Episode 104: ALZ the Cupcakes

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Episode 104 Transcripts

[00:00:00] Charlotte: Welcome, to love your caregiving life podcast. I'm your host, Charlotte let's begin

Today. I have Tracy Noonan on the show. Tracy is the CEO and co-founder of Wicked Good Cupcakes. She started that business along with her daughter in their Boston home kitchen. The company now nine years young has grown to be nationally known multi-million dollar online. I gifting brand thanks in part to an appearance on ABC's Emmy award-winning show Shark Tank and subsequent deal with shark, Kevin O'Leary. The year following their [00:01:00] unbelievably successful shark tank appearance, not one, but both of Tracy's parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And to that Tracy's father-in-law was battling stage four, stomach cancer. Tracy and her husband, Scott, made the decision to move all four parents into their home in an attempt to care for them all while navigating the rapidly moving waters of a successful startup. 

In our conversation, Tracy, candidly shares the frustrations, sorrow humor, and love that accompanied this unique, stressful and fulfilling chapter in her life. Tracy also tells us about some exciting projects that she's working on to help support the Alzheimer's community and speak so caregivers can understand they are not alone and what they are living through.

Here's my conversation with Tracy. I have Tracy Newnan with me here today to have a caregiving conversation. Thank you Tracy, for being here today. How are you?

[00:02:01] Tracey: Hey, Charlotte. I am great. Thank you so much for having me. 

[00:02:04] Charlotte: Oh, thank you so much for being here. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Tracey: Sure, sure. So, um, Let me see where to start. I don't want to bore to death your audience. So the later ends of my life in 2011, my youngest daughter, Dani and I, both of us just high school graduates. And I can talk a little bit more about that down the road. Um, started a business in our home kitchen. It was really interesting. 

[00:02:39] Tracey: At the time I was writing and was trying to develop a career as a screenwriter and. noticed that my daughter, Dani had, had been struggling. Her personality was off. She's the youngest of all my kids. I have three children and she's, she's my unicorn. Right? She's my artist. She's my [00:03:00] photographer. She's the one who just, wasn't a great student.

Like me. Hated math, and it was really just a happy, bright child. And for some reason, unbeknownst to us at the time, she became very dark and very closed and closed off from us, which as you know, as a mom is concerning. So she had a boyfriend at the time and nothing against him, but the two of them together were kind of toxic.

Like they just weren't. A, good match and she was moving out of the house to move in with him. And she was still very young at the time. So of course I was concerned. So out of nothing more than desperation, I started to ask her to do activities with me. I wanted, uh, to kind of light her fire. She was in college at the time and dropped out with one class left to graduate, which was also very concerning.

So now I have this kid who I don't even know anymore. She's dropped out of school. She has no direction. What am I going to do? 

[00:04:02] Charlotte: Right. 

[00:04:03] Tracey: So I asked her to take a cake decorating class with me. We both were fans of the show, ACE of cakes. We love to, you know, sculp or artistic, and I thought, you know, we'll do cake decorating and cupcakes at the time were really.

 So, um, thankfully she agreed. So she had moved out. We met once a week, we went to these, uh, cake decorating classes and really enjoyed ourselves. And what happened was we started to take pictures and post on Facebook, what we were doing and how friends and family started to order from us.

So we have this nice little business going. During this time. She became busier, her boyfriend at the time didn't like that. So they split up and she moved back home. So that was a huge plus. 

[00:04:48] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:04:49] Tracey: You know, you know what I mean? Now I have her on the roof and I can really like an eye on her and come to find out, uh, Dani was diagnosed with bipolar two disorder.

So. [00:05:00] There, it was, there was a reason that she was just falling apart and not handling things well and, and not able to get out of her own way. 

[00:05:08] Charlotte: Right. 

[00:05:09] Tracey: The combination of, of work and medication really helped her and she began to really throw herself into our little business. Well, it got to the point where we needed to open up, open up are legit bakery. Two of us just had high school education, no formal culinary training. We were just using recipes that were my grandmothers. We had no money, but my husband was supportive. So he gave us $30,000 to start and that had to cover everything from. You know, build out to buying our dry goods supplies, and then running this business.

[00:05:49] Charlotte: Wow. 

[00:05:50] Tracey: Yeah, not a lot of money if you've ever started a business. And he said to us, that's it sink or swim. So we started the business in October of 2011. We [00:06:00] opened the doors to our Wicked Good Cupcakes shop. It was in Cohasset, Massachusetts, and, from day one we had a line out the door.. 

[00:06:08] Charlotte: Wow. That's amazing. 

[00:06:10] Tracey: The first year and a half that we worked, neither of us took, any pay. All the money that we were to earn, went back into the business.

