Episode 69: Too Busy Caring to Care

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Those that we care for are people and sometimes we lose sight of that.

No, I get it… you know they’re a person.

But do you always see them for the actual person they are?

I’ve talked about turning off the caregiver switch so you can connect with the person you are caring for. 

Let’s take that one step further to how we regard that person. How do you think of them now that you’ve been caring for them for a while?

Do you still do things with compassion and empathy? Or do you just do them? 

Can you still do things with love when the fatigue sets in?

If not then that is a good thing to know. You can do something with that.

I know that after my husband comes home from surgery I start out his recovery period with a sense of purpose. I might be tired after being away from home and from the stress of him having to have another surgery but I jump right into gear and make sure he has what he needs.

Let’s keep it simple. Out of all the things he needs help with one of the things I always make sure of is that he keeps hydrated. I don’t worry too much about his appetite, especially in the beginning, but I know he needs to drink. I do a variety of different things for him throughout the day bringing up different types of beverages each with a different purpose. One to make sure his electrolytes stay balanced, one that includes a specific type of honey to help his immunity. Cold drinks and hot drinks and everything in between. Just to make sure he is getting what his body needs.

I’m exhausted while I do this but I just do it without a thought and take it to him.

However, a week later I might start getting cranky about it. I might start wishing that I didn’t care so much about if he had something to drink. 

That turns into - why can’t he just come down and get it himself?

Which later turns into a - Here! Make sure you drink it.

And then turns into - He didn’t freaking drink that! Why do I even go through the trouble!

That can dangerously edge towards - screw it… I’m done… I don’t care if he drinks anything today. Let him get dehydrated I don’t care.

I say dangerously because once you get to that point it’s a slippery slope. 

This is the point where it really isn’t about the drink. It’s about the fact that you are tired and overwhelmed and it should be concerning because this is when you’ve already begun to see them more as a person you have to take care of instead of a person you love that needs your help.

I’m not saying that you have to flit around the house cheery and singing and float into the bedroom to deliver to them what they need. But your thoughts - as good as you think you are in hiding them - come out in your actions.

The person you care for knows when you are irritated. It shows in how we speak to them. How we do things. Even the expression on our faces. There are so many subconscious ways we communicate what is going on inside of us that they might not even notice how they know but they get the feeling that something isn’t right. 

The problem is, if we don’t notice what is happening and realize the path we are taking as a caregiver and as a person who loves the one we are caring for, then we don’t course correct. If we can’t course-correct then our relationship with them starts to suffer. We start to suffer and no one is happy.

I don’t know what your relationship was and is with the person you care for, but I care for my husband because I love him.

That is my why. 

When I start to feel like I am doing things because I have to, when I start procrastinating when I find myself weeping over a pot of tea… 

I know I need a break, I need to reset.

I’ve neglected myself because all I had the energy to do was to take care of him.

I get it. I should always be on top of my self-care because that is what I tell you you need. I could very easily come on here and tell you I don’t have any problem with being on top of my self-care 100% of the time but that would be a load of crap. 

I often struggle with self-care because I am a caregiver. It’s as simple as that and it’s important for you to know.

What is equally important is - because of my self-care, I am resilient… I don’t break down as often as I could and I can see the cracks early enough to be able to self-correct and readjust.

When I know I need to reset I do just that. I’ll get out of the house and take a drive to a coffee shop or just around town and back - mostly because at this point I don’t want to interact with other human beings. 

I’ll take a nap in a different part of the house where it’ll be quiet and I can be alone. 

I’ll get on the phone with a friend because I probably haven’t talked to anyone in a few days.

Or I’ll take a nice long hot shower or bath.

While I’m doing these things I plan on what I’ll do next for myself and when. That way I don’t keep slipping back into that place of resentment and overwhelm.

Because this isn’t about tea.

This is about staying connected with the person I care for because they are a person with feelings too. 

You don’t have to understand what they are feeling and going through. I know that my husband would love to not have cancer and have to have surgeries multiple times a year some years. I know he would love to be able to do things for himself all the time. He would love to not feel like crap and most importantly….

He would like to not feel guilty when I take care of him…

I love him…  and I sometimes forget it’s not all about me.

I forget that it’s easy for me to get into my head, focus on only what needs to be done and worry about the things I have no control over.

I forget about the things that actually matter - Finding beauty in the world when things feel the darkest, allowing a place for hope and faith to reside in me when I want to shut it out, and enjoying my life with my husband no matter what phase of illness and caregiving we are in. 

I get it. You might be thinking - I can’t handle the stress of caregiving, all the tasks I have to perform, all the visits I have to take them to, all the times I have to bathe them 

AND

Remember to love them!

 Yes, that’s what I’m saying.

When we stop caring about a person because we are too focused on caring for them we distance ourselves from them. 

Just think about that for a moment.

You spend so much time caring for them that you’ve become overwhelmed with the things you need to do and have lost sight of the actual human you’re caring for. 

Too stressed out about all the doctor’s appointments you have to make today to actually sit next to them for 15 minutes and just chat.

Too worried about the surgery they have to have next week to give them the nice long hug you both really need.

Too overwhelmed to tell them that you love them!

Don’t lose sight of you why. I'm guessing the love you have for this person is why you care for them.

When remembering that they have feelings becomes difficult.

When knowing they could really need a hug or for you to just hold their hand for a moment but decided you are too busy, too tired, or can just do it later.

When you yell at them, give them an attitude or make them feel bad about something they need for you to do.

It’s time for you to take a break. Find someone to talk to. Ask for help. 

It means it is time to find a different way of doing things for them and finding ways to do more for yourself. 

It’s all under your control..the way you see your world, the way you react to stress the way you respond to people. That’s all you.

There is a lot you can’t control that is going on in your life.. but these things you can and in turn you can make your loved one feel loved or not or whatever that is in between. 

Remember the person they were before they needed you to care for them. See if you can recollect the way they made you feel. 

That person is still in your life. You might have lost sight of that while doing your best to keep them in the world with you.

We spend so much energy fighting, advocating, and researching to find ways to make sure they get the care, the doctors, and the treatments they need that we lose sight of the fact that 

They 

Simply

Just

Need

Us!

Thank you for listening to and supporting the podcast. If you enjoyed today’s show, please share it with someone who might benefit from listening to it.

I would be extremely grateful if you would consider taking a minute to leave an honest review and rating for the show in iTunes. They’re helpful when it comes to reaching other caregivers and I read each and every one of them personally!