Episode 156: Play to Their Strengths: The Key to Effective Caregiving Support

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Show Transcript

A piece of caregiving advice. When asking someone to help you… play to their strengths. 

I have a friend who instinctually makes meals for people who need support. She has a mental list of all the meals she can make that are easy for the other person to pop in the oven or warm up in the microwave and aren’t difficult to transport. 

I have always envied how to put together these meals always are. She knows what meal is best for the specific person or family she’s making it for. She has an idea of what their tastes are, or might be, and creates a tasty experience for people who need someone to lean on. 

My husband used to see doctors at a hospital that was a two-hour drive from home. So the days he has had to go for scans, tests, and doctor's visits have been long, stressful, and tiring. But most times we would get back to the house with one of these wonderful meals waiting for us. Sometimes that was the carrot at the end of the stick on those days. We’d look forward to getting home just to be able to eat whatever she brought us. 

The thing is… the simplest things she put together tasted the best. I loved her meatball subs. I’ve actually been thinking about them a lot lately and might need to find out how she makes them. They were easy for her to make. In fact one time I think she told me it takes more time to buy the ingredients than it does to make it. I’ll be honest I wasn’t a big meatball type of person but my husband is and when she brought us that first sandwich and I pulled it out of the oven I wasn’t so sure I’d like it.  But I came to find out I loved it. 

I don’t think it was the actual sandwich I was tasting that made me love it. It was the warmth not only of the sandwich straight out of the oven but the love she had for us when she made it. Yes the melting mozzarella was wonderful after a stressful day but it really was how good it felt to have someone want to help us, make the night easier for us, and most importantly…

She helped the best way she knew how. She fed us her hugs. 

That’s the point I want to make today. Let people help you in the best way they can and play to their strengths when seeking support. 

All of the people around us have their strengths or at least things they enjoy doing… which isn’t always the same thing. If you’ve had over-salted cookies from your friend who loves to bake you know what I'm talking about.

Play to a person’s strengths or interests and you will have a better time getting the support you need. 

Last week we worked on how to decide what you can ask someone to help you with. This is part four of this podcast series to help you begin to put together your own care team. If you haven’t heard the previous episodes it all starts with episode 152 but for now, I’d like for you to think of one thing you’d like not to have to do anymore. If you’ve been going along with this series you should already know what that is but if you are starting here think of one household chore you’d like to not have to do or that causes you the most stress when caregiving is difficult.  

Now who in your life would be good at that task? 

It’s always good to start identifying people in your life that can help you with responsibilities that need to be done but that you would benefit from not doing. You might think it’s the best way to go because they will usually help for free. 

When someone you know helps you it might not cost you money but it isn’t free. It will help or hurt your relationship with them. You need to be able to set boundaries, know how to ask for their help but also be able to be specific about what you need them to do for you. It will take some emotional energy and time in the beginning. 

However, by having people you know help you with things you are both getting something out of it if you are intentional at pairing someone you know with the help you need. If you can play to a person’s strengths then they will not only make sure they show up for you but they will do so because they benefit from how good it can make them feel to help. 

Let someone help you in a way that allows them to do something that makes them feel good about helping and you will find that you are helping each other. Ask them to do something they hate and if they show up once you might not see them again. 

I’m serious. I know my friend feels good about being able to help people in her life by doing something she knows how to do well. She will downplay her ability to cook and it might be a little annoying sometimes to put things together and drive them over but in the end, she feels good about being able to help. 

My friend also knows how to mow lawns. However, I know she doesn’t like to find herself in a situation that requires her to sweat outdoors. So if I ever did need her to help me with the lawn and she knew I exhausted all other possibilities she’d do it… once and then try to block the experience from her memory. 

You want the person who identifies as a good cook to help you with meals… not cut your grass. You want the mechanic to come to try to put the cabinet door back on in the kitchen… not bake you a cake. You want the friend that has 1,000 cats to help you with yours when you have to be in the hospital with your loved one for a week but not clean the 2 ft of snow off your driveway. And most importantly you want the person who is always around to listen to be on standby when you think you will need them the most. 

Know the people in your life and ask them to help you in a way they are best suited to help. 

Ask them to help so they can have a way to be a part of your journey. I know full well how frustrating it is for people to offer to help you, especially at the beginning of your caregiver journey and right when you are so overwhelmed that you have no idea of what you need help with. I know how frustrating it is to feel that people offering to help you are empty offers and promises. However, there are most likely people in your lives that offered to help and will always be willing to try to help you but just don’t know how. They don’t know that we would love for someone to just jump in to do something for us. That bringing a meal wouldn’t be bothering you. 

Often times we need to help the people willing to support us in finding a way to show up for us.  That’s why in the episodes before this one we have worked on figuring out what that can actually be. 

Here’s the thing. Oftentimes we feel that what we go through, need and feel are misunderstood by the people around us. When you have these same people helping you they begin to understand. In time, you asking for them to help you not only begins to create a support network that will help you with tasks but you might find that they will begin to want to support you socially and emotionally more as well. 

Having people you know help you do things you feel you should be able to do on your own can feel weird, I know. It can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I’ve been there. 

A few years ago my husband had pretty invasive surgery to remove more cancer. True to form when we finally got home from being at the hospital for a week there was a meal waiting for us. I’m pretty sure this meal made me cry. I had eaten so much cafeteria and restaurant food that I just didn’t feel like eating anymore. Until I walked into the kitchen and saw what she left us and I realized it wasn’t the food that was the problem it was the love it was made with that I was lacking. 

Curious thing happened this time around… she kept showing up with meals. Sometimes it’d be a meal for the day or a few meals for a few days. Sometimes she’d hang around and talk, bring me coffee as an added bonus, or leave it at the door. Always knowing when I needed her to stay a little or was too tired to talk. 

Thing is, I didn’t ask for the meals and they just kept coming and at first I felt a little bad about it. She had her own family to feed and she had other responsibilities. For her to add my family to her day was one of the biggest most selfless gifts anyone had given me and I realized what made it difficult for me at first was accepting the help. Until I realized this help was exactly what I needed… I just didn’t notice it at first. 

I’m not talking about just the meals. I’m talking about the care and concern she showed us by bringing the meals. Giving me the opportunity to sit with a friend looking like crap with probably just 2 hours of sleep and just talk. Caring for my husband during his recovery from this major surgery was hard for me and she was there to support me in the way she knew she could. 

Accepting help can be just as difficult as finding it. So when you do have someone like this to show up for you… accept their help. When you finally know what you need help with, ask someone if they can assist you with it and they show up for you… accept it. 

Start with the people you have in your life to get the support you need because you will be supported in more ways than you can imagine. Call to their strengths when identifying something they can help you with. Accept their help when they give it to you and be ok with asking them not to help anymore if it isn’t working out. 

When having people you know help you doesn’t work there are other options. 

We’ll work on that next week. Until then take some time this week to identify people in your life that you think would be willing to help you if they were able to assist in doing something they enjoy doing or are good at. 

Thanks for listening.