Again, long story short, we, we had the opportunity. Through a website, my husband's company built for us to ship to people, but shipping cupcakes is difficult. Right. They're perishable. They're delicate. How do you do that? Yeah, so I started to order from every major business that was shipping cupcakes to see what their packaging was like, what the product arrived like, and we just weren't happy.

One night, my husband's watching television. He's doing some work in the background. I think he had the food network on and it was a show about canning. And he came up with the idea of putting the cake, frosting [00:07:00] everything into a Mason jar and shipping it that way. Which of course I thought was the dumbest idea I heard initially.

 I appeased his whims and, um, we made some cupcake jars and sent them to friends and family across the country, sort of like a little beta test and asked them what they thought of it. We asked them to take pictures of how it arrived. Would they send it as a gift? Did they like the idea? How was the cake?

All of that. And the six family members were all unanimous. Loved it. So we thought, okay, this is how we're going to ship. And our goal was to sell $3,000 worth of this product to pay our rent. And then the bakery, the rest of everything we were doing, the bakery would be, um, gravy, so to speak. Well, it's so happened in December of 2011 that, uh, communications professor was given two of the jars and she, [00:08:00] she went through Logan airport in Boston, got the jars on the plane. Okay. But coming home, she had one jar left that she was going to eat and McCarran airport, the TSA there stopped her and confiscated the jar. Oh, she, um, asked the TSA agent if she could take a picture and she took a picture of him holding the jar and she wrote this blog and it went viral. Overnight Dani and I were deemed a national security threat, the TSA took tons of heat.

We were getting calls from press all over the globe. Late night talk show hosts were making fun of it. Like it was a thing. Catapulted us and people started to order and started to reorder. So here we are, we now have a product that people are buying. We're seeing proof of concept. We're getting reorders.

So in April of 2012, I applied to shark tank and, got on shark tank. We aired in April, uh, 2013. Our initial deal with Kevin O'Leary was he gave us [00:09:00] $75,000 and we were to give him a dollar a jar until the $75,000 was paid back. Then the price dropped down to 45 cents a jar in perpetuity.

We paid him back that $75,000 in six weeks. 

[00:09:14] Charlotte: Wow. 

[00:09:15] Tracey: We did a quarter of a million dollars worth of business the four days following our airing on shark tank. Okay. There was no looking back, like we were insanely busy. It was crazy. Okay. So I've set, I've set that up, right? You have a business. It's it's doing great.

We're now into, uh, 2014, uh, we've air 2015. Shark tank gives us our first of six updates. We had six updates, like wow, absolutely loved us and were very, very good to us. My husband and I are living in Boston. We're in the north end, which is Boston's little Italy. I'm walking down the street. One day, I get a call from my youngest brother who says to me, [00:10:00] uh, are you ready for this?

Mom, fell into the dead sea in Israel, almost drowned and she's in the hospital. Wow. And I was like, what? We didn't know she was going to Israel. Um, now she's in a hospital there and I can tell you all about that experience. My parents lived in Florida. They moved down to Florida many, many years prior to this.

And really my parents were not warm and fuzzy. So it wasn't like my mother was calling every week or we had these conversations where we could hear that there was an issue. 

[00:10:35] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:10:35] Tracey: Um, but now she's in Israel. My father starts calling my brother saying. Your mother is in jail. We have to bust her out. We need to like, we need to get the army like talking crazy, but now we know something's wrong.

Go to Florida check-in on my dad all while we're trying to get my mother back from Israel and the house is a disaster. If I tell you these are [00:11:00] two meticulous people who their grooming, the care of their home, everything was impeccable. Food in the fridge is expired. My father doesn't even know how to make a sandwich.

He doesn't know where my mother is. My mother goes to Israel with a church group and takes one change of clothes. Doesn't bring her medication. Wow. Their bank accounts have been drained. They no longer have prescription drug coverage. They're paying $800 a month at the low local supermarket out of pocket for their prescription.

[00:11:32] Charlotte: Wow, 

[00:11:33] Tracey: No bills are being paid. Money is hidden all over the house. It was like a disaster. Bam, all of a sudden. So we work with, um, we work with the Israeli hospital. We get my mother home to Boston. She's not going back to Florida. We get my father to up to Boston. He's not going back to Florida any, and I fly to Florida clean up the house, sell the house and we [00:12:00] put my parents into assisted living.

Still not knowing yet what really is going on. In the meantime, we find a neurologist and we bring my dad in first. And the neurologist comes back with your father has Alzheimer's disease. Okay. This is starting to make sense. You know, when we were down in Florida to cleaning out the house, now all of a sudden the neighbors are coming over and telling us, oh yeah, they'd drive around and they'd get lost and they'd call us.

