Episode 99: Self-Acceptance for Caregivers

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Transcript

My Love,

Life has been rough. Yesterday I had a day of doctors appointments and long drives to get my husband to his bi-yearly scans. I was really exhausted at the end of the day. I sat down in bed and wanted to turn on the TV but my mind was filled with worry and doubt. This isn’t the life I thought I’d be living right now. I always had this picture in my head of life being happy and carefree and it is anything but that. It took everything for me not to curl up and fall asleep crying. 

Then everything became focussed and clear. I instantly realized that I was in my bed, fairly comfortable and warm and that I had actually made it through the day. You kept me going and didn’t let me go. You had the strength to carry me through difficult moments. You still accepted me when I neglected you. You always show up even when I don’t give you the attention you deserve or even care for you the way I should. 

What would I do if you weren’t here for me? How would I live? How could I laugh and cry. How could I care for my husband without your support? How could I enjoy life without you? You give me access to all the possibilities of life. 

Your strength guides me through moments that take my breath away in despair. Your breath fills my lungs without fail. Your compassion and ability to empathize with others allows me to continue to care for my husband when I don’t think I can. 

I love you with all of my heart. I love you with all of our heart. 

Let’s talk about writing yourself a love letter. 

A few episodes back I focussed on how writing a love letter to the person you care for can really help you with remembering why you are a caregiver. I’ll share the link to that episode in the show notes. 

I think it’s equally, if not more, important to write one for yourself. In fact I think it would help to do this before writing a letter to anyone else because if you can’t show love for yourself it is equally difficult to express your love for others. I also think that caregivers don’t show love for themselves as much as they should. 

I hear you when you think, I’m fine. I don’t need to go through a process to love myself. I have no time to spend time I don’t have on something as frivolous as writing myself a love letter. 

So maybe you don’t call it a love letter. Maybe it’s your pep talk to yourself. However you want to think of it - this is everything you need to hear on the days you need to hear it. 

Now if you’re listening to this in February I completely understand that even the words Love Letter can be triggering. This is a really rough month for you is you are a spousal caregiver and find that valentines day just puts a spotlight on what is not going right in your life or in your relationship. 

But this isn’t about you and someone else. This is about your relationship to yourself. 

I find it interesting how caregivers can go out of their way to do things for the person they care for that they don’t also do for themselves. You can be so supportive of your loved one that you’ll sleep in a hospital chair so they have your company at a very difficult time for themselves. You make sure they have meals when you’re really too exhausted to think about food. You will wake up in the middle of the night to check on them or give them medicine leaving you with very little sleep to get you through the next day. You’ll make sure they are cared for from diaper changing, bathing, and making sure they have clean clothes on without a second thought. 

Think about it, do you do all of that for your loved one but not for yourself?

Do you have days when you don’t make sure you eat regularly or at all? Do you put aside scheduling your own doctor’s appointments or taking medications you really should be taking. Maybe you find yourself wearing what started out as pajamas days ago and you’re still wearing them. No time for showers, baths are completely out of the question and just sitting to enjoy a cup of coffee or a phone call with a friend never come up. 

What do you deny yourself but make sure to provide it for your loved one?

By nature most caregivers are giving people. Selfless and ready to serve the people they love. But giving and selflessness do not make self care and prioritizing yourself something you shouldn’t do. In fact if you don’t do things for yourself your ability to care for others will be short lived. You love the person you care for. When days are rough you give up doing things for yourself in order to keep up with what they need but what they need, what they won’t be able to go without… is you. How you care for them affects their lives, usually for the better. When you keep giving and don’t put yourself higher on the list you begin to feel more resentful than usual, you start to do things out of obligation instead of love and the two of you stop enjoying being around each other. 

We push our needs to the side in order to be caregivers but in denying ourselves the compassion we give to the people we care for we become bitter, our health begins to decline and in time find ourselves unable to actually care for our loved ones. 

We not only deserve to care for ourselves but it is a requirement. However, that means that we have to take a hard look at what is going on with us. We need to pay attention to the emotions we’re struggling with and what do we need to do to support our own health. I know that when things aren’t really going well in your life that is a difficult thing to do. It requires you to accept yourself and where you are in life and that usually isn’t where you expected to be right now. Maybe you’re struggling with self confidence and putting yourself first is a really big step. Many of us don’t feel understood, seen or valued by the people in our lives. It could be possible that you don’t feel loved by the person you’re caring for. 

So I understand how difficult it can be for some of you to care for yourself and how maddening it can be to hear that message over and over again because it actually means more. It’s not as easy as heading to a yoga class or getting a massage. Sure if they are part of a plan they will do what they’re meant to if they are part of a plan you created for yourself. Making that plan is what feels impossible when you can’t see the value in attending to your own needs. 

Being able to see that you are worth the effort required to learn how to care for yourself is the first step. Without understanding your own value and worth and learning to love yourself a little more, prioritizing yourself will feel impossible.  

So let’s start at the beginning. Just one little act of kindness towards yourself. Because this isn’t feeling love from other people. This is about loving yourself in spite of how other people feel about you. It’s not selfish to work on accepting and loving yourself. It is a good first step towards valuing yourself and making yourself a priority. Once you are able to being to do that caregiving becomes less overwhelming. It won’t cure your husband but it will allow you to enjoy him in your life. It will allow you to respond to things instead of react to them. You’ll find it easier to live in the present instead of worrying about when will happen in the future or continually relive what happened in the past. 

Love yourself for all that you do. Marvel at how strong you are and the beauty of your compassion. 

A love letter is what you need in order to be reminded of how valuable you are, how much of a difference you make in the world and how lucky the world is to have you in it. 

It’s what you need to be able to pull out and read on the days everything feels too hard. When you feel small and broken down. 

So write that letter. It doesn’t have to be more than a few sentences. If that feels like too much maybe just a sentence. Consider starting with something simple like - “You’re awesome, keep going!” 

Let the idea sit in your head for a couple of days. Create it in your head and write it down when you feel ready. 

It might seem silly to do. It might sound like a good idea in theory, you may make a mental note to do it and forget about it 15 minutes from now. Or you will commit to doing it and be surprised at what happens when you do. 

Either way, let me know. Let me know if you need help, I’d love to help you put this together. If you do it and it works I’d love to hear. You can email any time. If you already get my newsletter simply respond. If you don’t you can send me a message from my website or on Instagram. 

Writing this letter to yourself might end up being more transformational than you can imagine. Sure it might bring you to tears.I see nothing wrong in that. It could also feel really difficult to do. Your life is complicated so it wouldn’t surprise me if it felt hard to take time to just tell yourself what you think you already know. Believe me writing something down on paper or in your phone changes things. Taking a thought and writing it down gives it more weight, more importance. 

So if you're ready get to taking that first step towards loving your caregiving life. 

Thanks for listening

Thank you for listening to and supporting the podcast. If you enjoyed today’s show, please share it with someone who might benefit from listening to it.

I would be extremely grateful if you would consider taking a minute to leave an honest review and rating for the show in iTunes. They’re helpful when it comes to reaching other caregivers and I read each and every one of them personally!