Episode 134: Isn't Caregiving Unconditional?
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Transcript
I don’t know if you know this but you have a quality strengthened by your caregiving that others have to work on to achieve. I believe that once you are aware of this gift you will have a renewed sense of how badass you actually are.
We all need that reminder.
The past two episodes of this podcast have focussed on Lovingkindness meditation. You can go back to listen to them after this and the links will be in the show notes of this episode as well. The purpose of this meditation is to cultivate unconditional love for yourself and others.
You might not know it but you’re probably already a rock star at loving some people in your life unconditionally.
I’m not talking about romantic love here.
Unconditional love is loving someone with no ulterior motive, without expecting something in return from that person. There is no expectation of reciprocity.
You care about a person’s happiness without caring how it can benefit you.
It does not mean you allow unacceptable behavior or abuse from another person. It doesn’t mean you let go of your personal boundaries or neglect your own needs.
It isn’t an excuse to let people take advantage of and run over you.
Doesn’t doing things for a person to help them, make them happy and out of the love we have for them even though we won’t and don’t expect things ever to be even sound familiar?
Isn’t caregiving unconditional?
I’d love to know your thoughts on this and we will certainly be discussing this in the Caregiving Confessions group. So please join if you haven’t.
Unconditional love isn’t about keeping score. It means you don’t get caught up in the way they annoy or frustrate you. You don’t withdraw when you feel you’re not being reciprocated. It’s about showing them love when when your love for them may be weakened by the weight of caregiving.
You don’t hold grudges and you don’t try to change them.
Much of what we do as caregivers is unconditional.
We know that there isn’t a give and take. They need our help and we give it to them. The reason we exist as caregivers is because they need us to be. We will wake up at 2am to make sure they have pain medication after a surgery, help them through physical difficulties, make sure they are fed well, have access to and take their medication and have someone to talk to.
We would do almost anything to help them feel better, to have their conditions and health improve, and facilitate their ability to do things that make them happy.
We don’t do these things expecting of them to do the same.
You do these things because you love them unconditionally. We’re talking about loving them as a human being because romantic love is different and it should be. There should be reciprocity and you do expect some parity between the energy you both give to your relationship.
Caregiving is all about unconditional love.
If you understand that about yourself and acknowledge how important that skill is to have you not only can embrace using it especially on the days that are most difficult, but you can also strengthen it.
Lovingkindness meditation is how you get there.
Caregiving and loving are easy on the easy days. It’s being able to still show up as a caregiver and for love of a person on the days that are most difficult. Unconditional love is about still being able to love them and help them when you don’t really want to. When you’re worn out and tired.
When you feel no one is looking out for you, doing things for you, helping you find happiness.
Unconditional love, just like caregiving, is about showing up when it’s the hardest.
Practicing lovingkindness meditation and reciting the four sentences for yourself is a way to show yourself compassion and allowing yourself to be human, unperfect, flawed and beautiful inside and out.
Practicing lovingkindness with your loved one in mind is how you continue to show up for them as a caregiver.
Four simple sentences.
May they be Happy
May they be Healthy
May they be Safe
May they be At Ease.
You can listen to the last two episodes to learn more about the mechanics and theory behind this form of meditation but today I want you to know that
Unconditional love can be difficult when it is all you have left.
When your parent doesn’t recognize you.
When your child can’t vocalize or process emotions.
When you no longer feel a marital connection with your spouse because of their treatments or disability.
When you love them even when they can’t love you back it breaks your heart and you still have the courage to continue.
Unconditional love is smiling through the 50th time they told you the story about the purple balloon that got away from them in the park when they were 8 as if it’s the first time they’ve told it.
Unconditional love is when you sit in the bathroom with your wife all night as she battles the chemo induced nausea.
Unconditional love is why you stay when your husband doesn’t even recognize you had been married and so deeply in love.
It is why you love your child whole heartedly when you know they might not ever be able to show you that emotion.
That is unconditional love.
You live with it every day.
Sometimes it may be the only reason why you get through your day.
You know that caregiving has the strong potential of breaking you down. Just like anything else, being able to love unconditionally can also become strained and begin to fall apart.
So now that you know you have this awesome ability please consider taking time to make it stronger.
You found unconditional love out of necessity when you became a caregiver. Use Loving Kindness meditation as a way to strengthen it so it can prepare you to be better able to make it through the dark days a lot of us have waiting ahead.
Thank you for listening.