They didn't know where they were or, oh yeah. Your dad went to the bank every day and took money out and oh yeah. So all of these pieces of starting to fall together. Um, assisted living does not work out. They were just too far gone. It was to the point where we were getting phone calls everyday, like, I don't know how to turn the TV on.

I don't know where this is. I don't know how to do this. They're leaving the iron and plugged in. So no, no, no. 

[00:12:50] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:12:51] Tracey: So my brothers and I sit down, I have two brothers younger than me. We sit down with our, our spouses and we have a conversation and my [00:13:00] husband and I reluctantly. Offer to take them and to live with us because the thought at that point of putting them in a nursing home just didn't work.

It just didn't seem right. And we didn't know, you know, of course right now, my mother has not been diagnosed with anything. We really don't know what's going on with her. She's not as bad as my dad and she's still able to drive. 

[00:13:26] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:13:28] Tracey: Let's move him into our house. So we get rid of our place in Boston. We moved back to the suburbs and we buy a 7,000 square foot house to move my parents in.

And the way the house was configured, it actually worked out really well. 

[00:13:44] Charlotte: So you just were on shark tank, everything exploded for your business. And then how, what was the time in between that happening and you finding out your mom was in Israel?

[00:13:56] Tracey: 2013 we air., 2014, we get our first update… 2015 my parents that January, my parents had moved in with us. So in 2014, 

[00:14:06] Charlotte: So, within two years. Okay. Okay. 

[00:14:10] Tracey: So now my parents are living with us. We make an appointment with the neurologist. Sure enough. My mother also has Alzheimer's. 

[00:14:17] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:14:18] Tracey: So now I have two parents with Alzheimer's. We've moved them in. We are getting them set up. My husband's Scott's mother and father lived in Stove, VT. We're in Massachusetts, his dad was diagnosed with stage four cancer and didn't have much time left and his mother was just completely unable to do anything on her own. 

[00:14:38] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:14:39] Tracey: So we made the decision to move them in with us as well, because there's no way we can run this business, go back and forth to Vermont for doctor's visits.

It was just impossible. So here we are. We have four adults in different stages of, decline or disease who are living with us. [00:15:00] And it's a really interesting time, I think because I I'm in my late fifties. I still have a daughter who needs some tending to some care and some help. But now I have parents who themselves are like children, and we're kind of stuck in the middle, like that classic sandwich generation, who has people on either side who need help.

And aside from the fact that it's exhausting, it's emotional. It's, it's frightening. It's frustrating. Okay. We could go on and on it's expensive!

[00:15:42] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:15:42] Tracey: It's expensive. The two years, my parents lived with us, my husband and I spent out of our retirement over $260,000. Caring for my parents. 

[00:15:53] Charlotte: That's crazy. 

[00:15:55] Tracey: I just can't even. Absolutely insane.

[00:16:00] Charlotte: So, when you brought your parents into the house, did you already have some kind of experience with other family members having Alzheimer's? Did you ever have anyone kind of sit you down and say, look, this is what these are the steps you need to take in the very beginning with their finances, with paperwork, with understanding what this process is going to mean for you guys? Or were you just, you just threw yourself into it and just learn things on the way.

[00:16:31] Tracey: So great question, um, threw ourselves into it, move them in, but then hired, a family planning attorney who at least figured out the money aspect. So aspects of things, because here's a really important thing to remember. When you need to apply for state care. My husband and I could not afford $12,000 per parent plus.

[00:16:57] Charlotte: Right

[00:16:57] Tracey: To put them in private care to take care of them. We just couldn't, we couldn't do it. So we needed to get them back on to a Medicare plan. 

[00:17:07] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:17:08] Tracey: They needed their insurance for prescriptions again. We needed help. We had to hire, we personally hired, in-home help and paid in-home help out of our pockets for five days out of the week. So I could at least go to work sometimes. So the biggest thing we learned was to have a separate account and not commingle funds because you're dealing with social security.

[00:17:30] Charlotte: Yeah.

You're dealing with the state. You're dealing with all kinds of agencies who literally, I'm just going to say it or waiting for you to fuck up. And they're going to come after you looking for you to pay for everything. Quite honestly. I love my parents, but I was not responsible for the mistakes that they made and the things that they did wrong and the money they spent.

 I took my parents and, and to be perfectly honest, when I was 20 years old, I got pregnant and my parents threw me out of the house. 

Okay. 

