Episode 46: Secret Resentment

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What did you put aside when you became a caregiver? What part of your life has been on hold since then? 

You’ve made sacrifices. Did you have to change jobs, reduce your working hours or quit altogether because you are caring for someone? Or maybe you're struggling to hold on only to find yourself exhausted all the time. Overwhelmed with caregiving and overwhelmed at work. Stretch thin everywhere and feeling like you never do anything well anymore, let alone be great at something. Maybe you didn’t work but there are parts of you that feel lost for forever. The part of you that used to do things for fun. That enjoyed life more and was open to any adventure that presented itself. Now all you want to do is take a break or at least get some sleep.

I hear you. I have spent years scared to take on new clients or teaching jobs because it was just too close to my husband’s scheduled set of scans and oncology visits. The pressure of not knowing what to expect from that one day has been enough for me to put parts of my life on hold. I’ve turned down new opportunities at work because I never knew if I could give more of my time. Since my future was uncertain it was hard for me to make plans for the future.  

We all have made some kind of sacrifices to be able to care for our loved ones. What really sucks is that no one really sees that, do they? Maybe you’re like me and you took over caring for your spouse when he got sick. It was expected you to do so. People in your world probably didn’t even think twice about it when they found out. Of course you’ll stay and take care of him. Why not? You’re his spouse! No one asked you if you wanted to or if you could. No one presented you with a caregiving job description and asked if you wanted to negotiate the terms.  

No… everyone just assumed you would do it.  

And you probably care for them because you feel the same. Why wouldn’t you care for them? The fact that the freedom to choose is ignored is one of the worse things that happens to us. 

Here’s why… 

If people don’t see that you have the freedom to choose not to be a caregiver they will also not see the sacrifices that you’ve had to make to do that. If it is assumed that you would be the caregiver then no one will consider what that means for your life unless you make it known that you’ve had to make sacrifices to be able to be there. The hardest part is, we are the types of people who won’t make a fuss about all the things we have had to set aside to be able to be present for the person we are caring for. We don’t even know that it happens sometimes and won’t realize what we have given up until we become bitter and resentful and try to figure out why. 

So here we are - being thrust into being a caregiver. Making changes in our lives in an effort to be able to survive. Not being able to think up a plan because we have no idea what we are doing or what is coming up ahead. Leaving jobs, giving up things we enjoyed doing, all to take care of our loved one without a second thought.  

I think it all hits us when we start to realize that we resent the amount of concern everyone has for the person we care for. I’ll admit it, I sometimes resent the fact that everyone is worried about my husband. Whenever I put an update on CaringBridge about him he’ll automatically start to get texts and phone calls that will continue over a couple of days. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. It would be bad if no one reached out to him and I love that so many people care about him. Sometimes I resent it more than others. It might exist as a very small ball in the pit of my stomach or grow into a full fledged moment of emotion. But it’s there.  

I think we are conditioned to just stuff that feeling down deep. Who would be upset about not getting any attention when we aren’t the one that has cancer. Who would be resentful of the attention their spouse is getting when they aren’t sick? 

I’ll tell you who -ME! - That’s who!! 

I’m going to be real with you. That’s why we are all here. I do feel a certain amount of resentment when people check in on my husband because they are not equally concerned about me. And the amount of resentment I feel is based on how tired and overwhelmed I am.  So if I haven’t had more than two hours of sleep because he’s just back home after having surgery. If I’ve been up all hours of the night making sure he’s had his pain medication at the right times and I get a wave of texts and phone calls checking in to see how he is doing but not even a cursory - How are you holding up? My resentment level is high!!! I don’t care if it’s right or wrong - it’s what I feel and I know I’m not the only one. 

If things are relatively stable and I’m well rested and someone asks me how he is doing without asking me how I am, the resentment might be a quick passing emotion. It’s hard to handle. I would very much like to tell them - Oh By The Way - I’m not alright, I’m exhausted, scared, stressed, overwhelmed right now, thanks for asking. But I don’t. That wouldn’t do anyone any good. It isn’t fair, I know. But I’m pretty sure you know life isn’t fair right now. 

Most people who don’t check in with the caregiver don’t know that they are neglecting the caregiver. They don’t realize that they need to check in with you too. I think a lot of it is because they don’t understand what we do. How hard it is to watch your spouse or loved one have to suffer and not be able to do anything to fix it for them. They don’t know about all the things you’ve had to let go of, stop doing, or put on hold — unless you’ve told them.  

I think we need to be more vocal about the things we need. Find a way to communicate how our lives have changed. No one in your circle is going to understand the support you need if you don’t tell them or show them. If we continue to try to act like we have it all under control everyone is going to think we have it all under control.  

So what do you do? 

I know I can’t control what people do or say. I also want people to check in on my husband as I’m sure you want people to show some concern for the person you care for. So, first I see the positive in the situation. There are people in our lives that have genuine concern for my husband. I want that for him. He needs it and quite frankly I do to. I need to see that people care for him. Then when resentment starts to show up I let it in. I don’t try to ignore it. I don’t try to shove it down deep in the depths of my being with all the other repressed emotions because I know it will come back up again stronger. I entertain it for a little bit. If it feels like a lot, I’ll journal about how upset I am that people don’t check in with me. Sometimes it’s just a passing moment and I’ll allow myself to feel it and then let it go. 

I see the resentment, I let myself feel it and then I let it go. If I ignore it and stuff it down deep to try to hide it it always backfires. 

I think we should all acknowledge resentment when it shows up. Don’t feel shame in feeling it. You aren’t the only one that experiences it. 

Then find a way to let it go. You are already burdened by so much you don’t need to hold on to another thing. 

Sometimes just telling someone about how you feel makes it all feel better. If you’d like to share what you resent about caregiving  I’m here.

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