Episode 118: How to Make Yourself the Main Character of Your Caregiving Story

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Transcript

You’ve listened to the past two episodes and realize how becoming a caregiver without even really understanding you were and then not getting the chance to say goodbye to your life before caregiving has allowed you to become unhappy and lonely as a caregiver. If you haven’t pause this and go back to episode 116 to listen to those two. 

Now you want to know what comes next. If you now understand how much of a disadvantage you start off with and learned how to identify the things you need to say goodbye to then what do you do next.

Let’s talk about re-writing your caregiving story. 

Understanding who you are right now is the next step toward finding more happiness in life. Maybe when you thought back on your life before caregiving you realized there are things you really enjoyed doing that you’d like to go back to. The things we do for fun say a lot about who we are and how we think of ourselves. Now that you’re a caregiver you might have to get creative at how to fit that back into the life you’re currently living. 

So think about the things that you aren’t ready to let go but maybe have fallen to the wayside since you became a caregiver. Caregiving doesn’t mean you become a completely different person. It doesn’t mean that you become a sad version of who you once were either. It just means that now that your life has changed, your priorities have change and the energy you have to pursue the life you’d like to have has changed so does the way you see yourself. 

In the July issue of Caregiving Confessions the virtual magazine I’ve created there are activities to help you figure these things out. If you’re listening to this with your copy of the July issue in your hands go to the Mad Libs style page. It will help you find the things you loved doing the most and identify the ones you’d like to continue doing, just maybe in a different way.

The July issue of the Caregiving Confessions Digital magazine is focussed on this process. There are activities that will help you grieve the life you used to have and support you in doing this as well as giving you opportunity to go over any questions or concerns in a live session with me next month. If you’d like a digital magazine to help you through this process make sure to subscribe before July 1st at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confesssions.

Once you figure out what you used to like to do and which ones you’d like to do again you need to reassess your goals. What were the goals you were working towards before becoming a caregiver? Where there career goals you were excited about? How about relationship goals? What goals did you have for your personal like and your health? 

These all have probably changed somehow. Maybe you had to leave your job or go down to part time. Or maybe you’re not looking for a promotion because you wouldn’t be able to handle the extra responsibility right now. 

Have you ignored the personal and health goals you had for yourself? Did those daily walks disappear or did your meditation practice get cancelled? Did you stop caring about strengthening or working on your relationship with your spouse? 

These things matter because the goals you have in life are how you usually decide if you are successful. So when your life changes you also need to actively adjust your goals. Maybe working your way up the career ladder isn’t important anymore. Maybe helping your spouse through a year of chemo is. You need to understand these changes so you can align your sense of accomplishment with how you are actually living right now. 

If you knew you were excelling at life when you could wake up and slip on those heels and that sharp dress suit and strut into work but now wear the same pair of sweatpants and stumble into medical centers you won’t feel like you’re making it. But if you realize that just the fact that you’re able to get dressed and find a pair of shoes without loosing your shit in the hall closet is what is a success now then you’ll be ok, maybe even happy with it. 

Maybe there are goals you used to have that you really want to hold on to. Maybe those morning walks were really important to you and you know you’d feel better if you brought that back. Just maybe the goal becomes a slow walk with your parent that is now living with you or a solo walk a couple times a week instead of everyday like before.

Actively letting go of goals that don’t make sense and trying to work in the ones that do is an important part of figuring out who you are now and find ways to not only accept being a caregiver but also loving life as one. 

If you continue to live your life now trying to fit into the things you used to do and the goals you used to have before becoming a caregiver it will be really hard to enjoy life. You’ll only be constantly reminded of the things you can’t do, the goals you can’t achieve when they probably don’t really mean anything in the scheme of things. 

It isn’t fair

It isn’t fair that you even have to rethink who you are and the goals you have for your future. It’s ok to be angry about having to make these changes. It’s normal to find it upsetting to see how things have really changed for you. It might seem like a lot of work at a time when you don’t have any more to give. 

Caregiving isn’t fair and on top of that, hardly anyone notices how much you’ve had to give up. No one pays attention to the things you’ve had to set aside. It might even feel like it’s assumed that you’d completely give up your life to care for this person. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. With a little effort, you can start to understand what really matters to you now, how your goals have changed, and what you find most important at the moment. 

The next important step is to see what you’d like to do for fun now and what new goals you should identify. What does caregiving you actually want? What is achievable for you in the life you’re currently living?

Maybe there are things like, learning how to address the needs and be supportive of your parent now that they have dementia. 

Or creating your own support team so you can focus on what really matters in life right now with the person you care for. Maybe being the best cook your husband has ever known isn’t important anymore and you just want meals to be made for you right now. 

We live in societies that define us by what we do, the moment we make, and the things we own. Caregiving doesn’t help us easily fit into those qualifications. People who aren’t caregivers don’t really understand what caregiving actually is and they don’t value all that we do. So you have to find what being successful means to you. If finally washing your hair at least once a week means success to you then you need to hold on to that. 

When you start to let go of the parts of you that just don’t serve you right now and start to embrace the things you need at the moment you’ll be able to let go of the disappointment that you really don’t have the energy for anyway. It lets you see the things you used to enjoy doing and gives you the opportunity to find ways to reincorporate them into your life in a different way. 

So if you’re tired of being tired and done with being upset your life isn’t going the way you’d expect it to, start with finding out who your are now so you can let go of the things that are holding you back from enjoying the life you’re actually living!

The July issue of the Caregiving Confessions Digital magazine is focussed on this process. There are activities that will help you grieve the life you used to have and support you in doing this as well as giving you opportunity to go over any questions or concerns in a live session with me next month. If you’d like a digital magazine to help you through this process make sure to subscribe before July 1st at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confesssions.

Some suggestions I make in the July issue are easy ways to start to put this all together. Other than the pdfs, journal sheets, and mad libs style pages in the caregiving confessions issue you can also:

1. Take some time to write down the things you do each day including responsibilities, what you do for fun and things you look forward to or have as goals. You might find these are all different than they were before. 
2. Tell someone about yourself or just talk it through. Did you mention you’re a caregiver? If not then retell it and put that fact in there. The more you say it the easier it will be for you to accept it. 
3. Just take time to notice the things you spend your time doing. Maybe write a list of them as you go throughout your day and then at the end of the week take a look and see if what you do tells the same story you are trying to live.
4.  Take time to think of new goals you think are important to work towards and new things you’d like to do for fun. 
5.  Write a story of who you are right now or think it through in your head. What do you do? What’s most important to you right now? 

Sometimes we just need to hear ourselves say things to understand how important or how completely ridiculous they are. 

This might not be something that happens over night for you. You might need to take time to think things through, go through the process of letting go of things that might be hard to let go of and work through any resistance you might feel in accepting your life as a caregiver. However, once you are able to do this, life will begin to feel so much better!

Plus, you’re worth the time.

Thanks for listening!

Here is your free issue of Caregiving Confessions. Enjoy!