Episode 97: “And Just Like That” My Caregiver Escape was Ruined
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Transcript
There’s nothing worse than being excited about a new show and realizing that it has an underlying story line that hits too close to home! Of course it comes as a surprise because it isn’t sexy to have death or disease mentioned in the trailer or descriptions of the teasers.
Let’s talk about what happens when your escape show becomes too real.
Recently I announced to the household that I was going to watch something on my own. Which is a big statement because we spend a LOT of time together. So doing something for just me and essentially telling them that I didn’t want them to join in, piqued their interest. I simply was announcing it so they knew I was taking some “alone time” as we label it here #selfcareawareness.
You Are What You Consume
I find it interesting how something I watch, read or listen to can have a powerful affect on me. The wrong tone of music at the wrong time can make me sad when I was just ok. A well done action movie can make me want to start practicing TaeKwondo again. A good rom-com can make me feel good about my relationship with my husband. I think I was looking to be inspired by what I was going to watch and hoped it would also give me a place to escape to. Let’s face it, the past two years have been very difficult for everyone and even more difficult for caregivers. So escaping into a world I can only hope to find again in the future was exciting.
My Happy Place
I sat in my cozy spot and pressed play on “And Just Like That” the Sex and the City Reboot that I believed would get me inspired to jump out of the H&M sweatsuits I’ve been wearing for far too long. I mean Carrie never let me down before. She’s always inspired me to embrace the beauty inside me, pick me first, and fill my world with color. Of course that was before I became a caregiver. I have changed so much since then that I can’t even say I am anywhere near the same person. I’m much older, have bigger problems and real responsibilities. So did Carrie and the group! They came back older and with real problems. The same kind of problems most of us are facing now: death, loss, grief, finding ourselves, loosing ourselves, and finding ourselves again.
Caregiving Is About Disappointments
After the second episode I found myself crying and let down. How could my escape show decide to throw reality into the storyline in a way that triggers me? How dare they try to distract from the lavish Gucci gowns and beautifully furnished NYC apartments with the realness of the show topics?
I told myself I was done! I voiced my feeling of abandonment to anyone that would listen and vowed to never watch another episode again! I searched for a show substitute and picked another new series which turned out to be about three friends bonding over loosing their friend to cancer. So I wasn’t doing too well in picking something to escape to.
What Were They Thinking?
I always wonder what process show writers and creators go through in picking out what the conflict will be for their show. How do they pick cancer, or loss when it’s a comedy? I mean I’m sure they did their market research but I’d like to hear those conversations, you know. I’d like to know if they even realize that when they write shows like this they’re actually writing shows with story lines that real live people are actually experiencing. Do they consult caregivers and see how far they can push some of their content? Do comedy writers even know the concept of caregivers?
I thought I had given up on the show. How could I continue watching something for fun and escape when it was very true to life? Then the next weekend I found myself wondering, how could Carrie handle what they made her go through last week? Is there a way to grieve and continue with life?
Confessions…
Confession time here… I kept watching the show. Yes, I was hooked because I actually liked seeing that someone was having real problems on TV. Sure she wasn’t a caregiver but she was definitely going through something all caregivers have a good chance of having to experience in the end.
In fact all of the characters were going through their own issues, real issues and I think I liked the mix of what is fantasy for me and real possibilities mixed together.
Caregivers don’t have a lot of opportunities to see themselves in others. We aren’t really represented on TV or Movies. I think more importantly caregivers don’t talk about caregiving at all in their personal lives as much as they could. I get it. It’s difficult to do. It requires a certain amount of vulnerability and energy. Sure there are podcasts like this one that let you know you aren’t alone in what you are going through. I just think if we all spoke about caregiving more, it would normalize it and people would be more aware of how important we are.
I Couldn’t Stay Away
So I sat down and got ready to continue to root for happiness. I watch with my phone in one hand to take pictures of the outfits or look up the designers I LOOOVVVEEE and tissues in the other when I’m forced to confront the issues in my life that are triggered by the made up ones on the screen.
I realized that even I typecast the characters, but isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Shouldn’t we expect the same character traits of the characters we grow to love. Also, isn’t it interesting how we gravitate towards the security of television when our lives are hectic? How soothing re-watching a show is? How calming it is for your brain to not have to really think. Or is that just me?
We’ve All Changed
Anyway, I knew them to be carefree and now they came back different and it took me a while to change my perception of them. How many times has that happened to you? Before caregiving we were the young carefree Carries of the world. Then we became caregivers and we changed because our lives changed. The people around us didn’t realize just how much we changed right away. Some never could accept us as the caregivers we are because it was just too difficult for them to see us differently. Just like my first reaction to the show! It didn’t look like it would be fun to watch these people who were fun in a past life go through real life problems. I didn’t want to change the way I saw these characters because I expected the same characters. I didn’t want to have to work at thinking about what I was watching. When we became caregivers we weren’t the fun ones anymore. We were grieving the loss of our past lives without even realizing it and so we couldn’t ask for help because we couldn’t see what we had lost. Our family and friends couldn’t or didn’t know how to think about reframing who we were because it would require a good deal of work.
The Moral of the Story
In the end the important part of this isn’t that I accepted a fictional character and a new story line. What is important is I’ve claimed time for myself. For you it might not be a tv show. It could be something else you’d like to do for fun. I got excited about a reboot of a show I used to watch when life felt easier. So think back at what you used to get excited about when life felt easier. What did you have fun doing in High School, college or maybe as a young adult. Think of something you enjoyed before caregiving and see if you can bring part of that back. Getting started with claiming your time is the hardest part. After some trial and error it does become as easy as calling out that you’re going to go do something or need some time alone.
Hope For Your Future
We are all our own version of our former selves. Just like in this show, you have grown up and been changed by life. Hopefully, just like the characters, you can all find your own ways to enjoy the lives you live. Hopefully, you can embrace caregiving so that it becomes part of who you are and doesn’t continue to control every moment of your life. You can find joy in the things you do, the people you care for and the moments you carve out of your hectic days because you realize you are worth it. I hope that you learn you deserve to be happy and that you can love your caregiving life one little step at a time.
If watching something fun is your style of self-care keep me in mind when you find something you like and share it with me. You can always DM me on Instagram or send me an email. If you aren’t on my email list you can sign up by downloading a PDF resource from my website www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com.
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