[00:18:09] Tracey: That feeling of resentment really followed me. And honestly, should I have been able to let go of that? Probably. But now here I am. I should be in the prime of my life. I have an exciting business that's growing. We're doing tons of television, tons of media interviews where I'm doing public speaking. I'm traveling. My daughter's traveling. And all of that is just like overshadowed by this position that I have now been thrust into as a caregiver. 

[00:18:46] Charlotte: Yeah, because you didn't ask, you didn't ask for it.

And you were in this place that almost every woman at that age would have wanted. You, you were able to find something to do with a child that really needed your attention. That was ready to leave the house. Just out of trying to do something as a mom found this fun thing to play on her strengths and things that you thought would be ways you can connect. That turned into this huge business that blossomed and grew probably more than you even imagined when you were sitting under your kitchen. So all of these things are going a hundred percent for you, you know. With also you probably thinking you still need to kind of keep an eye on your daughter because, having something like that happen in your life, that young is stressful for anybody let alone someone who's also learning how to handle their own mental health. And then you're doing this probably with, not any kind of recognition from your parents, and then all of a sudden. You're in this place where you're the one who's bringing them into your house. So you have all of these emotions and the connections or, or disconnection from your parents when you were younger and you were the child. Then all of a sudden you're bringing them into a house. You didn't watch them gradually decline. All of a sudden they're in your house and you're in charge of these people who you may or may not have thought were good parents when you needed them. So I don't think that you even need to think that you should have been able to wash that all of the, all of the past should have been washed away. We're human beings, that can't just happen like that. After maybe decades of therapy, possibly, but you can't fault at yourself for the emotions that you bring into the situation when you're bringing parents into the house.

[00:20:52] Tracey: Well, and, and there was a lot, right? My father. My father was an alcoholic, functioning and just a brilliant man, lots of friends. He literally denied me the ability to go to college because I was a girl. 

[00:21:09] Charlotte: That's harsh.

[00:21:11] Tracey: That's why in the beginning, when I said we only have, you know, high school educations, I so hated him for that. I really did. I mean, that was, that was really difficult. But then on top of it, I was always compared to friends', children who were successful. So it was sort of like. I was set up to fail and I wasn't going to be that person who failed. So I've started many businesses and some were successful and for one reason or another, I stopped doing that and had to move on to something else.

I've never really worked for anybody. I've always been left to my own devices. I had children extraordinarily young. There were times where I had no money. I had no money. And my parents were not willing to, to help. 

[00:22:01] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:22:02] Tracey: So here I am now. I'm spending all this money. I'm spending all this energy. I, I can't leave them alone. So on weekends, we're literally prisoners in this house and it was a lot. So one of the things that I did, which was a lifesaver and kind of propelled me into the next phase of my life was I started to attend caregiver support meetings. And I have to tell you that it was so eyeopening and so enlightening and such a, like a place of refuge.

Because I could go there and literally listen to people who, it didn't matter if it was their grandmother, their husband, or wife, their aunt, or uncle, their mother, or father that their child who, whoever had Alzheimer's. We all had this common bond because people with Alzheimer's a lot of times exhibit a lot of the same, characteristics, if you will, or symptomology.

It was interesting to hear and listening to people say, oh yeah, my husband says that or, oh yeah, my, my, my mother does that or, oh yeah, there was that there was a bond. And then another layer, which was really, really the epiphany for me was most of the stories that people shared were funny. 

[00:23:29] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:23:30] Tracey: They were really funny because these people now who were completely different as how you knew them as a spouse or a parent or an aunt or uncle, are now like this person you don't even know and they have zero filter. They're doing these things that are just funny. 

[00:23:50] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:23:53] Tracey: Here I am. Now I'm listening to these stories and I'm feeling this commonality and this was around 2017.

[00:23:59] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:23:59] Tracey: We still have Wicked Good Cupcakes. Um, my parents are still living with us, but not for much of the longer. They will eventually go to a nursing home. I thought, you know, I spent so much time in my house feeling isolated and away from the world and feeling like no one could possibly understand what I was feeling or going through.

[00:24:24] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:24:25] Tracey: And here I am now I go to this caregiver's meeting and I am actually meeting people who get it. They get it and they're living it, and they're. They're not afraid to share their stories or their, their emotions. And I thought, what if I wrote something? What if I put my writing talents to use and, and wrote something that was legitimate?

