Episode 110: How to Know if You're Ready to Enjoy Your Life as a Caregiver
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Transcript
People talk about caregivers like we’re all the same person. When people mention us, especially if they don’t have first hand experiences as a caregiver or from working with caregivers you get the idea that they think everything for caregivers should be one size fits all.
Let’s talk about how although our needs are similar not any two of the 62 million caregivers in the US are ever the same and how understanding what phase of caregiving you’re in is important.
Caregivers are all in different places in terms of how difficult their caregiving is. We are all caregivers for different reasons. Caregiving for a person with cancer is different than caring for a person with Dementia. The age we become a caregiver and the relationship we have with he person we care for makes our experiences different. Even the way you approach life makes your caregiving experience unique.
However, as difficult and as distinctly different caregiving is for each one of us we all understand how each other feels. We have the same worries and fears. We all scan relate and understand each other. We hold the same pain. Loss and the anticipation of loss causes us to see the world differently than people who don’t know caregiving.
We have our commonalities but we can’t easily be lumped into one category of people.
We have similar needs. We need to accept that we are caregivers. We need support from family and friends. We need to be valued as a contributing member of our loved one’s care team. We need a care team of our own. We need to learn how to make ourselves a priority so that we can continue to care for our loved one long term and love our lives while doing it. We need to find ways to stay connected to the person we care for. These are some of the universal needs of caregivers. No matter if you’ve just become a caregiver or have been one for years these are important to have and will shape your ability to enjoy life.
One of the many things that separates us is how we approach life as a caregiver. Knowing where you are always helps you get to where you’re going. So I wonder which one of these describes you.
What I find, when working with caregivers, is the level of support they feel they have and the amount of time they are able to dedicate to themselves affects their ability to care for their loved one and how much they are able to enjoy their lives as caregivers. My job is to get caregivers like you, past the roadblocks that are stopping you from fully realizing a life you love as a caregiver who feels in charge and supported.
You’ll most likely fall somewhere in between two different categories so don’t feel disappointed if you don’t fit in one perfectly. It almost never happens. However, if you understand how you feel about your life as a caregiver right now it can help you realize there is more for you and give you a reason to look for how to get there.
The first type of caregiver makes me the most sad to see. I almost never get to talk to someone in this category because what I do isn’t relevant to them. This probably isn’t you because you’re listening to this podcast which means you have some awareness of your needs as a caregiver.
This type of caregiver is very unhappy with their lives. They don’t want to be caregivers. They haven’t heard of or don’t understand what caring for themselves and self-care is or means. They might not know any other caregivers or understand that they aren’t alone in what they are feeling and what they need in order to be a long term caregiver. If this caregiver doesn’t learn the importance of caring for themselves they are at high risk of developing stress related disease like heart disease and diabetes.
If you ever meet a caregiver in this stage… please give them a hug. We all need that hug but I always just want to hug a person like this a little longer because they actually don’t realize they don’t have to suffer through life.
It’s not impossible for a caregiver to move out of this stage but in order for them to do that they have to become aware that there are opportunities to change their lives and be willing to learn about them and try to make small changes over time. When that happens they’ll find themselves moving into the next phase.
It’s possible that you used to or maybe still do find yourself in this next category or identify with parts of it. Maybe this is your first time listening to me speak or you found this episode by accident on social media and it brought you here. You are in this next category of caregiver if you have heard of self-care and don’t think it’s for someone like you. Or, you have no idea what caring for yourself would be or how to do it. It’s frustrating because you feel like you’re excluded from information that other people seem to have easy access to.
If you are in this category you may find yourself angry that you are a caregiver and bitter about having to give up the plans you had for your life. Or you find yourself feeling lonely and disconnected from not only family and friends but from the person you care for. You don’t enjoy the life you’re living. You are aware that there are things other people do to care for themselves but you don’t think those are things you should or can do. It hurts because you know something better exists but for some reason you are excluded or you just can’t figure out how to get it.
The important thing here is that you at least have an idea that self-care exists. You might be open to hearing more about it which way lead to you wanting to learn more. All it takes is a little curiosity and an understanding that you need to reduce the load of stress you’re carrying. Knowing that there is hope for something different and better is what will get you to think about caring for yourself a little more.
I hate to see caregivers deny themselves the opportunity to at least try to understand the possibilities of prioritizing their own care. They work so hard and give up so much of their lives to be caregivers yet they don’t save some of that energy to do the same for themselves. To hear a caregiver get angry about self-care makes me sad. I get that the term is over used to market things that are expensive to do but that just means they have misconceptions of what self-care actually is. So maybe you were like this once or part of you still believes that self-care isn’t for you still but you’re curious to learn more or entertain the idea of it and that gives me hope. I Hope that I might be able to normalize self-care and the importance of it enough that you’ll move yourself to the next phase.
That phase is caregivers who understand that self-care is supposed to be good for them. They know they need to do something differently because the stress they feel is really intense most of the time. They’re able to occasionally find moments they enjoy but overall they aren’t loving their life much.
I love seeing caregivers get themselves here and also know it can feel like a really lonely place to be. To understand there is something better for you, that life can be happier, but not know how to get to it is difficult. You are realizing that you can’t continue to go forward as a caregiver with he amount of stress you’ve lived with up to this point. Maybe you’ve been warned by your doctor that you need to make life changes and was handed a pamphlet with lists of stress reduction techniques and nutritional changes to make.
