Episode 115: Five Ways to Get Out of Your House When You Feel Trapped by Caregiving

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Feeling left out of life is an issue for most of us at some point of us being caregivers. I know for me it was always highlighted at times of change. There’s nothing that can make you feel this way more than in the summer when all of your friends go on their vacations and the family start posting pictures of all the fun things they are doing out in the world. 

Just a picture of a glass of wine in front of a fire can send you spiraling.

Let’s talk about the easiest five ways to get out of your house. 

I get it you leave the house all the time. You take your spouse to their doctor’s appointments or your mom to therapy. 

You and I both know those don’t count. Those aren’t the outing and adventures you really want to be having right now. 

You miss the days when you can plan for vacations. Go out to do something fun on a whim and live a little more spontaneously. However, right now whenever you think about the possibility of getting away in any capacity you feel tethered to your house. 

You’re spouse can’t get out of bed. It takes too much effort to get your mom dressed and you worry your dad will wonder off and get lost if you go out with him. 

So you don’t feel you can get out, you don’t try and you feel stuck. 

Stuck to stay in that house. 

Stuck watching everyone else have fun.

Stuck not having fun.

It’s not a good feeling and we aren’t ever prepared for it.

You aren’t told that part of you giving up a lot of your life to care for someone would mean that you’d feel trapped by the most selfless thing you might do in your life. 

Yes, you love the person you care for. On a good day you would say you’d make the same decision again if you had to and there are no regrets. 

In fact when you feel those twinges of jealousy you might also follow that with feelings of regret and shame for even caring about what other people are doing or for even wanting to have some fun. 

Jealousy is real when you’re a caregiver. There are always opportunities to feel like everyone has a better life than you because caregiving isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that your loved one needs you to care for them. It isn’t fair that you had to step away from life goals and aspirations in order to care for them. It isn’t fair that you don’t get the support and help you deserve. With that unfairness come multiple ways to be jealous of the people that seem to be living the life you always planned on. 

Just because you don’t usually regret becoming a caregiver doesn’t ever mean that your caregiving isn’t difficult. What it means is you have a strong sense of duty, devotion and love for the person you are caring for. That does not, however, negate the fact that you also need to live. 

For us, truly living is problematic. We are sidelined by the guilt and shame just thinking about doing something for ourselves can cause. When we strive to make changes in our own lives for the better we quickly deny ourselves that time when any need arises for the person we care for. We prioritize the care our loved ones need at the detriment to our own health and well being. It just seems to be in our DNA to operate on empty. 

So when you look at the videos on social media of your friends trip to Paris or your sister tells you about how fun it was to get out to the beach over the weekend what you feel is all wrapped into a confusing jumble of emotions all tied into the fact that you have not been able to get away. 

Now vacations are not meant to fix things per sea. Oftentimes when we are able to get away we come back even more bitter than when we left because being away didn’t change what we were coming back to. So a week at a beach isn’t going to change the fact that you will still need to change your mother’s diapers when you get back home. The escape you experience when you are away can be very helpful if you have the right expectations set. So if you can go on that trip do so in an effort to let go of the obligations you normally have during the day in an effort to give your body and mind a break so you can go back to caregiving recharged. 

Sure, I get that many of us won’t be able to go on European vacations or weeklong beach vacations. Travel is expensive and being away for long periods of time might not be possible for you right now. That does not mean you can’t take a vacation. 

What do we know about vacations? We are usually excited to go on them. We plan on having very little obligations and responsibilities. It requires us to go to places we haven’t ever been to or that we at least aren’t usually at in our everyday life. There are particular scents and tastes that will always remind us of the trip. 

If those are the usual requirements for something to feel like a vacation then it is very possible to go on one without having to travel far. 

Here are five ideas on how to get out of the house this spring and summer for a little mini vacation.  

Before we start please keep in mind that these are all doable but will require you to strongly hold on to prioritizing yourself. It’s ok to feel weird about it and for you to feel that it isn’t worth the guilt you feel even thinking about it. Maybe right now isn’t the time for you to go on a mini vacation. Maybe you have to listen and just know there is a possibility of you do something in the future and then come back to these ideas when you finally feel ready. Depending on the type of caregiving you give you may need to find someone to watch your loved one while you’re gone. I get that this can be enough to make you give up the idea altogether. However, anytime you go on a trip or vacation there are things you need to set up at home for you to be able to go. If you were leaving kids behind you’d have to find someone to watch over them. Same thing if you had a pet. So finding someone to help with your loved one is to be expected if you aren’t taking them with you and I would urge you to consider doing some of these on your own if you can. Sure taking them with you can be fun but I think you deserve some time in the world on your own and not feeling responsible for anyone else. 

So with that in mind let’s start planning the fun

Go for a walk somewhere you’ve never been (exploring is part of vacationing)

For me there always seem to be two different kinds of vacations. One’s where you don’t really go anywhere but your room to a beach or pool and back and others when you spend all your time exploring and walking around. I find it exciting to go on those walking vacations. Sure our feet always hurt at the end of the day and we are exhausted but the thrill of exploring makes it all worth it. 

