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You’re a spousal caregiver and you feel lonely even though you live and care for your spouse or partner. Caregiving has confused the simple loving relationship you both once. You miss going out and having fun together but now you feel the connection has been lost. Just like spotty wifi sometimes it connects but most of the time you’re just waiting for it to work again. 

Let’s talk about going on dates when you can’t leave. 

Not being able to leave your house to go do something fun together can mean a lot of different things. 

Maybe you are physically able to leave your house but it’s just too difficult to do for something like a date and you reserve the energy it takes to go out when you absolutely have to. Your loved one might have Dementia or Alzheimers and going out might not be easy to do. Maybe there is a physical or cognitive disability that makes it feel impossible to plan to leave the house even though it is technically possible. 

Possibly your loved one can leave the house but their immunocompromised and it just isn’t worth the risk to go out on a date. Or maybe your loved one can’t physically leave their bed let alone the house. 

A lot of you have very good reasons not to leave the house to go out as a couple. It’s not logistically possible or at the very least extremely difficult to do. 

Now I’m not going to talk today about relationship issues. We all have them and stress only magnifies the cracks in a relationship. This episode is for spousal caregivers who want ideas on how to reframe their relationship and find ways to connect with their loved one again. 

I know all too well how easy it is to fall into caregiving 100% of the time and a spouse close to none of the time especially when caregiving is difficult. Turning off that caregiver switch can be difficult to do. However, if you really miss doing things with your spouse or partner it isn’t impossible to do. 

Here’s why.

You still love them. That’s why it hurts to see them go through life as they are right now. It’s why you are so scared of losing them. 

It’s why you stay to care for them. 

Let’s get serious for a moment before we move on to the fun. 

First you have to accept that things are different now between the two of you and working on your relationship is actual work. There may be a pride issue you have to overcome. If you’re thinking he or she should be the first one to make an effort you’ll have to put that aside. If you’ve been caregiving for any amount of time you know things are hardly ever fair or equal anymore. This isn’t saying that they can’t make an effort it’s saying that you would really like to do things with them that don’t involve blood draws and CT scans. So you’re going to work on changing the way things are right now. Are you taking on the burden of trying to keep the relationship alive - yes and it isn’t fair. But aren’t you two a team? Don’t you advocate for them, make sure they are cared for, listen to their fears and doubts, make sure they have drs appointments and get to them? Aren’t you the one that makes sure they have the support they need in living with what life has thrown at them? Don’t you do this all while they work to survive, to heal, to learn how to live with this drastic change in their life? We all have our roles that we assume as caregivers and as the ones being cared for. All of our caregiving relationships look different. But the thing that is always the same is that we exist as caregivers to assist our loved in life and in living it. So if you do all of that, why wouldn’t you also be willing to work at strengthening your relationship? It’s not what is needed right now to keep them alive, you might say. Or maybe you are just too tired to even care anymore. Or they don’t look at you the way they used to so why try? 

Why try? Because both of you have to work harder to find the good in a world where everything’s scary and life threatening and if that can be your love for each other you can make it through almost anything with the confidence that at least one person in this world has your back. That you have something to live for.

Connecting with the person you care for on a human level is important and often pushed aside for the things that feel more important at any given time for a caregiver usually when both of you actually need each other the most. 

So let’s get on with how you can make that happen. 

How can you have a fun date with each other when leaving the house can be difficult or impossible.

First let’s start off with a reminder that any attention you give or get is enough and will feel good and that things will be different. If you can accept that have a great time is possible. 

First I’d like for you to think back on what you both used to do when you were a new couple. Were you the dinner and a movie type. Was comedy your thing or dancing? Did you take long walks in the park or go to restaurants. What did your dates look like when you were first getting to know each other? Think of it for a moment.

Now think back to your life right before things changed. Right before the signs of dementia started to show up or before they were diagnosed with a disease. Right before the accident that disabled them. I think a lot of us have that year before things all went to crap etched into our brains. The freedom we had. All the things we could do without worry. 

Think back to that time and try to remember what you used to do for fun. Sure you just thought of what you did while you were first dating but as you become more comfortable with each other the things you do for dates changes. The more time you spend together and the more comfortable you are in the relationship the more the things you did for fun change. 

Maybe by then you didn’t go out much especially if you had kids to care for and careers you were both pursuing. However, there had to have been at least a couple of things you did together for fun. Maybe you watched movies at home or grabbed coffee every Sunday. Whatever it was think of it for a moment. 

Notice how the things you did when you were first dating and the things you did together right before you became a caregiver are different. So this will be different as well. You’ve both changed and so has your relationship.

The focus is on finding the middle ground. The thing you can do that is actually possible with an infusion of something you would love to go out to do that both of you would enjoy.

When my husband had his first cancer surgery we went from going out every weekend doing multiple things together to not going out at all, anywhere. His recovery was painful and he slept a lot in the very beginning while I pulled my hair out trying to figure out how to handle being a caregiver. 

Once we found our way out of the fog of exhaustion we found we needed to do something other than just sit on the sofa next to each other and fall asleep in shifts. So we found ways to do things that were substitutes of what we used to go out to do.

