Episode 140: Noticing Your Loved One Can Make Your Bond Stronger

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Transcript

Hello, this is Charlotte, just a reminder that you can find the transcripts as well as any downloads or links mentioned in each episode at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com. 

As I watched my husband walk out the door to go to work this morning I noticed how handsome he is. I saw for that one moment how happy he was just living his life. 

And it made me love him more. 

I don’t talk much about him here because this podcast is for you. I think the spotlight is always on the people we care for so I want this to be the place that is just for you… about you.

However, sometimes I think we lose sight of why we are caregivers. The people you care for are why you are listening to me today. 

I’m always talking to you about accessing the power you already have inside yourself and seeking support from your family, friends, and community. Today I’d like to have you consider what your relationship with your loved one is like. 

My husband and I spend most of our free time together. We enjoy each other's company. However, even I fail actually to see him sometimes. Really see him. 

When was the last time you really saw your loved one? It’s so easy to do. I mean in a - why didn’t you tell me I forgot to button up my shirt before we left the house kind of way? We just take for granted that they’re there. We see the space they’re taking up but don’t really look at them. 

I’ve had times when I’ve been out with my husband all day in public and suddenly he’ll give me a weird look and say have you been walking around like that all day? Have you had two different shoes on all day or wait, I thought your hair was up when we left.

We walk alongside our loved ones for so long that we fail to truly see them. 

Until for a split second, like today, you really see them.

Caregiving, for me, can be difficult, to say the least. Right now I’m enjoying a turbulence-free flight but he does have his 6 month check in with his oncologist in a couple of weeks. So I’m anxiously waiting for the captain to put back on the seatbelt sign. 

That’s why seeing him for the person he is, having these short moments of clarity, affects me so deeply. I care for him because he needs help. I care for him because I love him. For me, that’s a given. I don’t usually have to work hard to remember why I’m a caregiver. 

But that feeling this morning when I really saw this man leave to go to work despite everything he’s been through. That’s what fuels me. 

It made me realize that even though we always need to clearly know why we are a caregiver we also need the fuel that keeps us going. For me, it’s seeing my husband happy in spite of everything. 

I always wish people could understand what it’s like to be a caregiver so they will support the caregivers in their lives more. However, when I have moments like these I know they are powerful because I acknowledge I will never understand what it’s like to be him. 

I know I am always looking at life through my own experiences and needs. Often I fall into seeing myself separate from the world because being a caregiver is so invisible. However, sometimes I get a reminder that my husband’s life is equally difficult for completely different reasons. Think about your loved one’s life trying to see it from their perspective. Not in a way to minimize what you are going through but in a way to really see them and, most importantly,  to have a better understanding of how important your caregiving is. 

My husband lives with cancer. There is no cure. The doctors actually watch it grow, wait for it to be big enough to make it worth it to remove, and then take him into surgery which always takes three times longer than they say it will, and then leave him to try to put back the pieces of his life to move on with living. 

At least every other year this happens. Sometimes every year. The physical and emotional toll this takes on him is crazy, yet he still left today with a goofy smile on his face to go to work. 

When I noticed him today it didn’t warm my heart out of pity, or even empathy it was just pure love for him. It was a warm moment for me because I know how hard he’s fought to be able to just get up and go. It made me so proud to be his wife, and that is the fuel I need to make it through the doctor’s appointments and scans he has coming up in a couple of weeks. It’s the energy I need to be able to support him while waiting in the oncologist's room to hear what the results of his scans are. It’s what I need to help me show the strength he needs to see so that he knows no matter what comes out in that appointment we will be able to make it through together. 

I saw him today for the person he is. I didn’t just yell, "goodbye have a good day" like I often do. 

When we get too busy with our lives it’s easy to miss these moments that give us the fuel to keep going. Maybe for you, it’s the way the sun shines on your mom’s face as she tries to figure out how to pick up her cup, or it’s how strong your wife is as she sleeps in her chair at chemo. Maybe it’s the sound of your son laughing because you know he’s been having a hard time with his mental health. 

These moments are fleeting. 

They present you with the opportunity to notice them and to enjoy them but they only last for a split second. So if we are too busy being upset about what we have to do today we miss them. If we are too preoccupied with getting dinner finished, we miss them. If we stopped actually listening to the story they tell us over and over again, we miss the moment when for just a second a spark of recognition flickers in their eyes. 

I understand how easy it is to miss the moments because I do it too. There is no need for me to feverishly clean the house the day before my husband goes into surgery if it means I’m making myself too busy to know when he needs me to just sit next to him. 

The moments that matter aren't found while you’re at the sink washing the dishes. They’re found when you take a step back from your busyness and allow yourself to experience life. They happen when you make yourself available to see the person you care for as a person instead of someone you have to do something for. 

I get that sometimes it hurts to do this. Allowing yourself to love someone more, to really see them for the person they are can feel like a lot. Maybe closing yourself off from feeling is the only way you know how to be a caregiver because the alternative scares you. The fear of losing them in the future makes it hard for you to enjoy them today. 

I understand that… but let me ask you this.

Why deny yourself the opportunity to have a moment of intense love for a person that can allow you to be reminded of why you are a caregiver and give you the fuel you need to continue going down this path of life with them?

Being able to soften your heart towards them allows you the strength to care for them. It allows you to actually participate in life instead of just playing a part in it. 

Allowing yourself the opportunity to really see them even if it’s just for a moment can be what gets you through the day, brings a smile to your face, and allows you to love your life as a caregiver. 

Why cheat yourself out of that? 

Thanks for listening.