Episode 137: The Turbulence of Caregiving

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Turbulence is never a science. You could hear there could be some bumps along that way and on the other end of it realize it really wasn’t anything to worry about. Or the turbulence hits out of thin air and it takes you by surprise. Either way… you’ve learned that there is a certain amount of unpredictability when you fly and you have to chose how you will approach that each time you get on a plane.

 It’s the same when you find yourself on the other end of a conversation with an oncologist when they are in the middle of telling you that your loved one has cancer… isn’t it? No one warned you that there would be a drop in cabin pressure but now anytime you find yourself back in that room with them you’ve already suffered days of anxiety because you know there’s a possibility what they say will cause your world to turn upside down again.

Do you live your life worried about what will happen in the future?? I’m not talking about scans or the cognitive test you need to take your mom to. I’m talking about the way this anticipation can ruin your life in between those appointments. 

 My husband has cancer scans every six months. We do our best to live whatever a normal life is for us at the time and spend some time anxious the week of, day before or morning of those appointments. It all depends on how bad the turbulence was the last time we went in. We have learned that worrying for six months about what might show up at the next appointment means we spend no time actually living. 

 If we spent all that time worrying about what they might find next. Or if a tumor that is being watched is growing in between appointments we find ourselves fixated on the future and allow the present to rush right by us.

 It isn’t easy. I’m not saying it is. However, everything that I find good in life actually takes work. 

 If I spend a good deal of my time worrying about the progression of my husband’s cancer then I’m not enjoying the time I have with him. And just like on the plane he’s always right next to me ready to hold my hand to let me know he’s there for me just as much as I am there for him. Letting someone else know that you are worried or anxious about something helps take the power out of it no matter if it’s on a plane or in life. Sharing can help bring things into perspective.

 It’s so easy to fall into the trap of worrying about things we have no control over… like turbulence on an airplane. 

Question is… does your fixation on trying to prepare for the dips and lows allow you to enjoy your life with your loved one? Or are you simply surviving from one encounter to the other?

I survive turbulence. I might be hot and sweaty after it. I might need a comfort food when I get off the airplane or roll into a ball when I finally get home but I survive it. I have no control over it actually happening and I can chose to let the worry and anxiety control me or I can breathe through it and make it through. I’m no where near being the person who won’t be bothered by it but I won’t let it ruin a flight anymore.

Sometimes we have to go through a few bouts of turbulence in life to figure out how to become more resilient and face them with the strength from knowing we are able to make it through whatever comes next.

 I used to say that being a caregiver is like riding a rickety wooden rollercoaster. You see the hill coming and you just want to jump off before slowly going over that hill… not knowing what’s at the bottom of the next hill. When I think about it now I realize that you can check out a rollercoaster and see where the drops are. You know there’s an end and you’ll get to jump off and laugh about it. I think that can be true about caregiving when you know for certain that something is coming up ahead like a surgery. You know that caregiving is going to get extremely difficult but in time will get better. However, I think the rest of the time it’s more like turbulence. Not ever knowing when something will happen and know that there’s always the possibility of the next thing to be serious can be maddening.

Unlike a rollercoaster, I never get to the end of turbulence and laugh about it. I’m just thankful that we all made it through safely. 

Over the years I’ve had opportunities to figure out what to do when feeling the worry creep up. Maybe I’ve been warned there will be some bumps on the way to my destination or they just show up un announced. When I was younger I would hold on to the armrests… which wouldn’t do much good because they usually raise up and down, and I’d tighten my seatbelt and hope for the best. Over time I created a plan that seems to be working pretty well. 

I have a playlist downloaded to something that will calm and distract me.  I breathe slow and deeply and I have something I say or meditate on during the turbulent times. It may seem like and easy list but there are always times during turbulence when my brain keeps trying to tell me its time to freak out and I constantly have to fight against that fear. 

It’s the same with caregiving…We need a plan that gets us through the difficult days and gives us the strength to pick ourselves up when life breaks us down. We need to have that toolbox put together just like we pack our comfort items and entertainment for a trip because in the heat of the moment when we really need them is not the time to try to figure out what will work. 

We all need a plan for the turbulence so we can work on being more resilient because when the plane drops for a split second we have to figure out if we are going to let that throw us into a spiral of worry or fear or experience it and move on. 

If we can’t move on from the dark and difficult moments in life then we will find ourselves extremely unhappy. If we allow the disappointments that will inevitably happen control our happiness and our ability to enjoy the lives we have with our loved ones we are missing out on what we gave up to be able to care for them in the first place. 

If we waste our days worrying about what might happen in the future we simply aren’t living. 

You deserve to enjoy your life. 

Thank you for listening.