Episode 111: The Incredible Power of Caregiver Secrets and Why You Hold Onto Them

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I have a confession to make… When I first became a caregiver I had moments when I actually thought about running away. 

They were fleeting thoughts. Just like a squirrel running past you… it get’s your attention and then just as quickly goes away.

Sometimes just a thought is enough to cause a domino effect of emotions. Just a thought can be enough to ruin your day. 

However, hiding that thought makes it worse. 

We all hide parts of our experiences as caregivers. Even if we have a close friend there is probably still a lot we won’t share because we know they just won’t understand. 

The possibility of judgement is enough to keep some things to ourselves.

I never admitted wanting to run away to anyone. 

How could I? 

The amount of guilt I instantly felt anytime that thought crossed my mind and the shame that I was filled with made it unthinkable to share it with anyone else. 

Yet here I am telling you. 

Why?

Because over the years I began to realize that everything I go through so does another caregiver. I’m not alone in feeling the things I feel. I’m not the only caregiver that struggles with guilt and shame. We all do to some degree. 

We feel guilty when we wish we could take a vacation but our loved one is bed bound and can’t leave the house. 

We feel shame when we find ourselves angry about missing out on all the things we could be doing if we just weren’t a caregiver. 

Shame and guilt are what we feel when we just want to enjoy our lives again. 

Just want to be able to… 

• spontaneously smile, 
• look forward to the day when we wake up,
• sleep soundly at night
• and enjoy time spent with the person we love. 

Since no one told us, when we became caregivers, that it was ok to enjoy life even when it became difficult. No one reminded us that we still need to hold on to parts of who we are as we weave in what we need to become as caregivers. Since no one told us it would be hard to keep your heart from hardening but it would be worth the effort and enjoying life in spite of having to be a caregiver was possible 

Since you weren’t made aware of what caregiving would do to your life it makes it difficult for you to balance the responsibility you have taken on with your need and desire to just enjoy a moment. 

Because we hide these things, these thoughts and desires. We allow the guilt and shame to grow. 

It’s normal for you to hide these feelings. There is no energy to give to sharing how you feel, to be vulnerable with someone else when there is no guarantee that it will all work out well. That the person will understand what you’re going through or at least be supportive of you.

It’s normal for you to want to keep it to yourself because you don’t see anyone else sharing these types of things.

When I became a caregiver I knew nothing about what I was getting in to. Quite frankly I didn’t even think to care about myself when I found out my husband had cancer. But when the stress became hard to carry and I noticed I wasn’t enjoying life as much as I had been I began to wonder what everyone else did? What did other caregivers do? Where was the group I could join to learn from people who were ahead of me on this path of caregiving? 

Who could I talk to that I knew would be able to say Oh my goodness yes! I feel the same way?

There was no one. Not that I had the energy to look very hard in the beginning. 

So just like you, I kept a lot of things to myself.

When you keep things to yourself it just sits inside you and grows, it takes up more of your time and energy and it continually makes you feel like shit. 

After some time I realized that my problem was I didn’t see myself in others out in the world. When I was a young mother I saw other moms and I learned from those who had that role longer than me. I knew that I wasn’t alone in the things I was going through. 

I didn’t have that as a caregiver but I started to realize that it wasn’t just me feeling this way. I couldn’t be the only one who was experiencing the things I wasn’t sharing with the world. 

What I realized I needed and what other caregivers needed was someone to show up and say this is how I feel about caregiving and it’s ok, you’re not alone. It made me angry to come across other caregivers who were suffering because they didn’t feel they deserved to enjoy life. It became frustrating to meet caregivers who clearly just needed someone to tell them that wanting to do something for themselves, take a break, as for help was something they should do and not hide from. 

We hide parts of our struggle with caregiving, not because it’s wrong, but because we feel misunderstood.

That’s not your fault. That’s your families fault, your communities fault, your governments fault for not supporting you. For not seeking to understand what caregivers need. Their failure to care enough to try to listen and create a safe space for you to share your concerns and ask for the things you need. 

Caregivers need to feel like they are a part of something bigger so they can be reminded of not only how important they are but who they are. We all need a place where we feel like we aren’t judged and we can “Confess” the taboo topics we’ve been holding onto all these years.

We all need a way to show up for ourselves just as much as we do for the person we care for. A way to say “I need to get out of this freaking house already” without feeling guilty. People who will hear you say “I can’t actually do this all by myself” and jump in to help you find ways not to. 

We all need a way to figure out who we actually are because we feel lost. 

It’s time for us to find easy ways to start feeling happy again so we can enjoy life with he ones we care for. So we can cast aside the guilt and shame that keeps us from doing things for ourselves. A way to know not only what we can do to care for ourselves but how. 

That’s why I created Caregiving Confessions. 

I was frustrated with meeting caregivers who felt lonely because they had no one in their lives they could relate to. I’m tired of hearing about the empty cup and the putting your mask on first because those sayings are insulting and don’t help caregivers at all. 

I decided to make something you can hold and read for yourself. A dynamic guide that not only focusses on one thing you can do to enjoy life a little more each month but also give you a way to do it along with video or audio to help you make it your own. 

I wanted to give you something that you can relate to that can be entertaining but with your struggles and needs in mind. Like a playlist to cry to or songs that will make you feel empowered before stepping into that doctor’s office.

Caregiving confessions is a guide that not only will help you find ways to enjoy your life it’s also full of confessions so you can know that you’re not alone in how you feel about caregiving. It’s a way to form a community with monthly live sessions to ask your questions and get support in finding ways to make the topic of the month fit into your life. 

At the very least Caregiving confessions is the monthly guide you look forward to read, look through and try out. However, it can also be what finally gives you the ability to find ways to enjoy your life as a caregiver, know that you aren’t alone in all the things you’ve been keeping to yourself and join a community of other caregivers who know there has to be something more to life but just don’t know how to find out what that is. 

What we all need is to stop giving power to the things we hide in order to look like we have everything under control. We all need to know that other caregivers are feeling, thinking, fearing the same things as us so we won’t feel so alone and so we can let go of all the things we thought were wrong with us but actually are normal. 

Caregiving Confessions is an easy way to see yourself in others. To realize how some things you thought were just you are actually things many of us go through and that you don’t need to hide. It’s a way to find ways to laugh, be entertained but also learn more about yourself and how to care for your needs. It’s a way to feel supported in creating the boundaries you need to set to prioritize your own care and know we all struggle with putting ourselves first often.

Caregiving confessions is about owning your caregiving role with the support of other caregivers. 

Go to loveyourcaregivinglife.com/confessions to subscribe and take the first step towards enjoying your life as a caregiver. 

Thanks for listening and I look forward to seeing you at the live next month.