[00:24:50] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:24:51] Tracey: Genuine, funny, but also honorable. Right. I don't want to take these people and, and their afflictions and make fun of them. And I don't want to, to write something that's like, oh my God, if I have to watch another episode of this. No, it has to be real people who are dealing with, with Alzheimer's or dementia. Family members have to relate because that's what will give me an audience. That's what will give me, um, give me the feedback that we need to produce a really great show. So, 2017 I hit up, a family friend stand up comedian, who's written for TV. And I said, "Hey, can we get together"? His name's Justin McKinney. "Can we get together? Can we talk about this project I want to write"? And so I went to Justin's house and we had several meetings. You know, literally just spilled my guts as they say, and talked about my childhood and my upbringing and relationships, and it really started to create and form these characters.

So we worked on this, for a long time, lots of rewrites, lots of soul searching. Of course COVID, didn't help, but Justin and I wrote, What The Family. It's kind of a, dromedy. A lot of comedy in it, funny, but again, very respectful. And so here we are. Justin, um, was in L.A. for a long time, didn't really have as many connections. So we needed to find somebody to help us. And I've since moved from Boston to Charleston, South Carolina and I was introduced to a gentleman named Doug Coupe who was an actor and a model and worked in the industry for a long time. And is now sort of working on the other side of the camera. Doug and I hit it off and he loved the project. As of right now, Doug, Justin and I have welcomed a woman named, Valerie Pappas Llauro, who, for a very long time, did a lot of product placement in television and movies. So she also has a lot of connections. 

[00:26:57] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:26:58] Tracey: So the show is in development. We're pitching it right now, trying to get it sold. We've had a lot of really positive feedback from celebrities, especially those who have dealt with Alzheimer's or dementia. They really like the idea of this story of this family that is kind of heartwarming and very, very real. And, um, Uh, just a genuine, a genuine piece of entertainment that you can sit there and kind of escape, but in escape and also watch and relate and say that's so true.

That's, what's important to me. And then from that, I hope to start to trigger some opportunities to go speak, share my story. And honestly just let, even if it's one person, just let that person know that they are not alone. That this is something that many millions of people, millions of people are navigating at this very moment. And that if they can just join a caregivers group, or find someone to talk to. I will talk to anyone. Anyone wants my email, they can email me and we can tell them about this. Because it is, it's so many things it's frustrating and lonely and tiring and all of it. From, you know, trying to deal with state agencies, to watching your parents declined to that very moment when you realized that, you know what, my dad doesn't know who I am anymore. For as much as my dad and I had our, our, our relationship issues. That moment was just, I will never forget it. I, I had just cut his hair. We were in the kitchen and I was sweeping up and he grabbed my hand and he said to me, you know, I know we haven't known each other for very long, but I'm awfully glad we met.

And that's when I knew. That's the moment that I knew. And it just kind of changes everything. You know, I, I can only imagine, you know, I had a tough relationship. I can only imagine if you were super close to somebody.

[00:29:31] Charlotte: Right. 

[00:29:31] Tracey: How devastating it is to watch this, this decline and, and watch someone just turn into pretty much an empty shell of themselves. I really believe that as awful as Alzheimer's is for the people who have been stricken with it, people are probably going to get mad at this, I think it's 10 times worse for the caregivers and families.

[00:29:56] Charlotte: Now I can see that. They're aware of what's happening. 

[00:29:59] Tracey: [00:30:00] Exactly. They I'm hoping that they're in their own little world and that they're okay. I often wonder what it's like to wake up and not know where you are or who you are or who the people around you are. 

[00:30:13] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:30:14] Tracey: I'm, I'm hoping that's not terrifying. But speaking as a caregiver, I, I just. I just know. It's incredibly difficult. And if you don't have a good support system around you and you don't have family members, like my sister-in-law Coleen is just an amazing human being. She treated my parents like they were her own. It really helped so much. My brothers were amazing. My daughter, Dani was amazing. Of course my husband having, you know, agreed to all of this was just a saint. If you don't have that, man, I don't know how you come out the other side. I really don't. 

[00:30:54] Charlotte: So you feel like you had a really good support system from the start then?

[00:30:58] Tracey: Absolutely. And also I will say all of the people who I worked with were just, oh my God, they were such a blessing. Work really became an escape for me. Even though I'd go to the office and spend more time, you know, on hold, waiting to talk to someone about Medicaid. I was around people who wanted to help. And for, you know, proof of concept for the show, they really enjoyed the stories I would tell them crazy as a lot of them were. And as unbelievable as a lot of them were, I'd come in and they say, do you have any good stories today? Again, I knew that there would, there would be an audience for this. So it's been a crazy journey that there's been lots of emotions. Lots of things that have happened. I've met so many great people. Um, Lauren Rogen, amazing woman, Hilarity for Charity. Her husband, Seth. I, I have a little podcast and I interviewed Lauren and we hit it off and, you know, she totally gets it. She gets it and, and, you know, we've become friends and she's just a great advocate and spokesperson for the caregiver. Hilarity for Charity, one of the things that I love about them is they do offer respite for the caregiver, which a lot of organizations don't. 

