Episode 133: How to Hack Your Caregiver Happiness
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Transcript
Negative self talk and feeling resentful are all part of the caregiving experience that we’d rather not talk about. Feeling inadequate and constantly going over our mistakes when things go wrong can hijack our day and keep us from feeling happiness.
There is a way to counteract this negativity and bring joy back into your life so you have more of an opportunity to enjoy your life with the person you care for.
Let’s continue this series on Loving Kindness.
In the last episode we went over the first part of the process of lovingkindness. It would be perfect to listen to after this as you’ll have a different understanding of what lovingkindness is.
In that episode I spoke on how caregivers feel a good deal of loneliness throughout their caregiving journey and oftentimes base our happiness on that of the person we care for.
We tend to put off our own happiness for the magical day when everything in life is fixed.
As a Yoga teacher I found the power of Loving kindness meditation to have stronger meaning in my life when I became a caregiver. It helped me find love for myself from within and provided opportunity to find happiness in my life even when caregiving became difficult. As a caregiver I enjoy the Loving kindness practice because it helps me put myself first. Requires no setup, supplies or physical energy to do and I don’t have to sit in meditation to do it.
So what exactly is Loving Kindness?
Loving Kindness or Metta meditation is a practice that focusses on cultivating feelings of kindness and compassion towards yourself or someone else and is not a religious or belief based practice. It helps the person practicing it to soften their heart and open up to feelings of acceptance and affection for themselves and allow them to wish those feeling on to people in their lives.
The more you practice it the better able you are to become resilient, learn to be more compassionate towards yourself and love find unconditional love for yourself and others.
Loving Kindess can be a focus of yours all of the time. Or you can choose to do it over a specific period.
I love coming back to this at the end of the year.
The holidays are difficult for a lot of people but for caregivers I think it’s especially hard.
First we try to do everything perfectly and then feel down when they don’t. We feel pulled in different directions because what family and friends want us to do and what we actually have energy to do are usually not the same thing. It helps me go into the holidays as a more patient person and I can overlook traits of the people I love that become stressful or irritating during the holidays.
Most importantly I am able to be a happier person and more thoughtful caregiver because I am reminded that loving myself is always the first step towards enjoying my life with the people I love.
I have to be honest it’s a sneaky practice.
When I don’t carve out time to sit and practice this I’ll find other times of the day and after a few days I’ll find myself brushing my teeth or washing dishes and running the lines through my head. May I be happy, May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live with ease.
While walking on the street and coming across a person who looks homeless or needs mental health attention I’ll think those sentences for them. When a stranger is snippy with me I do the same. Or when I think of my daughter or look over at my husband who’s sleeping while “watching” a show he’ll swear he’s watching I think these wishes for him and it fills my heart.
Sometimes we need a reminder of the power love has for not only us but the world we live in. Caregiving is rough and we often fall into focussing on the bad that happens. The world can be a scary, sad place but lovingkindness can help us find the good.
So I find myself reciting these four sentences and over a short time my negative responses begin to diminish. The big reactions to things that are really small disappear. Accepting the humanness of the people I love increases and I go through the end of the year feeling the happiness of celebrations and festivities even on years when caregiving is difficult.
There are scientific studies that show people who practice lovingkindness experience
- Reduction in lower back pain and migraines.
- Decreases stress and anxiety
- Result slow the decline of our DNA as we age or as we live with chronic stress
- Can future strong relationships.
I’ll link these studies in the show notes on the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast.
Essentially researchers found that lovingkindness reduces stress and the inflammatory response it creates in your body by allowing you to develop self compassion and see things in a more positive light. This reduction in stress contributes to increased tolerance to pain and decrease biological aging. It has been found to develop compassion and empathy towards other as well as self-love allowing you to make stronger social connections.
So how do YOU do this?
