Episode 102: How to Actually Stop Caregiver Burnout by Making Small Positive Life Changes
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Transcript
I noticed the other day that caregivers and bugs have some similarities.
In Minnesota we had an explosion of box elder beetles in the end of summer and now that it’s slowly starting to warm up they’re coming out of hibernation. This morning I watched one try to fly to a light. It would touch the light and then fly away and come back and did this for a few minutes until it got tired and couldn’t fly anymore.
Let’s talk about noticing when things just aren’t working for you.
Just like the beetle I see caregivers try doing things the same way over and over again and then they get so burnt out they can’t function anymore. I’ve heard some of you say you want to enjoy you life again and wish you could find time for yourself. Or maybe you’ve been thinking when things get better for your loved one you’ll have more time to prioritize your own care. Or you’re at a point where you just don’t know how much longer you can endure caregiving.
However, you haven’t made any changed.
Just like the beetle you keep doing things the same way. You keep hitting yourself against the light and at some point you collapse out of exhaustion. Just like the beetle, you get yourself up and go through the process again. Continually ignoring the fact that something really has to change.
I know caregiving can shift your focus away from your own needs. When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer I was a yoga and meditation teacher and I was doing all the things you see on the lists you should do for self care. I meditated daily. I had a regular yoga practice, I journaled I was mindful and I taught all of that to classes of people. I had years of training and practice yet as soon as I learned he had cancer all of that disappeared. I held my breath. The only thing I wrote down were cancer survival rates and possible treatments. I only moved when I taught a class and I was not mindful at all. I was stressed out, the amount of worry I was experiencing became unhealthy and I cried all the time. I was drowning on the inside while I did my best to look like I had it under control on the outside.
Months later I was really scared for myself and sent a message to my doctor and she wrote back and suggested meditation and that stung. It woke me up and made me realize that I already had what I needed but caregiving had turned my world upside down so quickly that I forgot who I was.
So I really do hear you when you say you want to enjoy you life again and wish you could find time for yourself. Or you’ve been thinking when things get better for your loved one you’ll have more time to prioritize your own care. And also the words that tell me that you’re burnout and have given up on any hope that you will ever find joy in your life.
I needed a reminder to use the skills I already had. I understand how much harder it is for someone who didn’t already have those skills before becoming a caregiver to suddenly make it part of their life when everything is falling apart.
After I realized I had the ability to help myself it was still a struggle to find the balance I needed in order to approach caregiving with more calm. I had to relearn how to respond to things instead of react to them. I had to figure out how to fit time for myself into this new way of life I found myself in. It was frustrating and difficult but over time I learned how to check in with myself on a regular basis and prioritized my self-care.
It wasn’t easy to do but I knew it was what had to happen because for me, being unhappy, not experiencing life with my husband and daughter and struggling to let go of the need to control a world that was now uncontrollable was not acceptable.
I’m not saying my life is perfect. But I’m happy. Cancer lives as an uninvited guest that never leaves. It’s always an underlying threat that most days we can spend very little time thinking of but it’s always there. The stress patterns of our lives run on a three or 6 month cycle. It peaks every time my husband has a day of scans and drs visits because we know full well that one conversation with his doctor can change our lives.
You can’t wait for things to get easier to prioritize yourself because prioritizing yourself is what makes it easier.
It feels like it takes less energy to suffer through because you already know how to do it. In order to make things better for yourself you have to think. If you’re exhausted, dehydrated and under a lot of stress thinking is hard for your brain to do. You also need to be uncomfortable with things for a short while because prioritizing yourself comes with its own issues. I know it feels easier to do things the same way all the time even if it means you are unhappy most of the time. But just like that beetle hitting itself against the light until it can’t anymore you will find at some point you can’t continue with life as it is and I’d like you to really ask yourself if that is what you want.
Maybe because you’re listening to this episode you are at least interested in knowing if there can be more or if other caregivers are having the same problems as you do and the answer is YES.
Yes, life can be better and yes millions of caregivers are dealing with the same struggles you are at this very moment. That’s why this podcast exists - to help caregivers realize they don’t have to suffer through caregiving and how they can make changes in their lives that allow them to love their lives.