We have always been movie goers. In fact our first date was at a movie, I’m pretty sure it was Die Hard. So we started having sofa dates. We would find a movie we both wanted to see and watch it. When we got bored with that we realized we missed going to comedy clubs. So we got on YouTube and found comedians to watch (mostly because we’re talking 2013 and streaming Netflix wasn’t a thing and Hulu or Amazon Prime Video didn’t exist yet) 

We found the things we used to do for fun together and found a way to do it at home. 

Maybe you’re saying, we sit on the sofa and watch tv all the time. How is that special. 

That brings me to the next point. YOU have to MAKE it special. 

You can’t just sit down next to them to watch tv and then get upset when they fall asleep. You have to ask them out on the date. You need to set the intention for that time. 

There’s lots of different ways to do it, but you can just simply tell them that you miss going out to the movies and thought it would be good if you could have a movie date at home. I mean personally movie dates are awesome. You can pause it to go to the bathroom or get a popcorn refill. You can talk (if that’s your thing) and sitting on the sofa is so much better than a movie theater chair!

So set up the date. Talk about what movie the two of you want to watch. Plan the snack situation and where you’re going to watch it. Put on your clean sweats, put the phones off to the side and press play. The best part of movie going is that you laugh and cry together while watching the same thing. You’re sharing an experience which really helps both of you connect in a very fun easy going way. 

No matter what you decide to do you have to set the mood. 

Let’s take a special dinner for example. 

Maybe your loved one is bed bound and you both really loved going to a local restaurant. Why not have that dinner date at home? Food delivery is so readily accessible these days but if it’s a place that doesn’t do delivery call to order for a pick up. If that is not possible then move on to the next favorite place. 

Talk to your spouse and invite them to a dinner date. It doesn’t have to be weirdly formal. It can be as simple as “hey you know that place we used to like to go to? I think we should order from them for dinner tomorrow and have a dinner date in bed. Sound good?” 

Maybe that sparks a conversation on where they’d really like to order from and you might take that personal but is that really a departure from the way things you to be? It can take my husband and I a whole afternoon to decide where to order from sometimes. Just remember relationships are all about compromise. 

Once you pick the place decide when you want to have dinner and on that day sit with them and go over the menu. Pick your meals and place the order. 

Here’s how you make this different than just sitting with each other in bed eating dinner. You set the scene. Maybe there is a table cloth or another sheet or blanket you can put on the bed to make it all different. You can plan on moving all of the food onto plates but it isn’t necessary. Sometimes eating straight from the take out container can feel fun. You can both change your clothes if that helps make it feel special. 

Decide if you’ll have something on tv or if it’ll be off and this will have to be a decision both of you make because if you were mobile and had the choice to go to a movie theater that sells food or a restaurant with no movie you would both talk it out. But do it before dinner starts. There’s no reason to ruin a good dinner with an argument over if the TV will be on or not. 

Enjoy your meal together as you would if you went out to eat. Talk about your meals. Share tastes of each others food. Talk and interact. Ask them questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. And be ok with it feeling awkward especially if you haven’t done something like this together in a long time.

When you’re on these dates try to stay out of your head. Mindfulness is difficult, I know. But if you spend all of this time worrying about their health or what would happen if things took a turn for the worse or the medical bill you have to figure out how to pay they will know. It’s very hard to hide when you aren’t paying attention to what is happening right in front of you. So really make the effort to focus on enjoy that time with them and not thinking about something else for that short period of time. 

Now don’t forget to end the date!

You can’t just turn off the TV and go to bed. You can’t take all the dishes to the kitchen and then go straight to washing clothes and picking up because that would be super weird if you did that at a movie theater or restaurant. Talk about what you thought of the movie or the dinner. Ask them how they liked it. Have a short conversation about what just happened. 

Then look them in the eye and tell them how you feel. If it was fun for you, tell them. If you enjoyed doing it and want to do more things like that, tell them. If you are thankful, tell them. Don’t assume they know. Your words mean so much to them. 

Then take a personal minute and notice how you feel. Not how you feel in relation to how you would have felt if you could have actually left the house to do it. Not in comparison to anything you used to do. Just simply did you find any happiness? If so really allow yourself to feel it and remember it so the next time you have more of an inventive to make another date work. 

I want you to consider doing this without any expectations other than to make an effort to spend time with them. No expectation of it being easy at first. No expectation of having the offer rejected. No expectation of having this one moment heal your relationship or lead to physical intimacy. Expectations will stop you from putting yourself out there and can make a wonderful moment feel like a let down. 

It’s just a date between two people who really know each other and have become a little lost. This is just to be reminded of how much you both love each other. It’s not the time to decide to hash out issues, air how you feel your relationship is going or tell them you need couples counseling. 

This is simply spending some time with the person you love because you enjoy them and miss doing things like this with them.

So think of one thing right now that you’d be interested in trying to do. Even if they can leave the house sometimes staying in makes things a lot easier and more comfortable. 

Write it down, talk to them about it, ask them on the date. However, you can commit to doing this do it… today. And when you try to talk yourself out of it remember, you do deserve to love your life in spite of being a caregiver. 

If it helps, send me a message with what you plan on doing and I’ll follow up with you to help keep you accountable. You can email me at [email protected]

Thanks for listening.

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