Episode 150: Caregiving Sucks Just As Much As February

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Transcript

Historically February is the worst month of the year for me.

I just always feel stuck. 

It’s the let down from the holiday excitement, the dreary days of the midwest, the bitter cold, not having an end to winter in sight and just being tired of the same thing every single day. When there isn’t excitement in the world I live in for long stretches of time I find I become bored with life in general. There isn’t much excitement in terms of holidays and where I live spring doesn’t actually begin to show it’s face until May. 

This is the time of the year that I sit bitterly watching reality tv shows that take place in the tropics or binge watch anything that takes place in another part of the world so I can both hate that I’m not there and fantasize about being there. 

In February my interest in cooking new meals is renewed, I pick up a craft or art project that I set down last fall or I search for a book that will take me away to some far off land that doesn’t exist anywhere but in my imagination. 

I crave new, good and exciting or funny movies, I turn all the lights on in my house at 3:30 as soon as it begins to get dark and I sit at a window the one day of the month the sun is out like a dog sunbathing in it’s warmth or a solar powered doll. 

During this time I have to work hard to limit complaining to my friends, temper my frustration at home with my family and speak more tenderly to myself. 

It’s ok… you’re going to make it through this. Be ok with being uncomfortable. 

How many times have you done anything to forget how uncomfortable caregiving is for you? Do you smile when you see someone you know to make sure they don’t see the sadness behind your eyes? Tell everyone you are doing well when they ask how you are? 

How horrible is the quiet you find yourself in when they take your loved one out of the exam room to run a test and the gravity of your situation starts to fill your heart with fear? Do you pull out your phone to check social media, make sure you didn’t miss an important email, write that grocery list? 

Just like me in February you distract, try to forget what is really going on and search for that lifeline to pull you out of this uncomfortable moment in life. But if you’ve watched enough game shows you know that a lot of the time lifelines don’t give you what you really need. 

I’m restless this time of year. Cancer has taught me that time is never guaranteed and sometimes February feels like a waste of time. Outside of me nothing is happening. The weather will stay the same, the cold will stay the same, no real holidays to look forward to. Nothing exciting to set my eyes on and no hope for change that can distract me from the present moment. 

Just stuck in February. Stuck with whatever state my life is in. Stuck with caregiving in whatever level I need to be in at the time. Stuck with nothing to look forward to.

Feeling stuck in life is never fun because you’re constantly looking for a way out, and that’s when things become dangerous. 

When you feel stuck you aren’t enjoying your present. Instead you are searching for something to save you from the dissatisfaction you feel overwhelmed by. You try to course correct and most times it’s an over correction. You go all in on a new thing because you feel new is what you need. 

Anything to not be uncomfortable. Anything to not have to come to terms with the life you’re living. 

Constantly looking for the excitement and change you crave outside of yourself won’t ever make you satisfied. Sure you’ll be distracted for a while but just like a balloon without helium you’ll always come back down. 

There are things that I miss when I live in hate of February. I miss the beautiful design the frost makes on my windows. How easy it is to see the birds that stuck around as they search for food. The beauty of snow falling even if it feels like it has been constantly snowing for years. I fail to notice how interesting it feels for your nose hairs to freeze every time you breathe in. How you can hear everything louder when there’s snow including the crunch of your footsteps.

When I tire of February I miss out on how much fun spending more time at home can be. How satisfying the warm drinks and cozy meals are. I don’t notice how beautiful the glow of the lights inside are as it grows dark outside. How curious the footprints of little animals are in the snow. How much opportunity I am given to learn more about myself as I come back to things I wouldn’t make time for if the weather were good or big holidays were approaching. 

I miss out on experiencing the beauty of the moments I’m in because I’m constantly counting the days to… more sun, better weather and a way to not feel stuck in February. 

When we tire of caregiving we also miss a lot. When we have challenging days, weeks, months, years of caregiving we get so fed up with our lives that we are too blinded by our misery to see the good in moments. We miss the tiny moments that should be able to keep up going.

A smile that would have warmed our hearts. Recognition in a parents eyes that usually isn’t there. An expression that clearly says please sit down with me. All missed because we are too focussed on how horrible our existence is at the time. 

I could embrace the hibernation, rejoice in the cold, get giddy at putting on so many layers to go outside. 

But during this time of the year all the moisture is sucked out of my body, my skin cracks and itches, my hair becomes flat and my joints ache. 

As if my body is telling me I’m not meant to be here.

How many times have you thought that same thing? I’m not meant to be a caregiver. 

I can’t do this. 

I don’t think I can keep doing this.

I know I have a choice each year on how I live my February’s out. I can become bitter and resentful. I can succumb to the darkness of the month and assume the life of an unhappy plant that craves the sunlight it isn’t getting - slowly withering away. Just making do with what little light it gets, hoping to survive. I can fill all of my time trying to organize future day trips and fun activities out in the summer sun. I can do everything in my power to distract myself all through February. 

Or 

I can be slightly put off by the state of the month. Allow myself moments of grumpiness but otherwise take what the month is giving me… an opportunity to go inward, see what is going right and what needs to change. 

It gives me the time to 

cook more, 

learn more, 

love more. 

So I pull out my happy light, along with a heavier cream. I embrace the winter gear. Embrace the beauty of what is the ugliness of the weather. 

In doing this I am present with my husband, with my friends and family. I notice the quiver in a loved one’s voice that tells me I need to listen more than speak. I catch that smile. Notice the touch. Find gratitude for a time that can prove to be difficult for me because it allows me to enjoy life in the now. 

February is a reminder that not only is time not guaranteed but in order to fully enjoy it you need to slow down. 

YOU also have the choice to either hate caregiving, get stuck in the misery it will undoubtedly bring, let the darkness overwhelm you and break you down. Constantly find ways to distract yourself from the life you are living so much that you stop living life at all. 

Or 

You can pull out whatever is your happy light, find the things that soothe you and help you enjoy the person you care for. You can find a way to be both grumpy about caregiving but also happy you get to spend another day with your loved one. Tired of having to fight for them but also able to notice the little things throughout the day that fuel you and give you energy to keep going. Allow yourself to cry, rage, curse at life and then pick yourself up and find the beauty in it all.

Just like caregiving I don’t think I’ll ever say that I love February. 

We all have a February. 

But if I can see mine for what it is and not let it’s existence in my life take away my ability to enjoy it then I’ve won. 

Thank you for listening.