Episode 109: The Clarity That Comes From Accepting vs Just Knowing You're a Caregiver

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Transcript

When caregivers find it difficult to find ways to enjoy their lives one of the biggest issues I find they have is the fact that even though they know they are caring for someone they haven’t accepted that they aren’t the people they once were. 

Let’s talk about wether or not you’ve accepted your caregiving life. 

Why don’t we start off with what a caregiver actually is. A caregiver is anyone who provides care for another person. They support people in need and help with activities of daily living. That means if you help get someone to doctor’s appointments and treatments, make sure they have meals to eat, help them bathe, make sure they get their medicine, coordinate the care that comes into the house for them and the millions of other things one can do to support a loved one… then you are a caregiver.

Caregivers are formal or informal. Formal caregivers get paid for their services and oftentimes aren’t related to the people they care for. Informal caregivers don’t get paid for their services and most often are family caregivers. They’re people who care for someone they are related to or know. 

If you’re listening to this right now you are most likely an informal caregiver and caring for a family member or friend. If so, and you live in the United States, you are one of the 65.7 million informal caregivers in this country. Surprisingly a recent study found that an estimate 1.3 million children between the ages of 8-18 care for an adult relative. (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/caregiving/being-a-caregiver)

Why does that matter? Other than letting you know you are certainly not alone in living with the complexities of caregiving it’s important for you to fully understand how important your role is and know if you’ve accepted it.

You could be thinking… I really don’t do much so I don’t think I qualify. It really frustrates me when people who are clearly caregivers feel they don’t deserve to call themselves as such. If you care for a person in any capacity you are a caregiver and you should consider that as a role you now have no matter how demanding it may or may not feel for you right now. 

When I hear these types of conversations it feels very similar to the stay at home vs working mom debate. Each side has their own insecurities and claim to have it worse than the other. Some people who care for a loved one but work full time don’t feel they can call themselves caregivers because they didn’t give up their jobs to be home with them 24/7. Or maybe they care for an elder family member but don’t live with them. However, they are caregivers just the same as a person who lives with the person they care for and doesn’t work outside the home. 

Working outside of the home while caring for another person who needs your care no matter how much of it they need at anytime makes you a caregiver. In fact, min order to pay for their medical needs you may have to work. So many people have to make the hard decision on wether or not they can afford to keep their jobs or leave them is based on the health insurance they need to cover their loved one’s medical care. Not all caregivers can stay at home. 

However, many caregivers don’t work and are at home full time to care for their loved one. Maybe the single wage earner of the household is the one who became ill or disabled and lost their job or had to leave it. Or maybe you were a young adult just starting out your life when a parent or elder family member became ill and you put off starting your life and getting a job to help take care of them. 

No matter what your situation you are in if you care for someone who needs help and support you are a caregiver. 

Some people feel they can’t call themselves a caregiver because their loved one doesn’t need their care all the time. Sometimes people are able to live with a disease or disability but still need the support of someone else especially when they have regularly scheduled medical appointments or treatments. Many times these caregiving relationships go through a lot of highs and lows because maybe every 3-6 months they could find themselves back into a high stress caregiving role instead of a more laid back one if their loved one were to find their health had deteriorated or need new surgery or treatments. 

Some people don’t think they’re caregivers because they would care for their loved one no matter what. Parent’s of disable children and children with special needs are caregivers. Just because they would still parent and care for their children doesn’t invalidate the extra care they need to give their child long term. 

Parents or loved ones who care for a family member that has a mental illness are also caregivers. The support and care they need may be different than that of a person who has a cancer or a physical disability but your caregiving role is just as important. 

So stop for a moment and ask yourself this… do you care for someone and help them do things an abled bodied person could do on their own? It doesn’t matter how much or how little.  

If you do… do you consider yourself a caregiver?
If you do consider yourself a caregiver do you live as one? 

You see we don’t ever really have a warning when we are just about to become a caregiver. When a person becomes a caregiver it usually happens unexpectedly and little time is given for them to come to an understanding on how their lives will change.

Did anyone give you the chance to say good bye to your pre caregiver life? Did you talk with someone who broke down what caregiving would mean for you, what the responsibility of the role would be and how your life would be expected to change? 

Probably not…

You probably did what we all have done in some way… you tried to figure it out as you went along and often times that means you stumbled through life trying to keep up with what you needed to do to figure things out. 