[00:32:20] Charlotte: Yeah. 

[00:32:21] Tracey: It just means the world to me. To be able to talk to someone who on the surface has it all, um, when you talk to them and realize that their emotions and their feelings are the same as yours, and they've gone through some of the same struggles as you it's really, just heartwarming. It just takes away that feeling of, of loneliness and battling this alone. 

[00:32:43] Charlotte: I think that the more that people are able to do things like you are, in creating things that can be part of mainstream, right. Because a lot of times things that are created for caregivers, it's difficult to even find them if you don't know where to look. You don't know that you should look sometimes because you feel like you're the only person experiencing whatever you're experiencing. So, for people to be able to create things, to let other caregivers know, look, this is normal. Like this might feel like something you should feel ashamed about thinking or feeling it actually isn't because all of us are thinking and feeling the same way. Then that takes away some of the energy that people spend, trying to hide how they feel or to feel like they can't talk to somebody about it because there'll be judged. If the conversation becomes a little bit louder so that it's not just, not just caregivers that hear it, but people who are in those people's lives and can finally have ways to see that they have more, they have to understand about these people that they love, or that they're friends with. That it's difficult to ask for support, you know, to find where you can get that support from and to know that they need someone to just show up. Right?

[00:34:10] Tracey: Absolutely. And, and really on that note, it is okay to be pissed off. It is okay to feel frustrated. I can remember, I would tell a story and people like, oh, you're so wonderful for taking your parents in. No, I wasn't. I did it because I felt like I should, but I was pretty pretty... I was pretty annoyed, aggravated, frustrated and resentful.

There's the word. I was resentful that I was doing that because when I needed them the most, they were not there for me. They were not there for me. And, and yet I just, I could not stand the thought of, of them going to a nursing home before they actually had to. And really by the time. It was time to make sure that, that they were safe we had taken my mother's driver's license away. She was driving like Mr. Magoo through like, I follow them one time in my car and oh my god it was frightening. That was the night I actually took the keys away. Um, we had a bike lock on our fridge because. Again, they don't know who they are. They don't wash their hands after the, using the bathroom. I didn't want them foraging in the fridge and getting all of us sick because they hadn't washed their hands. We had our whole house alarmed every door. It was, it made me nuts. People would be in and out, in and out was beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.. And you just want to kill yourself. My father wore a LoJack bracelet. So in case he did get out...

[00:35:43] Charlotte: Yeah, 

[00:35:44] Tracey: we'd be able to find him. I mean, these are the things that become a part of your life and you're hiding pills and hiding the iron and putting safety locks on the, your gas range and, and making sure that the dogs aren't just let out. Like my mother would just open the door and let the dogs out. No one would know and be gone.

So it's so many things, so many things like.

[00:36:10] Charlotte: Well, and you were going through all this and still working. You were still growing your business. You didn't decide, I'm bringing at one point, 4 parents into my home, so I'm going to step away, right? Like you, you were at a point where you could have. No one would have faulted you for just saying, you know what, I did a lot already with the business, I don't think that I can handle everything at the same time. But you decided that you were going to at least try, right?

[00:36:45] Tracey: Absolutely. Um, I felt I owed it to my coworkers, number one, to show up. Number two, I can tell you one example of just how, how awful trying to work and deal with this. My father-in-law who had cancer and who was literally dying. He died six weeks after he moved into our home, um, was really near the end. I had to do an appearance on QVC. Okay. And I didn't want to go. I kept saying to my husband, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't go, I can't do this. And he, he was like, it's fine. It's fine. Go. You're committed. You have to do this. So I flew to Pennsylvania to do the QVC appearance and, and he died while I was on air, actually doing our pitch. I was so angry and so conflicted. I remember being in the Uber, going back to the airport to go home after finding out about my father-in-law and I was sitting in the Uber and; I'm really feeling very emotional.

There was a double rainbow outside the car. And I remember just looking at that thinking I used to call my father-in-law Papa bear. I loved him. I just felt like, okay, he's telling me it was okay. It was okay. I wasn't there. Um, but, but these are the things, these are the conflicts. And, and when you set yourself up to be a leader and the owner of a business,

[00:38:17] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:38:17] Tracey: You do feel that obligation to not abandon and dump your workload on other people. And trust me, if I had never shown up everything would have been fine. I had a more than capable staff. They did not need me at all. They were concerned and they wanted me to be okay. And they wanted me to know that the business was okay and I did, I did know it was okay.

