Episode 139: Gratitude and Thankfulness Don't Have to be Bad Words for Caregivers

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Looking for the Gratitude Sheet download mentioned in this episode? You can download it here.

Transcript

Gratitude is not just a holiday theme. It’s just that the holidays are a time when people are drawn to being grateful for things because they either genuinely want to have a moment of reflection at the end of the year or they feel they should be grateful for something. 

If you’re a caregiver the holidays might not be the best time for you to try to figure out what gratitude means especially if the topic irritates you. If that’s the case you should listen to the last episode which will validate the anger and sadness a conversation about gratitude can cause you to feel. 

However, if you're interested in what gratitude is or how it can be a tool for you to use in your life let’s get into it.

Let’s talk about gratitude.

Gratitude is always THE thing to talk about for the month of November. Once December hits the topic changes to something else. I get it… it feels like everywhere you look someone is telling you how to be grateful or why gratitude should be something you practice. It can feel performative and irritating. 

I love the fact that gratitude gets the spotlight for one-twelfth of the year because I believe it is a powerful practice and it is something I do all the time. However, I think most people miss the mark on their messaging. 

Most times you’re being told that you should be thankful or grateful for things at a time of the year that can feel extremely heavy for you. Maybe you fear this is the last holiday season you will be able to spend with your loved one. Or possibly this year has been such a shit show you don’t think there’s anything you can be grateful for right now. There is nothing wrong with that. 

The conversation about gratitude only showing up for November also sends the wrong message. Sure if you needed a reminder to bring back the practice of gratitude around the holidays it can be great. However, gratitude isn’t a one-and-done kinda thing. You don’t just say what you're grateful for around a dinner table and then never come back to it until next year. Gratitude isn’t something you only think about in November. 

What also get’s lost in the message is gratitude is a practice. You might get the idea that you should feel a profound change when you say you’re grateful for something once. But that isn’t necessarily how it works. If that’s the case it’s very easy to think you’ve done it wrong or it isn’t worth the effort because you thought you’d feel so much better saying you’re grateful for something and you didn’t. 

Here’s the thing… gratitude isn’t standing around the dinner table holding hands with people you haven’t seen in a year, feverishly trying to think up a new thing you can say you’re grateful for because Aunt Mary already took what you were going to say! 

So if that has been your gratitude experience, I’m sorry but that isn’t it.

Here’s what Gratitude is…

Gratitude is a practice that will allow you to see the good in your life no matter how crappy it feels. It allows you to bounce back from negative experiences. It helps you notice the small positive moments in your day and creates small moments that bring light to your life no matter how dark it may feel. 

Gratitude is a practice. It’s something that will take time to become a habit. So in the beginning it’s great to have at least one moment in the day when you plan on participating in some sort of gratitude practice. Just know that you’ll forget or remember you forgot at random times of the day and that’s ok. A practice means you’re always working on it. 

How do you work on it? You try your best to find things you are grateful for and acknowledge when that feeling of gratitude or thankfulness genuinely shows up.

For example… Let’s say someone hands something to you and you say “thank you”. If you were practicing gratitude you would take a moment to really be thankful for it. Thank you can be such a mechanical thing to say. If you are practicing gratitude then simply really being thankful for something when you say thank you can be a great place to start. 

You can also practice gratitude by writing down things you are grateful for. Having a journal by your bed or a place you always find yourself at home or at work is a perfect way to be reminded to write something down each day. Sometimes actually writing something has a more profound effect than just thinking about it. I’ll add a gratitude sheet in the show notes of this episode so you can have something to start with. You can find it by going to the podcast page at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com and search for episode 138

Don’t get caught up in how you chose to start this process because as you continue you might change what you do. If writing it down sounds good then start with that. Don’t wait until you find the right journal or a favorite pen because that will just delay things. Start with a torn-off piece of a paper grocery bag or on a post-it note. Don’t let the planning get in the way of doing. 

Pick something that feels right and doable for you. Maybe you’d like to write what you’re grateful for on a piece of paper and keep it in a bag or jar and then read them after a certain period of time. This is perfect if you’re doing it with your family. Or maybe you know for sure you’d do it if you wrote it down on your phone. Of course, we all have a notes app on our phone so start there while you go on the hunt for that perfect diary app. 

Maybe you want to type it into a spreadsheet on your computer. If that’s your thing then do it because this isn’t a process that has the “right” way to do it. You just have to actually do it. 

Believe me, I know it might feel mechanical at first. When I began my own gratitude practice I’d forget to do it for days and then feel like I had to catch up. Or feel bad that I couldn’t remember to do just one small easy thing. I’d write things down and not really feel a profound sense of thankfulness for it. I promise you as you continue it will become more consistent and over time you’ll notice you have moments of gratitude all day without even trying. 

When I wake up in the morning I instinctually find myself grateful for something. When something positive happens during the day I notice it and acknowledge how thankful I am for it. Gratitude does not need to be complicated. There is nothing too small to be grateful for and you don’t get “extra points” for thinking of something big to be thankful for. 

I know a lot of people in my life think I’m goofy when I actually tell them I’m grateful for something because it’s usually the simplest things. I live in the midwest so I always tell my yoga class how grateful I am that the sun is out in the middle of winter. I’ll get excited that I got all green lights on the way home or… oh my goodness when one of you reaches out to tell me what you think about the podcast I am grateful all week!!!!

It isn’t what you say you’re grateful for. It’s really feeling thankful or grateful for that one thing. In the beginning this might feel a little complicated. So think of one thing you are grateful for right now. You’ll think of something fairly quickly and maybe push it away… it’s ok we all censor ourselves in the beginning, although no one can hear what we’re thinking. Now find that one thing. It can be something as simple as being thankful you woke up in a warm bed this morning. Once you identify the thing you’re thankful for taking just a minute to really feel thankful for it. It may feel a little weird or even difficult to do but over time it’ll become easier. As you continue to practice start to notice the moments you are spontaneously thankful. Maybe you were getting ready to cross the street and a car speeds through a puddle that just misses you. Or you find out that nothing new was found in your loved one’s scans this week. In time you’ll be able to cultivate that profound sense of gratitude with things that feel smaller like dropping an egg and it somehow not breaking. 

Once you get the hang of it, gratitude is what helps you see that there is still good in your life. They might feel like insignificant small wins but when you start to notice them, they start to help you find positivity in a day that would otherwise have felt very negative.

That is one of the most profound effects of gratitude for caregivers. It helps you become more resilient. It gives you the ability to bounce back from the bad moments we have, sometimes all too often. It lets you live in a place of duality. Where you could be having a really bad day but happen to notice the sunset for a few moments and allow yourself to enjoy it and realize that even though things aren’t going well there are still some things that are still really good at the same time.

It gives you the ability to go from… the tumor is still there this is awful what are we going to do! To... the tumor is still there but it hasn’t grown so at least what we are doing isn’t allowing it to grow more right now and that’s a win however small it may feel. 

Gratitude helps you love your caregiving life. I hope you’re able to find your way to trying it when you’re ready. 

Thanks for listening.