So yes you know you are a caregiver and I think a big difference between loving your life as a caregiver and just trying to get through life is if you have accepted that you’re a caregiver. Have you accepted that you are no longer living a caregiver free life? Maybe you know you aren’t but accepting and knowing are two different things. Here’s why. When you know you’re a caregiver to a person who is bed bound you can find yourself hating your life because you are “stuck” at home. If you’ve accepted your life as a caregiver you find yourself missing the ability to leave the house with your loved one but you understand that isn’t the life you live anymore and even though it makes you sad sometime you completely understand this is the way life is right now. 

Same situation, different mindset. One person is struggling to fit her circumstances into the qualifications of what were marks of having a good life pre caregiver and another who has accepted that their life has changed and no longer equates it to how things used to be but rather how things are now. 

If you continually think of how horrible your life is because you are stuck at home caring for a person and your life sucks because you can’t do all the things you used to do before then odds are you haven’t really accepted that your life has changed and you’re trying to fulfill life goals that aren’t aligned with the life you are currently living. 

If you feel caregiving is difficult and find yourself overwhelmed with it all but know that the reason why you are a caregiver is your motivation to continue to find ways to enjoy your life with that person, you’ve accepted your role and have re-written the story of who you believe you are. 

It’s difficult to change how you identify when it doesn’t feel like It’s your choice in the first place. Giving up big parts of your life, dreams you had for your future and the ability to feel free in life can cause resentment, sadness and anger. You deserve to feel that way, there’s nothing wrong with it. You are suffering the loss of your past self and the plans you thought your future would hold. Loss needs to be processed. If you haven’t had a chance to say good bye to who you once were, it’s hard to say hello to the person you’ve become. 

When you get trapped in that pain caregiving can feel like a burden. You get increasingly overwhelmed and burnout. It’s then easy to allow yourself to fall into being a martyr - which does no one any good. You continually try to live a non caregiving life with a caregiving role and you become bitter. You begin to hate your life and you don’t make life for the person you care for any better.

Someone who has accepted their caregiving role still has hardships. They still find caregiving difficult but they are able to take it on because they understand it is a new role they are responsible for. They know it isn’t fair. Not for them or the person who needs their help. They know that they will miss the life they used to have and the dreams they have for the future. Yet they are able to pivot and find a way to change their goals and dreams for the future. They still find themselves overwhelmed, angry and resentful at times. They let themselves feel and then they go back to what they know is important… caring for a person they love. 

If you feel caregiving is something that was done to you it will be very difficult for you to find ways to start to enjoy your life again because it won’t take you back to the life you had before you became a caregiver. However, if you can find a way to accept that you’re a caregiver and that your life goals need to change it is possible. 

I’m not saying you don’t know you’re a caregiver. You know that. Why else would you be listening to a caregiving podcasts? What I’m saying is knowing you’re a caregiver and accepting it are two different things and the difference really results in how much you’re able to enjoy your life. 

If you really dislike your life right now and feel caregiving is responsible for that then it might not be easy for you to ask yourself… are you willing to try something new? 

Would you be able to try to rewrite the story you’re living? Or would you be willing to really sit down and ask yourself why you’re a caregiver? Is it because of your love for the person you care for? Is it out of obligation? Knowing why is an important part of accepting the role and maybe your why is different now then it was before but knowing why you’re a a caregiver helps you get through the difficult days. 

So if you care for someone in any capacity and can accept that you are a caregiver and all that changes in your life because of it you can certainly find ways to bring joy into your life and learn to love life as a caregiver. You can find ways to enjoy life with the person you care for and enjoy their company and connection. You can find resilience and healthy ways to manage the stress and overwhelm of caregiving. 

Acceptance of your caregiving role doesn’t make the hard parts disappear. There is still fear and sadness. You still find yourself angry that this has happened to you and your family. You still experience loss and the fear of loss. However, in between those moments you have the ability to find happiness and feel love. You’re able to sleep at night and enjoy time with the person you care for. You experience both the hardship of caregiving and are able to love life at the same time. That is why accepting your caregiving role is so important. 

If you need help accepting your role as caregiver or you would like to have more of a discussion about this please feel free to Send me a message make sure to download the free issue of caregiving confessions.