Episode 116: Why Becoming a Caregiver is Not Actually Choosing to Become a Caregiver

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Transcript

Do you remember the day you became a caregiver? You probably did’t realize it when it happened but it’s the day your loved one got that diagnosis, was in that accident or when you realized they couldn’t live on their own anymore. 

You probably remember that day in reference to the person you care for. How it changed THEIR lives. How life became scary and difficult for THEM. However, this was also the beginning of caregiving for you. The day YOUR life changed. The day life became scary and difficult for YOU. 

Let’s talk about your life changing without you realizing it. 

Now go back to that day. When they sat you down to tell you and your loved one that the tumor is cancerous or that it’s definitely Alzheimer’s did they stop to talk to you about how you’ll have to make changes in your own life to care for this person and help them get through the treatments or moving our of their home?

When you became a caregiver, odds are you weren’t given a minute or a choice to say yes or no. Something happened to someone you love and you stepped in to care for them without much thought. 

When my husband found out he had cancer the thought never crossed my mind to actually consider if caring for him was what I wanted to do. I didn’t question taking care of him and helping him through life with this disease. However, I also didn’t consciously decide to be a caregiver.

 It just happened. 

Many of us find caregiving this way. We don’t say no to caregiving because we don’t even realize we’re saying yes! So maybe none of us stepped into the role. Maybe it was more like we were pushed?

Not having the opportunity to make a conscious decision to become a caregiver is one of the things that makes it so difficult. If we had a chance to weigh the pros and cons, check in with a person who has already been a caregiver, and google what caregiving would mean for our lives, we would be in a better place to start off. Even though this information would most likely not change our decision, we would have the chance to understand that our lives would be changed forever.

On that day when you sat in the doctor’s office with you and your loved one and they explained what was happening to them they probably gave you lots of information. In that information there were probably some decisions that needed to be made after understanding what was going on. Maybe you both needed to decide if the tumor should be removed or if chemo was a better choice. Or maybe the decision was could they come to live with you or would a facility be better? You were given the pros and cons, advice from the doctor and how each decision would affect their lives. You were given the opportunity to make decisions with and for them that were based on some strong evidence backed information. 

It’s more than likely that the same conversation was not had about you becoming a caregiver. No one pulled you aside to have the conversation with you on how this would affect your life. No decision to be a caregiver was made and there was no information given to help you make that decision. Which is interesting because you are the person who supports your loved one and helps them get to their doctor’s appointments and comply with their treatments. You’re one of the most important parts of their team.

Since you weren’t given the opportunity to at least understand the potential caregiving would have in changing your life you stepped into it unaware of what you were actually doing. What you knew you were doing was being there for your loved one. You’d do it again if you could. There is no way you wouldn’t stay with your husband and help them get through surgery and treatments. There’s no way you would help your mom. You did what was instinctual and felt like the right thing to do. However it would have been better for you to make that decision with the awareness of what it would mean for you.

That awareness would have made a world of difference for all of us. 

Before we became caregivers we lived a particular lifestyle. For most of us, it was comfortable, predictable, or maybe even exciting. We had our routines and our friends. We had plans for our futures and maybe had a good sense of who we were. Maybe we had jobs with companies we were trying to move up in or volunteer work that we were extremely devoted to. Or maybe we were just living our lives with no real plans or goals but just enjoying the day to day normalcy of it all. 

We might have thought our lives were difficult before we became caregivers but now that we look back we might see that it was carefree, obligation-free, or just a lot easier than things are now. If you took time to look back at your life before caregiving you would see your life has changed, maybe drastically.

If you’re ready to take some time for yourself make sure to download the free issues of Caregiving Confessions from my website now. In it you’ll find ten ways to relax in under 5 minutes for free along with some fund playlists to listen to and a calming breathing exercise for those moments you can’t take the stress anymore. Find it at. https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com/downloads

Now back to the episode.

The issue is, that you don’t have the time, or the energy to look back. Sometimes reminiscing is difficult because it highlights what your life is like now. However, if you haven’t noticed your life has changed, that you’ve changed, then there is no way to fully live. 

You know now that when you became a caregiver, things changed for you. You felt it. You experienced powerful emotions like sadness and fear. You had new and very serious things to worry about.

In the beginning you probably made sure the person you care for was able to get the rest they needed and were patient with them as they tried to figure out how to deal with this drastic change in their lives. Maybe you advocated for them to get therapy or tried to set up time for them to do something fun with a friend. Your focus was just on making sure they could get through to the other side of the treatment or surgery or transition that was coming up next for them. 

You could see and understand how this all change their lives. The pain and disappointment they faced was all too clear. The hard decision they might have had to make in deciding how they’d like to treat their disease or attend to their disability was theirs to make. For the most part they knew what was happening and what they’d have to do and give up to do it. 

Yet you didn’t. You didn’t get the opportunity to realize that you were making a life changing decision to become a caregiver. You also weren’t given the luxury to let it sink in over time or have the opportunity to realize what this all means for you.

In next week’s episode I’m going to talk about how you not having the opportunity to at least become aware of what you were saying yes to when you became a caregiver or even the fact you were actually passively making a choice made caregiving extremely difficult for you. 

Without understanding you were a caregiver and what that meant for you, especially at the beginning is why most caregivers have a difficult time with life. If you aren’t aware your life has change then you won’t be able to make the appropriate changes you need to in order to continue finding ways to enjoy your life. 

So come back for the continuation of this conversation next week to learn how to fully accept your caregiving role so you can enjoy life with the person you care for. 

Thank you for listening.


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