alright you have national caregivers day. You should feel special about that!

Here’s the deal… National Caregivers Day pisses me off because it’s insulting. 

It’s insulting to have a day that everyone thinks they can thank us for being us, or show us support in putting out a post. 

It’s insulting to think that one post is meant to catch the attention of a non caregiver and will get them to understand everything caregiving means to you and everything you need help with.

It’s insulting that there is a vague message associated with the day that we ‘caregivers’ should be appreciative that we have a day for people to thank us for what we do. Doesn’t that make you angry? Someone actually had to go to a fair amount of trouble to get this to be a day. People have put a lot of time and energy to write articles, blog and social media posts when that energy could be used to make an actual difference to caregivers. 

You get a day of thank you’s. Be happy. 

Of course there are some people out there that really care and are doing what they think is best to help caregivers. They posted about the day because it made sense. It was a continuation of the message they share all the time. However, in large part it felt like it was being done because it was the thing to do.

The one thing that angers me the most is, this is supposed to be enough. 

Someone can post a picture of a caregiver in their life and thank them for all that they do and then feel good about themselves. All of these posts go out on a Friday and then that’s it. 

We don’t need a freaking day!

We need people to take what we do seriously. 

Don’t tell me how important you think caregivers are. 

Don’t tell people how invaluable, we are. 

Show it!

Show up!

Talk is crap! 

You shouldn’t be happy when people say how important they think your caregiving is. You should be happy when they actually do something to show that they are. 

And I’m not talking about this crappy caregiver wishlists that are out there this week. Just in case you didn’t know… what people area saying you really want someone to do is

  •  give you a spa day
  •  Books
  •  Gift cards to your favorite store
  •  Hand lotion
  •  Candles
  •  Donation to a worthy cause in your name.

If that list were part of something that was focussed on how to help a caregiver find time for self-care, it would be spot on. I like that list for that focus.

That means all of these people are missing the point. You don’t need caregivers day in order for people to recognize you need a freaking candle! 

National caregivers day should be part of a plan to get your community to understand that you need help and support and you aren’t getting it!  The list should be …

  •  gift cards for meal and grocery delivery 
  •  A month of maid service
  •  Finding a way to outsource laundry especially bedding for caregivers who care for their parents. 
  •  Pooling together money for lawn service and snow removal. 
  •  A schedule for someone to sit in the house for a few hours so the caregiver can get out of the house or simply take a good shower and sleep. 

You see the difference? Their list is a list of things that will make someone feel good about buying it. Make them feel good to give it. My list is work and not fun but exactly what you probably need.

I don’t like leaving you without a solution to the problem at hand. 

So here it is.

The real solution for all caregivers would be to have people work harder at advocating for us at the community and national level so that not only do we have financial support but we also have the support of our communities and along with that would come more services to make out lives easier. 

That isn’t my path. I’m not here to do that work, right now.

My purpose is to help you find your way to love your life in spite of all of this crap because caregiving should not be something you suffer through. Is there suffering, yes. As in all of life there is suffering and hardship. That doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy it as well. 

My purpose is to tell you that you have to take your happiness on alone. It can’t be dependent on if other people help. You can’t wait for your family and friends to finally understand what you are going through and what you need. 

You have to take control of your own happiness. 

You need to tell the people in your life what you are going through and exactly what you need. You need to make yourself a team of people you can depend on so you can start to take time for yourself. 

You aren’t going to wait for permission to take breaks you’re just going to take them. 

You are going to own your caregiving life and finally give yourself the permission to make yourself a priority.

I’m here to help you do that. That is my purpose. I am a caregiver. I know how difficult it is to navigate through caregiving and how easy it is to give up on yourself. I’m here to say you deserve more. So let’s find out what that means together.

Love your life in spite of caregiving. 

Thanks for listening.


 

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