Episode 131: Caregiver Strength you Might Not Even Know you Have

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Transcript

This is the last episode of the series of boundaries and I just want to acknowledge that these past episodes may have felt like I was suggesting you do something you can’t. 

Let’s talk about that…

Everything for you is possible. I know this because if you are a caregiver you are able to do hard things. It takes an enormous amount of selflessness to bring a parent into your home to live because they can’t be on their own anymore. 

It takes courage to hear a doctor tell your loved one that they won’t be cured of their disease and will need to learn how to live with it or, worse yet… try to survive it. 

It takes dedication to show up each day when you know being a caregiver is the major cause for your dissatisfaction with life. 

You may not notice it… but you have strength that not everyone has. You continue when others would have just given up and you stay to help your loved one even when you feel like running away. 

You are capable, strong and dedicated to the people in your life that you care for. 

I see that in you. 

So when I sit here and talk to you through this microphone and tell you how to make yourself a priority it is because I know you can. 

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that boundary setting is easy to do. 

It’s not. 

Boundary setting isn’t comfortable at first but that’s ok because if there is one thing I learned from stripping my husband’s drains with out being prepared for it is… we all do things that are uncomfortable. 

I’m not asking you to consider doing something that is impossible to do. 

When I say that setting boundaries for yourself, saying No and finding a moment in your day to simple be still is possible for you what I’m saying is that you are worth the effort this takes. 

When I say that saying good by, in whatever ways feels best for you, to the things, people, way of life you had before you became a caregiver is important because it allows you to embrace the present and stop living in the past it is because I know how much the past can weigh you down. 

You are already carrying the weight of caregiving… you don’t need anything else to carry. 

I get that thinking something is a good idea and actually acting on it are two different things. Setting a boundary for yourself makes you feel a little excited but if only you had the energy to actually think it through. 

Enlisting someone to be your boundary buddy would be great if only you had someone who actually cared. 

What are the reasons you are telling yourself right now that make boundary setting impossible for you to do?

I’m sure not a lot of us have boundary’s set. I have to be honest… while writing these episodes I’ve had to really think back to what lights me up. What are the things I love to do, like to watch, want to read that have nothing to do with caregiving… including this podcast, my coaching program or the digital magazine I create every month? Who am I outside of caregiving. 

I understand that thinking about setting boundaries can feel scary because you have to see who you are outside of caregiving… and for many of us that means we’ll realize that we are lost. 

I’m not talking about boundary setting and sticking up for the things you personally need because it’s the in thing to talk about right now or the next thing on my list of topics. It’s because I know if you can’t begin to think about setting some boundaries for yourself caring for yourself will be very hard to do. 

I talk about boundary setting and learning how to say no because it hurts me to speak to a caregiver and hear them explain why they can’t take a longer drive home from work, a short walk in the morning or meet a friend for coffee. 

The underlying belief is always the same….

They need me. 

They’re right… their loved ones do need them that’s why this is so important!

Doing things for yourself on a daily or at least a weekly basis is not just for you… part of it is for them. If you can’t care for yourself caregiving will break you down. 

I get you’ve heard… over and over again that…

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Put on your life jacket first.

And I have to be honest I roll my eyes at those too because it isn’t that easy and trying to sum up the importance of caring for yourself with a tag line is offensive. It’s a flippant way of telling you to not only do something but also figure out how to do it on your own. 

Sure I can make step by step podcast episodes or videos on my social media sites titled 5 ways to make caring yourself easy until I”m blue in the face. But if we don’t address the why… why is it important but also why is it so hard for you to do… then all of the rest is a waste of time. 

Maybe you think boundary setting or learning how to say no is a waste of time. Maybe you think spending a couple of minutes doing nothing is a waste of time. 

Or maybe you say that to make it easier not to try to do it?

There has to be a part of you that would love to do things that are fun for you to do. Most times when I say that to someone I can see a bit of fear in their eyes because there’s always that what if…

What if I don’t really know who I am anymore?

What if I don’t like to do the things that were fun for me before caregiving?

What if I realize I don’t like who I’ve become?

My answer to that is… what if you finally start to enjoy being you again, whomever that may be now? What if you find one thing that lights you up each day that is just yours? 

What if you were able to enjoy your life a little more and because of it became a happier caregiver?

Sure… people in your life might not appreciate you setting boundaries, telling them you can’t do things they assume you’ll do, and changing the way you live.

I know it’s uncomfortable to not make everyone happy and making people feel put out by the things you choose to do. But you can’t control their reactions and feelings only they can. 

Also, how invested are they in helping you find happiness? 

It’s not impossible to do these things. 

You just have to start to realize how much it is really worth to care for yourself. You have to start believing that you really matter. Your Neds are really important and saying yes to yourself more doesn’t mean you’re saying no to caregiving. 

It means you’re saying no to the things you do to make everyone else happy but yourself. 

Taking a walk, sitting down to start watching that series on TV that you’d always wanted to watch or taking 15 min to doodle on a sheet of paper will not break anything or anyone.  Reading the first chapter of that book that’s been sitting in the corner of your living room for the past 2 years isn’t going to cause your world to fall apart. 

What those things can do is help you find a moment you enjoy just being you, have the first deep belly laugh you’ve had in a long time, or realize you hate the book you’ve been longing to read for years!

Thing is you can’t wait for permission from people in your life to do this. You can’t wait for someone to come along and take you by the hand to show you what to do and how to do it. 

You have to claim this time for yourself, find the people who will support you and seek out the information or the person who can help you put it all together.  

It isn’t easy but just like getting your parent to their therapy sessions, your partner to their chemo appointments, just like making sure everyone is fed and takes their medicine… it’s necessary.

I’m never going to tell you that anything we do or that I ask you to consider is easy. 

What I will tell you is 

I believe you can do difficult things. 

I know you are able to dedicate yourself to things you never thought you’d have to do. 

There will be times when you try to care for yourself and it will end miserably and that is not your reason to give up trying. 

Because… you matter way more than you will ever know. 

Thank you for listening.