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The November issue of Caregiving Confessions focusses on Loving Kindess for caregivers. It not only breaks the process down for you but there will be a lovingkindness meditation to listen to and a guide to help you get started. There is always a free live session with me for subscribers that will allow you to get answers to your questions in real time. You can subscribe monthly or yearly for a discount at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions
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The easiest way to start is by going through one section at a time. Even I love to focus on a section each week and then on the last week put it all together. Cutting it up in segments makes it doable as it takes less time.
You find your version of of these 4 sentences.
May you be Happy
May you be Healthy
May you be Safe
May you Live with Ease.
You say these to yourself in the first part of Loving Kindess.
Then it follows to a loved one, someone you have neutral feelings towards (like the person you pass everyday on your walk), someone you’re having difficulty with or don’t like, and then to the entire world.
When you’re ready to start you take a few deep breaths and the begin to say the four sentences I gave you or your version of it to yourself. Take a moment in between each sentence and notice if there are any emotions or feelings that start to come up. If they don’t that’s normal and it changes each time you do it. Some days they just feel like words and others they feel so strong.
Just give yourself a minute or a certain number of breaths before you move on to the next sentence. You’re eyes don’t have to be closed but in the beginning it is easier to focus sometimes if they are. You can have the sentences to read in front of you if you’d like. Don’t worry you’ll remember them after the first few times.
Then you move on to thinking these sentences towards someone you love. Take the same pause in between each sentence. You can try imagining them feeling the happiness, health, safety and living with ease as you go through each sentence.
You move on to a person you have neutral or very little feelings towards. This might be someone you see on a regular basis but have never talked to and don’t know. Maybe it’s someone at the grocery store you go to or that you pass when you go for a walk. Sometimes this one is surprisingly powerful. Wishing these things for someone you don’t know is one of the ways lovingkindness allows you to strengthen and create compassion and empathy for others. That is why wishing these things for someone you dislike is difficult. You can choose to skip this or any of these parts on days when you feel you're not emotionally ready to do.
Then you end with thinking it for the entire world. When you are in this part of the process try imagining that your thoughts and love can reach out and touch everyone. Or imagine what a world full of the happiness, health, safety and ease you’re wishing would feel and look like.
When you are done… take a few moments to just sit there and feel.
You don’t have to do this for long periods of time. In fact a study from Stanford University found that just 10 minutes of LKM showed an increase of feelings of well-being. So even those few minutes you have to try this will create a shift and over a few times you’ll start to notice it begins to feel different.
Caregiving is difficult, creates a lot of stress and can make your life feel miserable. Finding easy small ways to enjoy life is essential to continue to care for your loved one and sometimes you have to try a few things before you find what really works for you.
So give this a try. Its quiet possible that something that seems so simple as saying 4 sentences has very little potential for change but I think you might find it has more potential than you thought.
Thank you for listening.
Studies on LKM
Loving-kindness meditation for chronic low back pain: results from a pilot trial
James W Carson 1 , Francis J Keefe, Thomas R Lynch, Kimberly M Carson, Veeraindar Goli, Anne Marie Fras, Steven R Thorp
Meditation-based treatment yielding immediate relief for meditation-naïve migraineurs
Makenzie E Tonelli 1 , Amy B Wachholtz 2
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4109722/
Randomized Controlled Trial of Mindfulness Meditation for Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Effects on Anxiety and Stress Reactivity
Elizabeth A. Hoge, M.D.,1 Eric Bui, M.D.,1 Luana Marques, PhD,1 Christina A. Metcalf, B.A.,1 Laura K. Morris, B.A.,1 Donald J. Robinaugh, M.A, John J. Worthington, M.D.,1 Mark H. Pollack, M.D.,2 and Naomi M. Simon, M.D.1
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3772979/
Loving-Kindness Meditation practice associated with longer telomeres in women
Elizabeth A.HogeaPersonEnvelopeMaxine M.ChenbEstherOrrbChristina A.MetcalfaLaura E.FischeraMark H.PollackdImmaculataDeVivoacNaomi M.Simona
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0889159113001736?via%3Dihub