 So if I went in there and had a rant, they would listen, they would, you know, armchair psych psychologist sort of, you know, advise me. It really was a respite sort of place for me to be. And I appreciate that and I will forever appreciate all of them for their understanding and caring and love that they showed me and my family during that time. 

[00:39:06] Charlotte: That's good to have. I think it's also good to have connections outside of your immediate family. Because you can really get tunnel vision when you're in this space of feeling like there is, you can never do enough. There's always something that you have to figure out and at the same time, your life has literally been turned upside down and you're trying to figure out how to live without having. You know, usually when we make life changes, we plan or we fantasize, or we have hope of whatever the new job is or the new place that we're going to live in. We are mentally able to prepare for those things. In situation like yours and for probably the majority of caregivers, there's no gradual understanding that what you thought your life was going to be is not going to happen. On top of that, it's going to get harder. So, I think that for you to say, I still went to work because I felt that obligation to those people... it also is good to be able to hold on to connections outside of your home. Because a lot of times people just go inward and cocoon because they can't, they can't think enough to try to figure out how to stay connected to other people. Cause there's just no energy to do it. 

[00:40:30] Tracey: Well, and let's, let's be clear. I also had a selfish motivation. I forever was trying to prove myself to my father, the one person who I just could not be successful enough. I just, I bought my first house as, as a mom, I bought my first house self-employed and it just wasn't in the right neighborhood. And then I did other things and it just wasn't good enough. And then I finally make it. I finally do something and he's just completely. 

[00:41:02] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:41:03] Tracey: Doesn't even, it doesn't know if it's Tuesday or August. 

[00:41:05] Charlotte: Right.

[00:41:07] Tracey: It was probably one of the, selfishly, one of the biggest frustrations that I've ever had. I, I just can't even, you know, here, I finally did it and you just don't even see, you don't even know.

[00:41:23] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:41:23] Tracey: And yeah, it's a terrible motivation that I'm going to show you kind of, but that also pushed me and helped me keep working and helped me stay on the path and made me want to make the business successful. So in a very roundabout way, am I grateful to Ed, my dad for, you know, fueling me in a, in a weird way? I guess, but there are just so many aspects. People feel this all the time, right? Their parents have Alzheimer's and don't see them ever get married or don't ever see their grandchildren. See your kids, or there's a lot of, a lot of just heavy sadness.

A lot of. A lot of baggage to deal with. And again, I had a fabulous family support system. I had a great support system outside. The woman who came to our house, um, to help us before my parents went into the nursing home. Her name was Ellen. We used to call her Saint Ellen so good to my parents, and she really became part of our family. Once my parents went into the nursing home, we hired her to come work at Wicked Good Cupcakes, because we couldn't imagine not seeing her. I mean, there are relationships and bonds and experiences you share with people that, you know, again, hopefully will come to life on the television screen because I candidly share everything. It's just important to know that you are not alone, not alone. 

[00:43:03] Charlotte: And that's a good message to tell as many times as you can. So all of this was happening over a span of almost 20 years, right? 2013 is when things really started to happen. It's 2022. You, you just finished with selling, Wicked Good Cupcakes 

[00:43:25] Tracey: We were acquired by Hickory farms. They're just as wonderful people and the best fit possible for us. So we're really excited about that. 

[00:43:33] Charlotte: So there's, there's this, this a big chunk of your life. I know that you had a lot of support, you had people in your life that were really helpful. What was the thing that you would always call on for just you, other than going to work? That helped make everything okay. Is there a hobby that you held onto you because so often caregivers just drop everything that they used to do for themselves, the things that they used to do for fun. Was there something that you were able to hold onto with your world completely turned upside down completely crazy.

Were you able to continue to do something that brought you joy? 

[00:44:13] Tracey: Yeah. Going to the beach at the ocean. We lived in a coastal town in a coastal community and having that place to go and like sit and reflect. I will never live anywhere in this world where I don't have access to the ocean because it's, it's honestly one of the, one of the most important places to me. It doesn't matter if it's a beach on Martha's vineyard or if it's here in Charleston or, um, on the Riviera and France that the ocean is the ocean. And being there always makes me feel... hopeful.

[00:44:54] Charlotte: Okay. 

[00:44:54] Tracey: That's the place where I go when I want to allow myself to dream and plan and, and put out to the universe, what it is I want to do now, and just say it out loud and, and, and wish it, and, and dream it and just be somewhere where nothing can bother me. I feel very insulated there and I, I like that feeling. So, yeah, I mean, doing that and keeping active. Yeah. Um, I play the drums. I, um, I go to bar class. I do a lot of walking, biking, um, you know, obviously on the beach, I love to be out on a boat. So anything like that, or I can just be active or outdoors and active is, is super helpful.

