Episode 146: How to Dominate Caregiver Communication so You Never Feel Misunderstood Again

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Show Notes

The other day I was venting to my husband about something that was really upsetting to me. I took my time to set up the scene and explain to him what happened. He actively looked like he was listening and then… he made the mistake of trying to fix it. 

Let’s talk about knowing what you want and asking for it. 

When my husband tried to fix my problem it made me feel misunderstood. I wondered if he was really hearing what I was trying to tell him or if he was spending all of that time figuring out how to fix it. Feeling misunderstood led to a sharp feeling of loneliness that showed up as anger. 

In a huff I said, “You’re not even listening to me” and he looked at me confused. "How am I not listening?", he said.  "I’m trying to help you because you’re upset." 

How many times have we heard that from our loved ones, our friends, and family? All we want is for someone to listen to us but when we aren’t clear on what we need from the conversation we end up feeling worse than when we started.

When my husband responded to my reaction I  realized I didn’t think of asking him for what I needed. 

If I would have just asked him to listen. If I would have said, “Hey, I’m upset about something and just want to tell you about it but I don’t need you to fix it” then we both would have been clear about what I needed from him and he would have been able to relax and just listen instead of feeling the pressure of trying to figure out the right thing to say to help. 

Sure, we might say to ourselves that people in our lives should know what we need if they really know us. We might feel justified in being upset with them when they don’t. 

However, until you are able to tell someone what you need they might not ever know what you want. Sometimes the problem with that is, we don’t even know what that is. 

Communication is how we feel a connection. 

We don’t just communicate by saying our words. We communicate with body language, eye contact, singing, and writing things down.  We are always giving off messages. The problem is we don’t realize the message we are sending and usually everyone else is so in their heads they don’t notice what you’re trying to say.

There is no longer time for us to wait for people to get what we need. Attention spans no longer exist and everyone feels they have their own problems to deal with. So unless you have that unicorn of a person in your life who really gets you and knows when you need something before you even do, you need to be clear about your needs. 

Today the need we are focussing on is the need to feel heard and seen. The need we have to feel understood. There is a lot involved in being able to access that. We have to be brave enough to be vulnerable in order to be seen. We need to be strong enough to ask for what we need and we need to love ourselves enough to know what those needs really are. 

Now some of that would require a ton of self-reflection and probably reading and watching and listening to everything that Brene Brown has ever created so let’s start with what you can do today. 

Understand what you need from your conversations and ask for it when applicable. 

My husband is very supportive and from what my friends tell me, he is exceptional at listening to a husband.  However, I know my husband is more comfortable with finding solutions than he is with sitting in uncomfortable emotions. 

I have friends like this too. Some friends are really good at just listening and being a cheerleader. They’re the ones who chime in with “what were they thinking” or “I can’t believe they said that to you”. However, a lot of my friends want to fix things. They get upset if I’ve been wronged and they want to make things better for me when I’m having a bad day. They just want to fix it.

I love when people want to fix things for me because I know they are trying to jump into problem-solving because they care. Sometimes the timing for that conversation just isn’t right. If I’m in the middle of complaining about how long we had to sit in the doctor’s waiting room yesterday and they suggest that I file a complaint with the doctor’s office I instantly feel sad and lonely because I feel they weren’t really hearing what I was trying to say. They saw there was a problem and felt indignant that my husband and I were treated like that and thought up a way for me to try to make it right. 

The way my friends or husband will suggest I fix things is not usually bad. They’re usually good ideas. But, if I wasn’t looking for a solution then their fixes feel like a stab in the back. 

If I’m complaining about a long wait in a waiting room what I’m probably trying to say is… our day was difficult, it isn’t fair my husband has cancer, and caregiving is stressful and tiring, I just need you to say, “Holy crap, that really sucks. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Wanna meet for coffee tomorrow?” 

That reaction lets me know they see me. I instantly feel better because someone else agrees it was difficult but also makes it easier to set it aside because I was able to vent. 

That’s the key. Knowing if you need help fixing something or just need to talk it out. 

You also need to know what the person you’re talking to tends to do. I find that people who really listen to you are either fixers or not. If you are talking to someone who always wants to fix things for you and give you suggestions and all you want to do is vent then you need to tell them that’s what you need. 

When you do this you have to know that it will most likely be uncomfortable for them not to try to fix it because that’s what they instinctually do. That’s how they see their world and how they feel they are able to help you. So even when you tell some of your fixers that you just want to vent they may still try to help. 

Understand they care. Love them for the people they are but also be very clear about what you’d like from them.

Communicate your needs. 

That’s hard to do, isn’t it?

We can tell a doctor that our loved one needs a different type of medicine because they are always in pain but we find it difficult to tell someone who loves us enough to listen that we just need to vent. That we don’t need them to fix things for us. 

Tell them what you want. 

Starting off a conversation with, Hey I just need to Vent” might just take the pressure off of them. It could be possible that they think you want them to fix things and it takes the pressure off of them. 

It’s the same with the friends that just let you vent. If you’re looking to talk things out to find a solution you can start the conversation off with, “Hey something happened and I need to figure out what I should do, can we talk about it and see if you can help me find a solution?” Just like your fixing friends they might be excited to try to help you figure something out and play a more active role in the conversation. 

Setting up expectation at the beginning of a conversation helps you feel heard. It also gives you the opportunity to decide who you might want to talk to based on what you need. If you know that your sister will always call you out on things you need to let her know that you just need for her to listen, or call the friend that emphasizes with you a little more.

Some days we know what we need. On other days we are emotional and tired and don’t really have an end goal in mind with our conversations other than to connect with someone. The important thing is to be aware that the person we are talking to has their own way of seeing the world and helping us out. 

So if we find ourselves in a conversation and feel like the person we are talking to isn’t really listening we can pause and redefine the conversation. If you need help taking action instead you can ask for it and if you don’t want someone to help you problem-solve you can ask for them to stop. It’s as simple as saying, “you know what I’m realizing now that I just want to vent, can we do that? Or, “I could really use some help figuring out what I can do next, maybe you can help me with that.” 

You will feel when you need to take that pause. It will show up as irritation, sadness, or anger and then you can choose how to move forward. Sometimes we realize we really don’t like the feeling of being told maybe we were in the wrong or should have approached a situation differently but it might be what you really need to hear even though it isn’t what you wanted to hear. 

We can’t assume that they will always know what we need. If you are talking about something personal with someone, if you know them to be a friend and someone you can talk to then there shouldn’t be a problem with starting off the conversation with what you really need.

Yes if we’re upset about something we’d assume that the person we talk to about it would just listen to us vent. However, if you have people in your life you don’t talk to anymore because they keep telling you what you should do maybe it’s just that you both misunderstood each other. 

Communication is key for connection. One of the biggest issues caregivers I work with have is feeling disconnected and lonely. So let’s allow ourselves to be proactive about telling people what we need and want from our interactions. Let’s normalize starting our emotional conversations off with setting up an understanding of the type of support you need from them. 

What I’d hate for you to do is shut yourself down from talking to anyone because you feel misunderstood. 

Take a step back and look at your friends and the people you talk to. Understand them for the people they are, not the people you’d like for them to be. Let them know how they can help you instead of expecting them to know on their own. 

We all need to be able to connect through communication but sometimes that takes a little more work than we realize. 

Thank you for listening