Episode 153: The Power of Caregiver Awareness: How Knowing What You Do Each Day Can Change Your Life

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Transcript

What is the one thing you do at home for your household or directly for the person you care for that breaks you when you’re overwhelmed? 

Is it washing dishes or putting something together to eat? Is it driving them to treatments daily or having to make sure someone is with them 24 hours a day?

Think of it… what is the one thing you wish you wouldn’t have to do and would love to have help doing it?

Last episode we touched on how to handle empty promises and offers of help and why it’s so hard to actually know what to get help with. So today let’s talk about figuring out what you actually do 

I have to confess usually it’s the easiest thing that breaks me down. I’ve found myself crying over a frozen lasagna, stomping up the stairs with a glass of water for my husband, and feeling stuck in front of my washing machine because my brain decided it had had enough. 

When people ask to help you probably have a hard time figuring out what to suggest they help with because you haven’t had the opportunity to even figure out what you actually do and what you can give up. 

When I work with caregivers, figuring out what a person does is the first step and it’s a very low-tech exercise. Simply write down things you can remember you do and then keep adding to it as you go on through the week. 

I mean really write down everything you do, especially if you think - well that’s not a big deal I do it all the time. I’ll explain why those things can be the most important for you to identify. Keep in mind this isn’t only a list of things you’d like someone to do for you. It’s a list of everything you do.

You’ll find that some themes or categories will begin to show up in this list. There will be things you do that can be considered basic chores in the home. Cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, and things of that nature. Some of those might even be things you don’t do all the time but do take a lot of energy when you do them. Think for example if you do a deep clean of any part of your home like a bedroom or the refrigerator. You might not do them all the time but it does take more energy than usual to do them. 

Another category you might start to see is things that need to be done as upkeep inside or outside of the house. This might look like yard work, snow removal, gutter cleaning, putting up or taking down decorations, planting, weeding, power washing the outside of the house, or cleaning the windows. Maybe the boxes of Christmas decorations are still sitting in a corner of the living room, or there’s a dent in the wall because you threw a pair of shoes up the stairs with a little too much frustration. (Not that I’d know anything about doing something like that).

Then you’ll probably see there are things that you do that are specific to the person you care for. Do you take them or accompany them to doctors' visits, scans, and testing appointments? Maybe there’s chemo or radiation you go to with them. There are probably more things you do with them at home. Make sure their bedding is clean or are there wounds that need to be tended to? Is there any physical therapy you help them with or make sure they have the right medicine at the right time every day? Write down everything you do for them all the way down to brushing their teeth and giving them a bath if that’s something you do.

Write down the things you do for other family members. Things you do for your children or other people living with you.  Do you have caregiving responsibilities for another friend or family member you don’t live with? Add those responsibilities in there. Also, add any nontangible things like making sure to check in with people to really see how they’re doing. Listening to loved ones that always need to talk things out. Make sure the people you care for that are dealing with mental health issues are doing ok or need more support. 

Don’t forget the things you do for yourself. If it’s hard to think of anything start with the basics of getting dressed, eating meals, and brushing your teeth, and see how it goes from there. Do you go to therapy? Add it to the list. Do you talk to a friend on the phone regularly or meet someone for coffee occasionally? Write it down.

Write everything down. You might try to make a mental list and if you’re listening to this while doing something else I get it, but at least make a mental note with your phone, computer or a piece of paper and write all of the things you do down. 

All of it. 

If you think of something and then say to yourself that it’s of no consequence I want you to still write it down. 

You’ll probably start this exercise off thinking it’ll be fast but you’ll find that as you list things you’ll think of more to add and as you go through the week you’ll realize there’s a lot you missed. So plan on keeping this list ongoing for a few days at least. 

Then I want you to look at the list and I want you to marvel at all the things you do. I’m sure the list will be impressive and I want you to take a moment to really understand how important your role as caregiver really is. I mean you should really feel good about everything you are able to do and also begin to realize why you feel so worn out. 

Once you have your list I want you to find the one thing you would like to not have to do. Or the one thing that really makes you feel broken down when you are overwhelmed with caregiving. It could quite possibly be the thing that breaks you when you’ve reached your stress limit or something that never gets done because you just can’t find the time but you’d really feel better if it could be crossed off your list. 

I’d like for you to imagine not having to do that one thing. It could feel uncomfortable doing this and it can bring up a lot of emotions. If you can, let those emotions come and go. See if you can notice them but not let them consume you and then go back to imagining that you don’t have to do that one thing. I don’t want you to worry about who is going to do it or if they’ll actually show up for you. If imagining that having your house cleaned stresses you out because you start to wonder how you’ll have time to pick up before the cleaners come try to step back and imagine how good it would feel to simply walk into a cleaned house. 

Next, you might want to talk yourself out of this imaginary situation (because we’re just in the thought phase of this). You might say to yourself that getting the clothes washed isn’t really that hard to do.

Let me just tell you… if you only had to do one thing it most likely wouldn’t be hard to do. If all you had to do in a day was wake up and make breakfast and then find yourself free of all responsibilities for the rest of the day it wouldn’t be hard. 

Reality check… that isn’t the life you’re living. You’re not only making breakfast but possibly all the meals every day and on top of that doing everything else that’s on that list you’re working on. So yes, one responsibility on its own might not seem like a lot to do. In fact, if you isolate that one thing you might feel it isn’t worth it to ask someone to help you with it. But you aren’t living in a reality where that’s all you do. That’s one thing in the thousand things you do. 

Now, let’s take a breath and go back to that list you’ve been thinking through for the past few minutes. 

At any time of thinking of everything you do in a day or week did you list off…

Sitting with 

Laughing with

Taking a walk or going on a drive with

Holding hands or hugging

Doing something fun or

Having a focused conversation with the person you care for.

Often times people don’t so don’t feel bad if you didn’t. It doesn’t matter why spending time with your loved one isn’t on the list. If you did list anything that counts as spending time with your loved one then that’s great! What matters is it needs to be on there and it needs to be just as important as driving them to their doctor's appointments or making sure they eat. 

Keep working on this list for a few more days and when you think you’re done pick out one thing you would really like to not have to do. As we continue on in this podcast series I’ll help you figure out how to identify who can help you and how to get them to help. 

Thanks for listening.