And then of course writing.

[00:45:42] Charlotte: Yeah. So it's, it's really important, I think, for other other caregivers to just see examples of people who are going through the same hardships, all of us are going through, but somehow are able to stay connected with the parts of them that make them who they are. Right. So you went from being a concerned mom to almost overnight this leader and business woman to a caregiver within a span of what, maybe three, four years.

Your reality kept changing, but you were still able to hold on to the core of who you were, um, because you continued doing things that you actually enjoy doing. And so often do caregivers feel, I don't even think it's intentional. I know it's not. It's just, it's so overwhelming to be thrust into this role of being a caregiver that there's no time for anything else.

 You lose who you are. You don't know who you've become and you don't know what that person likes to do for themselves because there's no energy after you've done everything you feel like you've had to, to figure out what that looks like. To just see there it is possible.

[00:47:07] Tracey: Yeah. Honestly, those trips to the beach were very, very few. Like we had one summer where we literally never left the house just about, and I would, my sister-in-law would offer to take my parents for an afternoon and we would get in the car as fast as we could and, and go to the water. There are a lot of people who don't have the opportunity and maybe they would do it if they had the help. So I think. A bigger lesson here is ask, ask someone to help you. Don't feel like it's a sign of weakness. Don't feel like you're pawning off duties. Self care during this time is perhaps one of the most important and overlooked things that happens when you become a caregiver.

[00:47:53] Charlotte: Yeah.

[00:47:53] Tracey: You just are so absorbed by everybody else's needs. Look, I had four [00:48:00] adults and it was like I had four new children. The roles were reversed. I became the parent. I had my mother throwing tantrums, literally because she couldn't have her car. I wouldn't give her an allowance or I would, you know, just these crazy things.

You have to step away from that and you have to make sure that you are okay. Because you're going to have to make a lot of decisions that really suck, and you're going to have to be the bad guy and you're going to have to give up a lot of, of free time. You need to make sure that you mentally are, are okay with this and you have some kind of help or coping mechanism. Go to the caregiver support groups if you can. Even if you do that, you can go there, be safe, cry, whatever, rest yourself, and understand that everyone who is listening to you is not judging you. As a matter of fact, they have perhaps lived that exact moment that you are, are suffering from. 

[00:49:02] Charlotte: Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm so excited for this next chapter of your life. You know, you have, you have the pilot that is a very big possibility in the future. You're working on, the adult prom for Hilarity for Charity. You have a podcast called Don't Call Me Cupcake. That is, still working on the business side of life. So I think , there are so many places that people can find you and, you know, keep up with what you're doing. I just, I can't wait to see how all these new things are, are moving forward for you. 

[00:49:45] Tracey: Thank you so much. You know, it was so nice to talk to someone who completely understands. I mean, you've had your own stuff to deal with and a caregiver is a caregiver, is a caregiver, it doesn't matter if it's Cancer or Alzheimer's or Lou Gehrig's or anything. We're all emotionally thrust into this role. I think because of podcasts like yours and you. You know, exposing, um, people to other people who are dealing with a very like situation. Uh, you're doing a huge service to people and I commend you and thank you for that. It's, it's really important what you're doing.

[00:50:28] Charlotte: Thank you. And thank you for coming on and telling us your story. I mean, sharing stories, you have to relive it every time, it doesn't matter how many times you've talked about it. There's different points that hit you a different way when you hear yourself say the same words. So I really appreciate you sharing your story and your vulnerability in, um, just letting people know what it was like. How you were able to kind of move through it, whether it was smoothly or stumbling, it doesn't matter. Right? It's that there is hope at the end. Like there are the, there's still things that you can still look forward to in life. Being a caregiver was extremely difficult, but it wasn't the, it wasn't the end. You didn't give up. And to see that strength in someone who had so much going on all at the same time is really heartwarming and it really gives hope. Because there are so many people out there who don't understand that this is not just it. Right? That, you can do things for yourself and you can continue moving on with life while you're still caregiving. So thank you for sharing that with us.

[00:51:40] Tracey: Well, thank you so much. It was such an honor to be on this podcast with you, and I wish you all the best. 

[00:51:45] Charlotte: Oh, thank you. Thanks for being here. 

I love Tracy's story and how it shows that caregiving for your parents can look different for everyone, but also has a shared similarities that we can all connect.


Episode Links

Wicked Good Cupcakes

Don't Call Me Cupcake podcast

Hilarity for Charity

Lauren Rogen

Juston McKinney

Shark Tank

Kevin O'Leary

Wicked Good Cupcakes Shark Tank Pitch