Some caregivers find a way to enjoy their life with the loved one they care for but for many of us it’s extremely difficult. Even for those of us that look like we have a handle on our self care we still have times when we struggle but we understand that when things stop working for us we need to make a change.
Even though you may feel that there is very little hope for your loved one’s health to improve or for them to be cured or healed back to where they were before they were injured there is hope for enjoying your life.
I believe you can make changes to your life. Especially because these changes can be small and doable. I believe you can do it because I see that you’ve adapted to caregiving. You’re doing things now that you never did before you became a caregiver. You have responsibilities and have taken on an entirely new role without being able to wait to have the time to figure things out.
I know you can prioritize your own care because you were strong enough to prioritize that of the person you care for. You made their doctor’s appointment a priority and getting to surgery or treatments is a priority. You know how to prioritize.
You know when someone needs a little more help, a break from life and when a nap is needed because you help identify these moments for the person you love. You know when they need a break or they need a little more attention from you. You can tell when they are holding back emotions and can be there for them when they want to let them out. You understand how important all of this is for them. So it can be easy for you to know what you need as well.
You know how to set boundaries for them. The people they really don’t need to visit with or talk to when they aren’t feeling well. The routines you help them stick to because you know it helps them feel better when you do. The tasks you help them with in the morning and the night to help them start and end their day. You know how to set boundaries.
You already have most of the skills you need to be successful at caring for yourself.
The problem is there are some things getting in your way.
It could be that you don’t think it’s important to prioritize yourself when your loved one is not well.
Or,
Thinking about taking time for yourself makes you feel guilty.
Possibly it’s because you have no idea how to start doing things to feel better or maybe you keep telling yourself that you’re not the type of person that does self-care.
Maybe it feels like a good idea and you understand how important it is but you never take action on trying something.
These are some pretty big roadblocks and they are very common.
Think of this… your health and happiness directly affects the person you care for. I know that when I’m running on empty I get very crabby and reactionary. If I don’t get enough sleep, enough water in my day and at least semi healthy and regular meals It’s hard for me to make decisions, enjoy my day and find patience.
You may find that when you really need a break but don’t know how to take one you’ll start to feel angry and resentful. Or feel overwhelming sadness and loneliness. How does that not come across to your loved ones throughout the day.
Not attending to our health opens us up to the possibilities of chronic diseases and illness that could cause us to need someone to care for us. If that happens who will care for the person you currently care for?
Taking care of yourself is a retirement for caregivers. Self-care is not optional but most of you think it’s a luxury and only happens on rare or special occasions. Yet how we care for ourselves determines how we show up for the people we love.
I know right now as you’re listening to this while driving your car or on a walk I know all of this makes sense. You might be thinking that you really should start to do more things for yourself but then once you get back home or to wherever your on your way to you’ll forget until you see my next episode pop up. Just like that beetle you’ll keep doing things the same way expecting something to happen differently.
I don’t just want to tell you things can be different I want you to actually experience how it can change your life. So I’m going to link the podcast episodes that will help you do that to the transcript for this episode. There’s also a new PDF there for you that I know you’ll really enjoy. I want to give you as many tools I can so you can find the one that feels right for you. So in that PDF there is a list of 10 free things you can do to relax in under 5 minutes as well as a link for a breathing exercise you can listen to. Just look for the Caregiving Confessions PDF on the website.
I know that sometimes all you need is for someone to hold you accountable. Change can feel more exciting if you share your plans with someone. So for today I think even if all you know is you want to find ways to care for yourself even if you don’t know what those ways are tell someone. Post it on social media if that’s your thing. Tell a friend or family member about it. Or email me and let me know what you plan on doing or ask me for suggestions and I’ll help you work though it.
What you do as a caregiver is important. I know you don’t always feel that people see you or value what you do, but never forget how much that person needs you in their life. Let’s get you on your way to making your own care a priority.
Thanks for listening!
Self Care Podcast Series
EP 82: Finding Your Caregiving Self-Care Style: Part One
EP 83: Finding Your Caregiving Self-Care Style: Part Two
EP 84: Finding Your Caregiving Self-Care Style: Part Three
Don't forget to download your copy of Caregiving Confessions today! Download Here