Walking through cities and finding cute shops, learning about their culture and tasting new food is the drive for these vacations. You can have the same experience closer to home. 

There has to be a part of town or another town nearby that you haven’t really explored. Maybe there’s a place that has a huge farmers market you’d always wanted to visit or a street of cute shops you always wanted to explore. If you don’t have one in mind you can do a quick search online for something like best places to visit in your state or town. Something should show up. Or you can go to the travel website for your state and do your search there. 

Feel like you have to plan for it? Or does it make you a little nervous? Of course that’s what a vacation is all about. Getting out of your comfort zone by going places that aren’t in that little bubble we all live in. Find that one shop, market, sight to see and from there be open to being spontaneous. When I go traveling I don’t plan out the whole day. I have a destination or experience in mind and stay open to stopping at places on the way. So if there’s a pie shop or fruit stand on the way to where you’re going or you happen to notice a street performer or festival you didn’t know about it’s ok to stop and enjoy it.

Get out in the sun with the scents and tastes you’d look forward to on a vacation away from home.

I always equate beach vacations with tastes and smells and sounds. I love the tropical smell of sunscreen, the taste of whatever coconut food or drink I eat and the sound of water and people. So if you want to bring some of that beach vacation to you at home you have some options. If sitting in a chair drinking a tropical drink and reading a book is your dream vacation then you can find ways to make that happen. You can simply pick up that sunscreen or lotion that has that beach smell to it along with the ingredients for that drink and make your way outside on a sunny hot day. Where you go is up to you. It can be on the front step of your house, laying in the grass or you could even buy a cheap kiddie pool and fill it with water to sit in. 

My rule is… if it feels like fun then it isn’t ridiculous. 

Do something you don’t normally do for fun and consider taking your loved one with you.

Vacations are all about trying new things. So what not take a mini vacation near home by doing something you don’t usually do. Maybe you never go to the movies, or have never been to a farmers market. Find something that might seem like fun that you might have never tried. Take a look at highlights for your town or state online and see if there’s something that might seem touristy that you’ve never been to. I find that a lot of people who have lived in the same city for most of they life find it hard to go to new places because what they’ve always done has always been good enough. So take some time to explore the city you live in and do something completely different. It could be as simple as going to a restaurant down the street you’ve never been to or going to a museum you didn’t even know existed until you looked. 

Go away for an overnight trip.

This one might feel little uncomfortable to even think of but take a moment to consider it. Go on a trip away overnight. Now that trip can be to the closest hotel, bed and breakfast or house rental. The important thing is that it’s overnight. 

Maybe there’s a weekend art retreat you’ve always wanted to go to or there’s a cute part of town you would love to hang out at. Or maybe your idea of a vacation would be to sit in your pajamas for 24 hours, eat whatever you’d like watch a  movie with no distractions and sleep for as long as you want. If so, then this might be the one that suits you. 

If you’d like something fun to read make sure to download the free issue of Caregiving Confessions from my website at loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions. You’ll find a link to a free music playlist, a calm breathing activity as well as ways to relax in 5 min for free. So download it at loveyorucaregivinglife.com/confessions

Take that with you on your over night trip and make sure to find that place you’ll love staying in, make plans for dinner and what you’ll do for fun and book it! 

Meet a friend for a meal at a new restaurant.  

Oftentimes what we really miss is connection with people we used to see more often before caregiving. Friendships can become really strained when you are a caregiver especially since some of our friendships are based on going out and doing things together. So if you are still friends with that person you’d meet for dinner or coffee then this is the time to make plans with them. 

This may feel like the least of the vacationesque ideas but going on a vacation usually allows for you to strengthen the connection you have with the people you are traveling with. Why not take some time to connect with someone who cares about you and work on that friendship that might have been set aside for too long. 

I get that even listening to these ideas can cause you some stress. They may feel completely out of the question. If so it could be true. Maybe your parent has been in hospice and you only have days or possibly there’s a big surgery coming up for your husband. If timing isn’t right then plan a little further out or at least keep the possibility of going on a short vacation near home in mind. 

Why?

Because the one thing that might be most important in all of this is finding yourself. When you have to make your own decision about what you’ll do for fun, how you feel when you are on your own or in a place that is foreign to you causes you to start to understand who you are and what you really need. You deserve the chance to experience that especially if you are to be a caregiver long term. 

Could things go badly? Sure, but we’ve all heard of bad vacation experiences haven’t we? Did that ever stop those people from trying again? Probably not.

So plan those vacations. Commit to at least trying and when you get back make sure to email me about it or tag me on your social media posts. There’s nothing better than being able to see a caregiver trying to find their way to caring for themselves in spite of the difficulty of caregiving. 

I look forward to hearing from you. 

Thank you for listening.