Episode 147: How Realizing You Can Abandon Caregiving Can Actually Help You Understand Why You've Stayed

Show Transcript

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Do you feel like you had a choice in becoming a caregiver? I did a poll last week on my social media channel and 96% of the people who responded… said no.

Let’s talk about how not feeling you had a choice affects your life as a caregiver.

I have yet to meet someone who can tell me the story about how they fought to become someone’s unpaid caregiver. IF that’s your story please reach out to me I’d like to talk. Go to https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com and click on contact, or if you get my newsletter simply hit reply. 

Most people become caregivers because it just made sense. You become a caregiver for your spouse or partner because you dedicated living your life with them. You care for your child because it was assumed you would do everything you could for them. You care for your parent because you were the only one able to or the child that lived the closest or had the extra room. 

It’s possible that you had a family meeting especially if the person is a parent or more distant relative but you just happened to be the one that made sense to everyone. You were the one that was dependable enough, strong enough and the one who didn’t know to or couldn’t say no. 

That’s the problem. Most of us don’t know we can say no. 

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I didn’t even think of there being an option for me not to help him. As soon as he told me I jumped into action and spent all my energy in trying to learn what his diagnosis meant and how to keep him alive and my family intact 

I did not, for one second, stop and think… maybe I don’t want to do this.

Caregiving isn’t always planned. If you care for a person it’s most likely it was sprung on you. There was an accident or a diagnoses that was unexpected or you didn’t realize how quickly a parent was declining and all of a sudden you are a caregiver. 

It may have taken you a while to come to realize that you were actually a caregiver. That it was a new role you assumed without even realizing it. OR maybe you were today years old when you realized that what you do for that person you care for even has a title. 

If that’s the case then most of us didn’t know we could say no… and for most of us that is because we were never asked. No one asked you if you really wanted to care for your husband. No one asked if you were ready to care for your child full-time for the rest of your life. 

You didn’t realize you had made a choice because you were’t asked or given an opportunity to understand what was actually happening to you because everyone was focused on what was happening to the person you are now caring for. 

You weren’t given a choice, yet you didn’t understand you were making one. 

It’s curious to me that at the very beginning of your caregiving there was no one or nothing to point out to you that you were making a big life change. Otherwise, If you were offered a job that would require you to move your family you’d have time to think about it and decide. If you decided to go to college you’d be told how much it would cost, what would be expected of you and what would happen if you didn’t meet the expectations or responsibilities laid out in front of you before you decided to go. Even before joining a choir or a social team or take a cooking class you know ahead of time what you would have to do to be able to attend, how it would require you to make some changes in your life to make it to the meetings and then have the option to sign up or back out.

When your spouse or partner was told they had cancer they were informed on how this would affect their lives and what their options were. 

Yet, you, were never educated on what caregiving would mean for you. You didn’t have a conversation with anyone that at least made you aware that your loved one’s condition could mean your life would change if you chose to care for them. 

You weren’t given a choice.

I don’t care if you wouldn’t have changed anything. Most of us probably wouldn’t have. The issue is… 

in all the decision making and planning. In all the team formation and appointments scheduled for your loved one there wasn’t anyone who stopped, looked you in the eye and said,

“This is going to change your life… if you chose to care for them you will become their caregiver and you need to know that starting today you have to make arrangements for yourself to be able to do this. Please be aware that caregiving can prove to be rewarding but extremely difficult and life altering “

This could take less than a minute to say but would make all the difference to the person sitting in that room with their loved one because it would let them know…

… this is also about you. 

Now, if I were told that, in our first visit to my husbands oncologist, I wouldn’t have stood up and said - I’m out. This isn’t for me. I can’t do this. But it would have snapped me out of the fear I had for my husband’s well being to at least give me a moment to say 

“Holy Shit, what?”

I wouldn’t have changed my mind… but I would have know I was making a choice. 

Meaning, when you actively chose to be a caregiver you have a better chance to be able to make decisions not only for your loved one but most importantly for yourself and your own care. 

When you don’t feel you were offered the choice or even had a choice on wether you would be a caregiver or not then you start out this new phase of your life feeling like you had no control over what could be the biggest life change you will be presented with. 

That’s when caregiving is something that happened to you. Not something you chose to do. 

When your’e made to do something or you feel life is just happening to you then you have no sense of agency which makes it extremely difficult for you to advocate for yourself. 

This is where being miserable as a caregiver comes from. 

If you don’t feel you had a choice in becoming a caregiver then you aren’t owning that caregiver role and because of that you find it difficult to make decisions about your own care and set boundaries that would allow you to enjoy your life no matter how difficult caregiving becomes. 

Many people don’t understand they are caregivers or see it as a new role they are assuming. They just happen to now take care of their partner because that is what they were supposed to do or their child because what parent wouldn’t. However, understanding you are a caregiver.. really understanding the importance of it, the selflessness required to assume the role and how essential it is for your family, allows you to make decisions for yourself that will be crucial for you to be able to be the type of caregiver you need to be. 

You need to know that you could have said no to being a caregiver in order to understand how important saying yes was even if you didn’t even understand that was what you were doing. 

In fact.. take a moment to imagine you saying no to caregiving right now. 

Breathe…. It’s ok to be uncomfortable. I’m not suggesting you walk away from caregiving.

However, caregiving looks different for everyone. There are people who give up their jobs in order to care for a person 24 hours 7 days a week. There are some who need to be around to support their loved one but aren’t needed to be with them all the time. Some of us leave the house to go to work but still need to take time to go to Drs appointments and be more of a caregiver when illnesses flair up or surgeries are needed. Some don’t do a lot of the active caregiving and have people come into their home or have their loved one in a facility, however, they are still their caregiver. Some people can’t take the stress and caregiving broke what little was left of the relationship they had with that person and they walk away. 

Understanding this allows you to realize how powerful saying yes to caregiving is. 

You’re not just doing it because you’re supposed to. You’re doing it because YOU WANT TO! 

You don’t just feel like life is beating you down every second of the day instead you understand that life will ultimately be difficult but you know that being there for your loved one is the most important thing you can do and you will face the storm with them. 

You don’t deny yourself a walk, time for yourself, doing something fun because it makes you feel guilty but you know these are things you are required to do in order to show up to caregiving as the best possible person you can be. 

That is why knowing you can say no is important…. It causes you to realize you are actually saying yes! 

When you say yes to caregiving you begin to see the importance of that role and have the opportunity to be more proactive in not only advocating for them but for yourself as well. If you are able to change your mindset from caregiving is ruining your life to caregiving is a crap show some days but I have purpose and can see the long game then that will allow you to be more resilient and not let bad moments and days weigh on you for a long time. 

The circumstances in which people become a caregiver is almost always a passive decision. Everyone around you assumed you would do it and so without much thought you walked right into being a caregiver. 

I don’t care how long you’ve been a caregiver. Take control of that decision now. Know that no was always and option so you can remember how important saying yes is. 

Thanks for listening. IF you’d like to have these episodes emailed to you every week signup for my newsletter at http://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com