You get angry because you notice people keep talking AT you. What you actually don’t know is how to care for yourself. You don’t have the time or energy to figure out what any of the things on that stress reduction list are or how to do them and no one is jumping up to help you figure it out. When you’re in this phase you just need someone to explain and show how to do things for yourself so you need to find the energy to seek out resources or people that will actually help you.
When caregivers in this phase come to work with me I’m always excited to see their faces after just a quick 5 min breathing meditation. When they open their eyes it’s as if I’ve introduced them to fire for the first time. They’re emotional and surprised and sometimes a little weirded out that breathing can make them feel so good. In fact, a similar guided breathing exercise is included in the free issue of caregiving confessions found on my website loveyourcaregivinglife.com
A lot of you might be in this phase right now and I can’t tell you how important it is for you not to give up. Don’t give up on giving self-care a chance. Don’t give up when you try something and it back fires on you. The feeling of guilt when you plan or are in the middle of doing something fun for yourself is enough to make it uncomfortable and makes it harder to try the next time. Or if something gets in the way of your self-care you give up and take it as a sign that it just isn’t for you. This is normal and almost all of us experience it at times.
When you start something new it isn’t always easy at first but understanding that, and knowing that you are worth the effort are important for you to remember in this phase. You’re right there at the edge of knowing how good caring for yourself can feel and how much better it’ll be to be a caregiver once you unlock the meaning of self-care for you.
When you do realize this, you will find yourself in the next category. Caregivers who have a good idea of the importance of self care. In this phase you know self-care is what you need and you have had a chance to experience how good it feels to do something for yourself. You’ve been able to find a form of self-care that you enjoy doing and look forward to fitting into your day. However, you haven’t quite been able to prioritize your needs so self-care can become a regular part of your daily routine. Doing things for yourself is hit or miss. It doesn’t take much to give up something you had planned for yourself.
When you are here you become aware of how good caring for yourself can feel. You have moments of time that you really enjoy throughout your week. There’s just something that stops you from sticking up for what you need. You still haven’t fully stepped into making time for yourself so important that you won’t let things get in the way of it. You still feel guilty at times when you’re having fun or trying to plan for it. When you find yourself here you might wish you had someone to back you up and hold you accountable. You also might have some things you enjoy doing now but not have a solid self-care plan.
I love working with caregivers in this phase. You’re open to trying some new things in an effort to find THE best routines for your day and just need help staying accountable. I get to be your cheerleader and back you up as we work to make you feel really confident in doing things for yourself. I get to experience wins and hear how you were able to handle a stressful situation in a healthier way because you used self-care skills you learned or how exciting it was for you to see boundaries really work. There is so much room for growth when you find yourself in this phase of caregiving because you’re willing to put in the work… you just need someone to lead the way and make sure you have everything you need to stay on the right path.
That path will take you towards enjoying your life a lot of the time. In this next phase caregivers still find themselves derailed by stressful situations. When they become overwhelmed their own self-care is the first thing to go in order to meet the needs of the person they care for. Most of the time they’re able to control stress levels and have proved to be resilient. However, there are periods when they get severely overwhelmed, their self-care becomes unimportant and it takes them some time to recover.
They do go back to their daily self-care practices and they know they need to continue to make themselves a priority because they’re able to feel the difference when they stop caring for themselves the way they usually do. When you watch it from the outside it looks like life got pissed they were able to find a good flow and it catches the caregiver off guard by smacking them across the face with something pretty serious. That causes the caregiver to scramble to try to figure out what the heck just happened and won’t find their way back to self care for a while. This would happen if there was a new diagnosis or a worsening of their loved one’s health. Enough to knock the wind out of you for a little bit.
The important thing is, when you’re in this phase you always go back to caring for yourself because being without it proves to you how much you actually need it. If you’re in this phase what you might need help with is a self-care plan that you put together for these types of emergencies. Not the normal, usual things you’re able to do daily when life cooperates with you. More like a Holy Shit plan that reminds you what you need to do to adapt and specific self-care tools and solutions that are meant to be easy for you to pull out and use in even the most stressful times. Sometimes this is a physical box that I have people put together for themselves or a metaphorical box with a list of instructions written out on their phone. If there is something coming up in the very near future (like a 6 month check in with an oncologist or their loved one is scheduled for surgery) I’m able to work with them to create this plan in case they need it.
This is a very good place to be and actually where I’d hope to be able to guide any caregiver I work with to. You see, nothing makes the fact that you have to be a caregiver better. We can’t undo how unfair it is. We can’t heal our loved ones.
What we can do is work to find ways to learn how to take care of ourselves just as much as the person we care for. It’s all about finding ways to start and end your day calmer and with more focus. It’s about being able to sleep better, smile more and enjoy time with your loved one.
It’s all about loving your caregiving life. You can go to loveyoucareviginglife.com/lycl to learn more about working with me to find easy ways to stop feeling so stressed and exhausted all the time and enjoy life with the person you care for.
Don't forget to download your free issue of Caregiving Confessions Now.
